Turn Those Reading Frowns Upside-down– For Free!
So what do you do when you have a child that has trouble with reading, cries over 5 letter words and is a military brat?
For military families there is an online library with AudioBooks! I just happened to stumble upon it when I was searching for something else and am so happy I did, because not only does it offer children’s AudioBooks, but it also has a great reference section, books for middle school and young adults. It is truly a fabulous find.
Military OneSource Online Library
You will also find hobby books, home repair resources, and an online source for test taking skills. This site is only available to military members and their families. You will need to provide a login account to access these great tools.
Not in the military, but still need free resources for your ‘almost’ reader? Is your child 8, like mine, and is still struggling to find his way down the path to reading? Never fear–lotsa reading fun is here!
- PrimaryGames – Some of the games require membership, but most are free!
Have a good time with those goodies! Draw them in by making reading fun! And by way, if you are looking for a not-so-free resource Hooked on Phonics is still a great way to break through the beginning-reader woes.
Happy reading!
Angela DeRossett is a fun-loving, married to the military, homeschooling mother of four. She has four cats and a great big dog and loves her very full house. She is currently pursuing a Master’s in Christian Education and holds a Bachelor’s of Arts and Science in Christian Ministries. Angela is a coffee and theology junkie and is passionate about Autism advocacy and disability rights. You can find her blogging at Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy and Homeschooling the Chaotic Mommy.
Winter Autism Woes
January 13, 2010 by Angela
Okay, the DeRossett family needs to literally fly south for the winter. Stick a fork in me, I am done!
Many of our friends and family will attest to the fact that we are not—at all—winter people. My husband and I were already aware of this before he was given orders to the mid-west. We are from Texas. Texas is where we were raised and where two of our four children were born. We got married in 1996 and moved immediately to the desert of southern California and then later to Georgia. The military did not care about our love for the south and blistering hot summers. So this most recent duty station is our first experience–ever—with a ‘real’ winter.
We thought that this new environment would be a pretty cool adventure for the kids. After all, don’t all children love snow? Well, they did for a little while and then the novelty wore off. My daughter, Milan, asked repeatedly our first winter, why the snow “was still there”. I am so thankful to be a homeschooling mother because the snow pants, gloves, scarves…boots, would be the makings of a nightmarish assembly line in the mornings. We don’t have to venture out in the snow. We can still hide out in the warm house!
It totally blew our summer plans because the water was in the 70’s and who wants to swim in that?! Our rule in the other states has always been, “no swimming unless it is 90 degrees outside”. Now we only get a handful of those. Not such a cool adventure for the family who loves to take the boat out to the lake. Xander, my 8 year old son on the spectrum, especially loves the summer. For him there is nothing like tubing* with his brothers, being smacked against the waves and then the high-speed flip into the water!
The boy loves adventure, but not the snow, and especially not now.
Before we get to the how’s and why’s, let me first clear one thing up for those from the north who are laughing at the southern girl. Southerners do not hide out when we get a little ice or snow because we are babies. Everything shuts down because this happens so rarely that our cities are not equipped to take care of the problem. Ice melt? Snow plows? Long-handled ice scrapers for the driveway? These are new to our family. Several feet of snow? It brings me to a clueless, crying panic. Oh yes, I am woman enough to admit to that. What happens when a southerner meets black ice? People die. There are valid reasons for us to stay at home.
My kids are over the snow, just like their parents.
Around Christmas we got a lot of it, and still more took us into the New Year, and they are forecasting some more this week. I have resigned myself to the fact that the Christmas lights will be up until have our first thaw because they are held in place by foot and a half long icicles. Do you remember on A Christmas Story where Ralphie is trying to explain to his mother that it was an icicle that injured his face when it was actually the Red Ryder BB Gun? His mother responds:
“Ralphie, you’re lucky it didn’t cut your eye! Those icicles have been known to kill people.”
Guess what happens when you have a child with Autism that takes this phrase literally? It will not matter that he has a better chance of being hit by a bus than the above scenario playing out. It will scare the fire out of him.
Little did I know– Xander remembered that part of the movie.
It did not help that I was joking about something similar with the kids and telling them not to look up when they passed under the icicles. It did not help when we joked that it would not matter if anyone looked up or down, it would still “get to the brain”. Cut me some slack, I have three boys. Last night when we returned from a few hours (Okay, 30 minutes) of shopping for video games I heard a small voice:
“Mom, those things are scary.”
I told him to hurry past them. It was cold outside so my only concern was getting inside. He ran right up to the door and pressed his entire body against it. The icicles were four feet behind him! I am not sure he will ever want to go outside and face them again because he is absolutely traumatized. Don’t think this has gone unnoticed by his brothers who think it’s hilarious.
Ah yes, I forgot, this is not only the child who loves the thrill of the ride, but also the child who is terrified of losing body parts (trimming his fingernails) and having blood drawn (they might take it all).
I think the boy has a special kind of hatred for the winter that none of us have reached yet.
Lesson learned, Lord, please bring on the spring!
*For those of you from the north, ‘tubing’ involves being pulled behind the boat in an oversized ‘tube’. This can also be a raft or any other floating device a person can hold onto. You hold on to (said object) for dear life because the driver of the boat’s sole goal is make you fly off … and it’s fun.
Angela DeRossett is a fun-loving, married to the military, homeschooling mother of four. She has four cats and a great big dog and loves her very full house. She is currently pursuing a Master’s in Christian Education and holds a Bachelor’s of Arts and Science in Christian Ministries. Angela is a coffee and theology junkie and is passionate about Autism advocacy and disability rights. You can find her blogging at Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy and Homeschooling the Chaotic Mommy.
Review: EXPO Products For Your Home
December 23, 2009 by Angela
Just when you think that office products for the home and classroom couldn’t get any cooler, EXPO® raises the bar. Gone are the days of traditional white board writing on a downward curve.
You know what I mean. You write in your best handwriting the copywork or editing for your child to take down, you step back…and there is your perfect line starting a not-so-beautiful decline. EXPO now has a two-sided white board that is lined on one side for sentences, math problems, and lists and traditionally blank on the other side for child drawing fun.
Welcome the Expo® 9″ x 12″ Double-Sided Learning Board!
That’s right…I didn’t mention that it was lap-sized. Now they can copy from a board their size that has the mobility to work anywhere in the house. One of the biggest problems I have found in homeschooling children without an actual homeschool ‘room’ is that children need to be separated at times.
With the Double-Sided Learning Board I can:
- List assignments.
- Write out copywork.
- Write math problems.
And they can take it with them!
Expo® Bright Sticks Wet-Erase Fluorescent Markers, Assorted Colors, Pack Of 5
These markers were by far the most fun my family has had with markers in a long time.
According to the package..and true!:
- Provides clear, bright images on non-porous surfaces.
- Extra-bright, wet-erase fluorescent markers really stand out against black marker boards, fluorescent light boards or glass.
- Ink looks neon under ultraviolet “black light” or fluorescent lamps.
Some of the things that you can use these BrightSticks for around the house:
I seriously wish we’d had window markers when my babies were small! Of course, now that the kids are older they love having these wet-erase markers around, especially on the sliding glass door. Tic-Tac-Toe & Hangman are the current fluorescent faves. I like how easy it is to clean off the window. You can use the cleanser, but a damp rag and a willing child will do the job fairly well.
Have you ever walked into a coffee shop or cafe and seen the blackboard menu with fluorescent writing on it? It used to be chalk. Guess what isn’t as dusty?
So, it is perfect for signs on the windows, reminders on the bathroom mirrors (To my children: BRUSH YOUR TEETH!) and a For-Sale sign on the car–without the paper. I know we will find more uses in the future.
Expo® Click Retractable Low-Odor Chisel Tip Dry Erase Markers
The first retractable dry erase marker from America’s favorite dry erase brand, Expo®.
The Unique Safety Seal valve design prevents dry out, and there is no cap to remove or lose. Low odor formula for the smallest of classrooms.
**Let me issue a warning for those who are overzealous (me), do not use these markers on porous surfaces because should you decide a grocery list on the front of the fridge is a cool idea (me) it will not come off. No matter how hard I try.
Use the Double-Sided Learning Board, m’kay? Or one of their cool magnetic boards paired with one of these:
Expo® Precision Point Pad Eraser
I really like this eraser because it comes with disposable pads so that you don’t find yourself having to replace traditional erasers constantly. I really hate it when after a few weeks of use a regular eraser is gummy. It literally makes it impossible to completely erase your whiteboard, even with a cleanser.
The other beautiful thing about this particular eraser is that it has a wall mount. You can use this mount on either magnetic or non-magnetic surfaces. We use our eraser in it’s magnetic form, directly attached to the whiteboard for easy use.
This eraser comes with a precision point allows you to accurately erase small amounts of information from the whiteboard.
In addition, for every package of EXPO markers sold in the U.S. this November and December, EXPO will donate one marker to the Kids In Need Foundation up to a maximum of 100,000 EXPO markers. The Foundation operates 23 resource centers across the country where teachers from Title 1 schools are encouraged to shop for free supplies.
Angela DeRossett is military wife, homeschooling mother, and an advocate for autism research. She also serves as the Heart of the Matter Review Coordinator. Angela can be found blogging at Homeschooling the Chaotic Family and Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy.
Operation Volunteer: Teaching Children About Helping Others
December 15, 2009 by Angela
Winter is quickly approaching and with the holidays coming this is the perfect opportunity to give back to your community and teach your children the blessing of giving of oneself. Did you realize that there are literally endless possibilities for life lessons, not just during the holidays, but all year long?
7 You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.” 2 Corinthians 9:7
A few ideas:
- Buy a few yards of fleece and let the kids help cut it into strips for scarves for a local homeless shelter.
- Let them choose toys (even the ones you are cringe about getting rid of) from their toy boxes to give to kids in a local children’s home.
- Donate all of the clothing in the house that no longer fits. Include the items you still aren’t able to fit into after 10 years–I know this is hard, I’ve done it.
- Make a budget for an extra grocery shopping trip, letting the kids help pick items, that can be donated to a local food shelter.
- Encourage them to hand-write and snail-mail a letter to their grandparents or other extended family.
- Let the kids help make a meal for a friend who has very little time on their hands and is struggling with daily tasks.
- Have your whole family visit in the common area of a nursing home. Many residents do not have the blessing of family visiting them–at all. There are many who love to be heard and the opportunity to be around children.
- Volunteer the family for a day at the local soup kitchen.
- Make/Donate blankets for Project Linus.
- Adopt a military member who is deployed for Christmas. There are many opportunities through Soldier’s Angels.
- Make cookies for your church administration on any random day.
- Help out for a day at an animal shelter.
- Let them help address and stuff Christmas envelopes.
- Participate in Operation Christmas Child.
- Offer to rake leaves, put up Christmas lights or bring a meal to a neighboring elderly family.
- Send a thank you note with homemade goodies to a missionary.
- Offer to help your church with daily maintenance or Christmas decorating. There is always something in the church your family can help with.
- Get your homeschool group involved in stuffing stockings for a local Meals-on-Wheels program. This would include the same items you would send to a nursing home. (Combs, playing cards, magnifying glasses, books, etc.)
These are just a few ideas to get your family started. Do you have any to add?
Angela DeRossett is military wife, homeschooling mother, and an advocate for autism research. She also serves as the Heart of the Matter e-Reviews Coordinator. Angela can be found blogging at Homeschooling the Chaotic Family and Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy.
Christmas Giveaway: Homeschooling with TLC
December 7, 2009 by Angela
Choosing your curriculum is important. Knowing how to effectively teach it is the key to success. In Homeschooling with TLC in the Elementary Grades, Tamara L. Chilver reveals the tools of the trade, while providing you with the confidence you need to successfully educate your child.
- Do you desire to add some spark to your lessons?
- Would you like to learn successful teaching methods that actively engage your child in the learning process?
- Are you sometimes confused on how to teach your curriculum?
- Are you or your child experiencing burnout and would like to learn tips to jumpstart your existing curriculum?
- Do you want to learn tips to simplify learning and shorten your school day?
- Would you like to learn how to save hundreds of dollars while homeschooling by using items that you may already have in your home?
Homeschooling with TLC in the Elementary Grades will give you a strong and concise foundation in elementary curriculum. This one-of-a-kind book is filled with FUN and creative teaching tips. Let this book take you and your child to a whole new dimension of homeschooling!
How can I win? Leave a comment below blessing us with a homeschool tip.
Bonus Entries (post each in a separate comment):
- Subscribe to Heart of the Matter Online.
- Twitter this giveaway.
- Post this giveaway on your blog and leave the link in your comment.
- Facebook this giveaway.
**Contest ends Thursday, December 10th at 10pm EST, winners will be chosen and emailed by Friday morning and must respond before Sunday, December 13th at midnight!
Angela DeRossett is military wife, homeschooling mother, and an advocate for autism research. She also serves as the Heart of the Matter Review Coordinator. Angela can be found blogging at Homeschooling the Chaotic Family and Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy.
Christmas Giveaway: The Chronicles of Narnia Full CD Set
December 7, 2009 by Angela
The Chronicles of Narnia CDs Tri-Fold Album
Beautifully packaged in a durable tri-fold album. Perfect for collecting, and gift giving.
Award-winning cast and film-quality sound design and music mark this amazing audio drama series based on the best-selling The Chronicles of Narnia books by C. S. Lewis. Starring David Suchet as Aslan the Great Lion and Paul Scofield as the Storyteller, all seven of The Chronicles of Narnia are presented on 19 audio cds—over 23 hours. Be transported to a world that will inspire your imagination.
How can I win? Leave a comment below telling us your favorite childhood game or pasttime.
Bonus Entries (post each in a separate comment):
- Subscribe to Heart of the Matter Online.
- Twitter this giveaway.
- Post this giveaway on your blog and leave the link in your comment.
- Facebook this giveaway.
**Contest ends Thursday, December 10th at 10pm EST, winners will be chosen and emailed by Friday morning and must respond before Sunday, December 13th at midnight!
Angela DeRossett is military wife, homeschooling mother, and an advocate for autism research. She also serves as the Heart of the Matter Review Coordinator. Angela can be found blogging at Homeschooling the Chaotic Family and Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy.
Christmas Giveaway: Hands of a Child – 12 Days of Christmas Fun
December 7, 2009 by Angela
Hands of a Child has graciously offered a copy of their ‘12 Days of Christmas’ lapbook to one lucky winner! If you have never used Hands of a Child’s lapbooks then I encourage you to check them out. They are fantastic and I use them with my own children.
Pamela from Heart of the Matter offers this review on ‘12 Days of Christmas’:
“Looking to celebrate the Christmas season while at the same time keeping kids active and focused with specific holiday activities? The 12 Days of Christmas Fun Project Pack might be just the thing your house needs. Outlined after the famous song of the same name, this download contains 24 activities covering12 days with 2 crafty projects for each of the days.
Best of all, one of the first things found in this Project Pack is a comprehensive supply list for all of the items you will need to have on-hand to complete the12 days of this download. Christmastime can be busy so knowing exactly what you need to purchase beforehand is VERY helpful.
The target age for this download is PreK-1st grade, but with a bit of imagination just about any elementary-aged child would love this Project Pack. While this download is focused Christmas, the activities are vast and varied as the activities themselves are focused on the specific gifts mentioned in the “12 Days of Christmas” song. For example, how to say the word “chicken” in several languages or making a dancing lady puppet are activities children will do over the 12 days. Bible activities are also included such as verse copywork, learning books of the Bible, and studying the 10 commandments.
The Project Pack “12 Days Of Christmas Fun” really is a lot of fun. Buy the download, gather the supplies and the kids, and truly strive to have lots of Christmas fun.”
How can I win? Go to the Hands of a Child website and select the item that your family would be most interested in purchasing and post it below.
Bonus Entries (post each in a separate comment):
- Subscribe to Heart of the Matter Online.
- Twitter this giveaway.
- Post this giveaway on your blog and leave the link in your comment.
- Facebook this giveaway.
Remember: that your first entry post must include the Hands of a Child item that most interests you!
**Contest ends Thursday, December 10th at 10pm EST, winners will be chosen and emailed by Friday morning and must respond before Sunday, December 13th at midnight!
Angela DeRossett is military wife, homeschooling mother, and an advocate for autism research. She also serves as the Heart of the Matter Review Coordinator. Angela can be found blogging at Homeschooling the Chaotic Family and Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy.
Christmas Giveaway: Liz Curtis Higgs Children’s Books
December 7, 2009 by Angela
Win 3 autographed children’s books written by Liz Curtis Higgs!
- The Parable of the Lily, through the unique gift of a bulb, young Maggie discovers the power of grace and forgiveness and the true meaning of Easter.
- The Pumpkin Patch Parable, illustrates how God’s transforming love can fill each of our hearts with joy and light.
- The Pine Tree Parable, the heartwarming tale of a farmer and his family who learn the true meaning of Christmas.
How can I win? Go to the Liz Curtis Higgs website and select the book that you would be most interested in reading and post it below.
Bonus Entries (post each in a separate comment):
- Subscribe to Heart of the Matter Online.
- Twitter this giveaway.
- Post this giveaway on your blog and leave the link in your comment.
- Facebook this giveaway.
Remember: that your first entry post must include the Liz Curtis Higgs book that most interests you!
Good luck!
**Contest ends Thursday, December 10th at 10pm EST, winners will be chosen and emailed by Friday morning and must respond before Sunday, December 13th at midnight!
Angela DeRossett is military wife, homeschooling mother, and an advocate for autism research. She also serves as the Heart of the Matter Review Coordinator. Angela can be found blogging at Homeschooling the Chaotic Family and Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy.
That Doesn’t Even LOOK Like Writing
December 1, 2009 by Angela
I have said it before and I will say it again…
One of the most awesome, most beautiful things about homeschooling is the gift of time. You are out of the rat race. If you have anything to say about it–and of course, you do– your children WON’T be left behind. They don’t need the village unless they choose to go there later on. They don’t need cookie cutter curricula forcing them into subjects before they are ready. They need to be kids.
Oh yeah, I said it. Let those babies play. Little Bobby at church may be reading and writing straight from the womb and here your Little Johnny is 6 and only wants to play with Legos and watch Star Wars. I know because I have been there.
Right now I have two children struggling to keep up and learn their basic skills. (Except math, for some reason–that is working for us right now!) I have agonized over the lack of reading and writing from the two of them. I have banged my head on the wall trying to figure out where we went wrong as parents. Xander is 7 and a half and Milan will be 6 in a few weeks. Now, in all fairness, Xander has Autism and Milan is the baby.
The things they have in common:
- They love to play outside and would not miss the television if it suddenly disappeared tomorrow.
- They love being messy, but not too messy.
- They both have pretty serious fine motor difficulties.
- Xander is dyslexic and we are starting to think Milan is as well.
- They follow two very gifted overachievers in the academic department–their big brothers–and couldn’t care less.
First things first. We’ve identified their strengths and their weaknesses in just those few sentences above. One of the things I love about homeschooling is the individual attention we can pay to specific special needs. My son recognizes his letters, but still does not recognize words (with the exception of “Star Wars”). On the other hand, it’s like Groundhog Day with my daughter–every day we must start fresh on the lesson we beat to death the day before. She goes to sleep at night and wakes up every morning alphabet-free. I look at the pair of them and realize I was probably that annoying mother of ‘Little Bobby’ with my older two. I will not be that mother to all of you.
I would like to share a few great ways to strengthen those hands and gradually bring those babies to writing.
FABULOUS FINE MOTOR ACTIVITIES:
- Stringing beads.
- Shaping letters from play-dough, a primitive sort of copy work.
- Lacing cards.
- Painting with thread spools (the small ones) You dip the end in the paint and make circles to your heart’s content!
- Using an eye dropper.
- Using a pair of tweezers.
- Serving food with tongs.
- Legos.
- Cutting with scissors.
- Tearing paper.
- Cutting play-dough.
- Using cookie cutters for tracing or in the play-dough.
- Print out a coloring page and let your child make a macaroni collage out of it. Or paper. Or string.
- Let them button.
- Opening and closing containers.
- Mosaics–let them glue those little wooden squares to a small piece of cardstock to create their own masterpiece.
- Jingle bells, buttons, beads—let them put them on a pipe cleaner.
REINFORCING WITH FUN:
Letter recognition. Play games such as Battleship, Zingo, Hi Ho Cherry Oh!, Shoots and Ladders, Bingo, Memory. You know, all those great classic board games that are probably collecting dust in your closet? Bring them out! Especially Bingo. It is letter recognition at its finest.
Cutting skills. I don’t know about you but one of our greatest frustrations has been the use of scissors in our home. Our budding writers have cried, have thrown them and we have spent countless amounts of wasted time trying to master the skill of cutting. You may be wondering what the solution was. No it wasn’t those fancy ‘bounce back’ scissors that they have in the pre-school classrooms. It wasn’t ‘grown up’ scissors.
We went back to the basics. I printed out single straight-lined worksheets for them to cut. We cut one page a day, per week until they mastered it. One page did not overwhelm any of us. I would add in ‘cutting’ playdough with those silly bounce back scissors. They did not mind this because playdough has no rules.
You can find some good cutting printables here: Positively Autism: Scissor Activities
Tracing. So back to writing. Again…hours of lost time trying to force the issue. Kicking and screaming, hair pulling…exhaustion. (The kids too.) I finally decided that if I could get both children to write their name (in any dialect of their choosing) once a day then we were making progress. I would be able to add tracing and mazes masked in other ’school work’ in other places. It worked!
Here’s some printable tracing activities for you: TLSBooks: Tracing Activities
Improving dexterity. Playdough with beads, sequins, glitter, jewels, dry beans, macaroni, scissors, cookie cutters…anything that is in your utensil drawer. Straws, pieces of pipe cleaner (they make good antennas), and don’t forget the googlie eyes.
I admit, I was not a fan at first until I found out how many wonderful things you could do with it within the school day. I mean, what kid doesn’t love playdough?? And as an added bonus for those of us who have children who still put everything in their mouth–it’s non-toxic. You may be wondering why that would be a concern for me since my kiddos are 7 and 6, but as a mother of a 7 year old boy who swallowed a bouncy ball last month I will tell you–it’s a BIG bonus. (By the way, my copycat 6 year old daughter had to follow suit and swallowed a ring a few days ago.)
Notable playdough activities and recipes: PreKinders: Playdough Ideas and PreKinders: Playdough Recipes
Pictorial resources. I am very much a person who learns by having things ’spelled out’ for me. I need steps. I need to be able to copy and paste these items into my personal schedule. If you look closely at the second website link, you will see that the pig graphic gives detailed pictorial instruction. Those young children who cannot read the word ‘glue’ will surely recognize the picture and this builds confidence.
Hummingbird Educational Resources: Recipes, Great Fine Motor Activities
And finally.. for you visual learners, a special treat. The following link will take you to step by step videos that teach you how to strengthen your child’s fine motor skills. Ah, the beauty of the internet!
Expert Village: Wonderful Videos on How to Teach Your Child Fine Motor Skills
Angela DeRossett is military wife, homeschooling mother, and an advocate for autism research. She also serves as the Heart of the Matter Review Coordinator. Angela can be found blogging at Homeschooling the Chaotic Family and Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy.
Becoming Like Ruth
November 30, 2009 by Angela
When the In-Laws Have Trouble Accepting Your Child’s Special Needs
The subject of Autism has brought out a number of different responses from those around us since the day my son, Xander, was diagnosed. I remember being fully charged and ready to seek out any information on the subject, and though devastated inside, I knew that I could not accept the ideas that we were facing “a lost cause.” This would not be the end of the story for my son, it would simply be a different story. As I poured through the self-help section of numerous bookstores and on-line vendors, I slowly began to grasp that there would be no quick fix and no definitive answers on how to raise my child.
How could this be? Why didn’t they have causes and treatment solutions readily available? Why were doctors quick to medicate upon diagnosis? Would we ever be able to take a breath and stop fighting for our son?
Perhaps the most thought provoking aspect of this new path God laid out for us was when I started receiving emails from fellow parents sharing their testimonies. I think for parents, particularly mothers, it is much easier to discuss the progressions and pitfalls with nameless, faceless individuals facing the same scenarios in their own homes as they discover the new world of Autism as well. One of the most common issues that I read, almost daily, was the hardships these parents faced in sharing this “problem” with their own families.
I must admit, bringing extended family in on the diagnosis of Autism is an almost unbearable task. I imagine it is much like a psychologist or doctor delivering bad news to new parents. They are faced with instant denial of, “No, you must be wrong, you cannot possibly be talking about my child.” Until a parent is ready to accept the possibility that their child has Autism there is no way that any professional, despite their level of expertise and degrees, will be able to convince them otherwise.
This is very applicable where in-laws are concerned. I mention in-laws in particular because the most volatile of relationships can be formed when you marry into a family. The most vulnerable being a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Let’s face it, we’ve all heard the horror stories from our girlfriends regarding this very subject. Perhaps there are many of you who have faced some of these situations yourselves. You may be wondering how earth to tell your mother-in-law about the world of Autism for fear of being blamed or of being told you are wrong. You may have even been told the famous, “There’s nothing wrong with your child — stop trying to label him!”
Take a breath. The fact is that these are people who have raised a child. One that you even considered marriage material. Whether or not you still feel this way about your spouse, in their eyes he’s probably pretty terrific. You may feel tired, rejected, dejected, and just plain fed up in dealing with them. Consider this: “For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.” (Lam 3:33, NIV)
Seems simple enough on paper, doesn’t it? This applies not only to the original diagnosis your child received but also to relationships, and especially to tribulations in your life.
So what is the answer? She’s driving you crazy and you just cannot take one more conversation filled with the many ways you are “doing it wrong.” God calls us to be obedient to our parents, and “for better or worse,” you have a new set. You have a mother that never asked for the role, who has a child already, and that’s a pretty heavy weight on any woman’s shoulders.
My husband and I were married in August of 1996. Young and in love there was not a single person who could convince us that we were doing anything wrong. Let me tell you, my mother-in-law should be sainted for what she had to accept when we took our vows. I was a force to be reckoned with, wild and immature, with a truckload of baggage. I can only imagine the look on her face when she realized that I was the one that swept her baby boy off his feet and was becoming a part of her family. Having three boys myself I’m not certain I would handle this type of decision with the same level of grace. It took many years to forge a strong relationship with her, and in some ways it became harder when I had children because the active role in her son’s life expanded to the territory of grandbabies. The woman who had scared her out of her mind by marrying her son, would now be responsible for the innocent lives of others. I literally cringe when I consider what my future holds in the ways of my children’s families expanding, especially if you truly “reap what you sow.”
It was around this time that I attended a Bible study that focused on the book of Ruth. It took my breath away. Naomi and Ruth had a relationship that challenged all other mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships. It forced me to consider a friendship outside of the connection we had in my husband. In case you need a crash course on this subject: Ruth married one of Naomi’s sons; the other was betrothed to Orpah. Naomi’s husband and both sons were killed. Whether you know this story or not, I would like you to consider what a massive tragedy this story is. Naomi lost her husband and her sons. In the book of Ruth she even changes her name to Mara, which means “bitter.” I’ll bet she was bitter. I would probably be shaking a fist at the sky myself. You can let your imagination roam to how it might have been to live with this woman after all of this transpired. Naomi ordered both Ruth and Orpah to return to their homelands and to leave her. In fact, she told them twice. Orpah said her goodbyes and left rather immediately. Ruth on the other hand had this to say, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” Ruth 1:16 (NIV)
Back in those days this was a risky situation. Unmarried women did not have a place in society. This meant giving up the creature comforts of Ruth’s father’s house and living in complete uncertainty. I would call this absolute devotion. As a matter of fact, it was well beyond what was required of her during this time.
Ruth was obedient to her mother-in-law in many ways and God blessed her richly for it — she became the great-grandmother to Jesus. She was one of only four women mentioned in His royal line, in fact.
What does this have to do with my own mother-in-law? It changed my whole outlook on the subject. I suddenly knew what to pray for! The thought that we could ever be like Naomi and Ruth seemed to be an impossible task, given my history, but it was worth a try. Through this I learned to listen more and be less defiant. Obedience was the number one task at hand, with tactfulness being a close second. You may be thinking, “Oh forget that!” but I can tell you that God has the power to change your circumstances if only you will take the first steps. You must ask Him and you must be willing to go the extra mile by accepting your role in the relationship
Sadly there will always be relationships out there that will not mend, but it is important that your hands are clean in all of your dealings. “The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.” 2 Samuel 22:21
When talking to in-laws about Autism these same rules apply. It is important to remember that this is a learning experience for them, too. Chances are the feelings you had when your child was diagnosed are the very same emotions engulfing them as well. Just like the doctor that gives bad news upon deaf ears, they must come to terms with this new idea as well. Would you like to know what NOT to do? Do not force them to accept the diagnosis immediately. You had time to let this sink in before going in, both guns blazing, ready to conquer the world. They need time as well.
Do not let yourself get discouraged because they just don’t get it. They may not ever accept this diagnosis, but there’s a good chance that your parenting style didn’t exactly jive with their ways either. It always amuses me to see the looks on grandparents’ faces when the daughter-in-law announces things like, “We don’t believe in spanking!” “Um, no cookouts for my little ones, we’re vegetarian.”
You keep doing what you’re doing. Being an advocate for your child is not disrespect, it’s your God-given right that no one can take away. There’s a good chance that they will eventually warm up to your ideas, despite how different their parenting styles were. The most important issue to everyone is that the children are loved. Try listening more than talking.
When talking to your in-laws, take the time to hear their point of view on the subject. Through this you may recognize some of the factors driving negative comments. They may be scared, devastated, in denial, or they may just want to argue with you. Though the last example may seem a bit humorous, there are those out there for whom this is reality on a daily basis. In considering scared, devastated, and in denial, people can agree, kids bring these emotions out in all of us. It is love that drives them all.
Remember: You weren’t the only one who had hopes and dreams for this child. Some of the best conversation starters could simply be questions on their expectations. (Provided both parties can be kind to one another.) Prayer should be the first step in including the in-laws in your child’s life. There will always be extenuating circumstances that need to be avoided, such as being afraid your child will be abused in any way, or that you would be placing them in a dangerous environment. If your new extended family loves your child and wants the best for him, as you do, then the best step would be involving them as much as possible and encouraging a healthy relationship for the child’s sake.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I come before You tired and ready to give up on my family. We just can’t seem to see eye to eye. Lord, I know that You can see the bigger picture and that through my precious child(ren), You may have plans to heal my family from past hurts. I ask Lord that You work in me now, changing my heart to make me like Ruth. I ask that You open my (mother-in-law’s, father-in-law’s, parent’s, mother’s, father’s, etc.) to be receptive to my change and that You help me keep my hands clean in all of my dealings. Lord, I just ask that You give me to wisdom and courage to be an active advocate and a good parent to my child(ren) with special needs, and that I may bless You Lord through my obedience. Amen.
Angela DeRossett is military wife, homeschooling mother, and an advocate for autism research. She also serves as the Heart of the Matter Review Coordinator. Angela can be found blogging at Homeschooling the Chaotic Family and Memoirs of a Chaotic Mommy.
