Resolving Conflict in a Homeschool Group
Conflict is very common in families, churches, and communities and it can arise in a homeschool group also. Disagreements may stem from a variety of sources including unmet expectations, differing goals and views, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings. Fortunately, conflicts can be resolved in several ways.
Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict points out that there are three ways to respond to conflict. Two of the methods, escape and attack, are inappropriate, leading to heartache and trouble. Escape involves denial or avoidance because some people prefer to avoid conflict rather than face it. They may believe conflict is wrong or dangerous. Conversely, attackers are more interested in winning than in restoring a relationship because they see conflict as a competition, a contest, or a control issue. Attacking is frequently used by strong, confident people. Only the third method of conflict resolution, peacemaking, is the proper way to settle disputes. Peacemaking – which includes Overlooking, Reconciliation, Mediation, Arbitration, and Accountability – is the resolution method commanded by God. The goal of peacemaking is to preserve relationships and find a mutually agreeable solution.
Overlooking an Offense
Mr. Sande points out that simply overlooking an offense is actually a healthy response to problems. Proverbs 19:11 says that “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense,” and confirms that quickly forgiving an offense is a wise move. Overlooking, which is a type of forgiveness, is a deliberate attempt not to dwell on an offense, talk about it, or grow bitter over it. You may ask yourself, “Is it really worth fighting over?” and decide it is not. Homeschool leaders should encourage members to overlook slight offensives as a proper method of handling disagreements.
Larger Offenses: Confession and Reconciliation
Some offenses are too large to be overlooked, perhaps because a relationship has been painfully damaged. In this case, confession and reconciliation between parties is needed. Reconciliation is gently restoring the relationship and it may involve confession on someone’s part. Each party needing reconciliation should ask herself,
• Have I said something unkind?
• Have I gossiped about the person or problem?
• Have I tried to control others?
Confession to the other party may be necessary in order to restore a relationship. Reconciliation is not merely confrontation; it is restoring a relationship. Remind members to ask for God’s wisdom and a gentle spirit before they approach the other party. Each party should aim to be clear and specific.
Merely complaining about another’s behavior rarely helps a situation. The goal is restoring a relationship, not blaming or accusing others. Members should use “I feel” statements such as “I feel like a scolded child,” to explain the hurt feelings a member may suffer.
Using creativity through stories to make your point can be very helpful. An excellent example of using stories comes from the Old Testament prophet Nathan in 2 Samuel, chapter 12. He had the unpleasant task of confronting King David with his sins of adultery and murder. Nathan wisely used a story of a poor man with only one lamb to help David see his own greed.
Bring in Help: Mediation
The next step, mediation, should only be used when Overlooking and Confession have been attempted and failed. Mediation occurs when an objective, outside person is invited into a conflict. The goal of the mediator is to facilitate better communication and to explore possible solutions. Matthew 18:15-16 provides guidance for mediation: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” In homeschool groups this could mean bringing the issue to the board or to an unbiased third party.
Last Resort: Arbitration and Accountability
Arbitration is another form of public peacemaking similar to mediation. In this case, however, the arbitrator acts like a judge making a decision that is binding upon both parties. If your conflict has not been resolved through mediation, I would recommend you read The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict before attempting arbitration. Contact Peacemaker Ministries (http://www.Peacemaker.net or http://www.HisPeace.org) which has volunteers who will act as arbitrators.
The final type of conflict resolution using peacemaking is Accountability which involves following the commands of Matthew 18:17: “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.” This method should only be used when a professing Christian refuses to be reconciled. In homeschool groups this could mean deferring the conflict to the member’s local pastor or church. Ultimately, the homeschool group may consider asking the offender to leave the group if the conflict cannot be resolved. It is sometimes better for one member to be asked to leave than for the entire group to suffer.
In conclusion, managing conflicts can be exhausting to a homeschool group leader. Encourage your members to settle disputes by Overlooking an offense and reconciling their differences. Use Mediation carefully as a final step to resolve conflicts. Read The Peacemaker by Ken Sande to understand how to deal with conflicts and to guide you through arbitration and accountability.
Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004)
Check out my article on page 10 of the funky flipbook edition of Heart of the Matter Magazine.
Carol L. Topp, CPA author of Homeschool Co-ops: How to Start Them, Run Them and Not Burn Out is a homeschooling mother and Certified Public Accountant who uses her accounting skills to help homeschool organizations. She has served as treasurer of her own homeschool co-op. She and her family live in Cincinnati, Ohio. Her website is www.HomeschoolCPA.com
What to Know Before You Join a Homeschool Co-op
January 25, 2009 by Carol
There are so many advantages to belonging to a homeschool co-op such as socialization, shared teaching, support, encouragement and fun! But perhaps you are asking, “Are there disadvantages to belonging to a co-op?”
Joining a co-op is a little like getting married.
After the wedding and the honeymoon comes the marriage. Marriage is indeed a blessing, but it is best if you are well prepared and approach it with your eyes wide open. The same is true with homeschool co-ops. Life may be great for a while in your co-op with a harmonious group meeting all your expectations. Great! At this point you’re on your honeymoon. Soon little annoyances may creep up, or things may not go the way you had expected. You may become disappointed. The honeymoon is over, with only the hard work of marriage (or co-oping) there to greet you!
Never fear. Like being married, the problems of co-oping can be resolved if you know what to expect. As a matter of fact, having unmet expectations is the number one complaint of dissatisfied former co-op members.
Unrealistic or Unmet Expectations
Like a spouse, no co-op will meet all your expectations. Before joining a homeschool co-op, you should examine your motivations and desires in joining a co-op. Ask yourself, “What is most important to me and my family? What do I want most out of this co-op experience?” Perhaps you most desire social relationships for your children. Then when you are dissatisfied about the start time, the amount of homework or the lack of singing for preschoolers, focus on your strongest desire. Is that expectation being met? If so, release the other, lesser expectations.
When I joined a homeschool co-op, I wanted group interaction for my children as well as classes that I was not teaching at home, like art and speech. Since the co-op met those expectations, I was happy. On the other hand, some co-op members were not as satisfied with the experience. Among co-op members’ varied expectations, some may be obvious and clear, while some of our hopes go unstated and often misunderstood.
Surrendering Control
Ironically, surrendering control may seem like an advantage to some people who will gladly hand over certain subjects like algebra, biology dissection or foreign language. Of course, turning over teaching responsibility for difficult subjects can be a relief. In fact, access to advanced classes may be the reason you sought out a co-op to begin with!
While granting teaching responsibility to others may seem beneficial, turning over control is another matter. Face it: homeschoolers like control! We like to direct our children’s environments, their exposure to the world, and their friendships. We pick carefully the curriculum they use. I once met a woman who really wanted every subject her child studied to be firmly grounded and rooted in Scripture including Bible verses for every chapter of science, etc. While this woman may have found her perfect curriculum for use at home (there are several to choose from), she would not have enjoyed a co-op because she would have had to relinquish some control.
If releasing control over certain subjects is an issue for you, then you can do one of two things: Release your hold, praying frequently, or find a co-op that will use the curriculum you desire.
Some co-ops have a very school-like structure. My co-op met in a building owned by a small Christian college. The rooms had chalkboards and desks, giving a very school-like feel. Many of our parents and teachers liked the building and classrooms because it was efficient to conduct classes in a schoolroom. If you are a free spirit or an unschooler, you may not feel comfortable in a classroom setting. Before joining, visit the co-op in action to get a sense of the surroundings and the environment. You may decide that the benefits outweigh the negative feelings of a structured environment, or you may conclude that you can live with a little structure once a week.
In a co-op class you might not be able to spend as much time on a subject as you might like. New York teacher John Taylor Gatto said it best in Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling:
The third lesson I teach is indifference….When the bell rings I insist they drop whatever it is we have been doing and proceed quickly to the next work station. They must turn on and off like a light switch….Bells inoculate each undertaking with indifference.
Homeschool co-ops like Mr. Gatto’s public school are frequently structured around the almighty clock. We move kids to the next class on schedule so that they get the most out of their experience that day. When dealing with large groups, a co-op must rely on structure and timetables to keep things running smoothly. A small co-op or single subject co-op can be more flexible and free form. Decide for yourself how strongly you feel about being under a time constraint. The structure may even be a benefit to you or your children. In cases like this you can see how even potential challenges can ultimately benefit you and your children in your co-op experience.
Belonging to a homeschool co-op can have some challenges, but challenges can bring benefits. What is a disadvantage to co-oping for some people such as surrendering control, can be a benefit for another homeschooling mother. Some co-ops may seem too structured for one family, while another family could benefit from more organization in their lives. Joining a homeschool co-op will take commitment, but hopefully it will be time and money well spent.
i. Gatto, John Taylor, Dumbing Us Down, (New Society Publishers, 2002)
Carol L. Topp, CPA author of Homeschool Co-ops: How to Start Them, Run Them and Not Burn Out is a homeschooling mother and Certified Public Accountant who uses her accounting skills to help homeschool organizations. She has served as treasurer of her own homeschool co-op. She and her family live in Cincinnati, Ohio. Her website is www.HomeschoolCPA.com
