Nikowa Lee | Heart of the Matter

August 12, 2010 By Nikowa Lee 14 Comments

I’ve heard over and over how people lose their privacy once they have children. Maybe it started in the delivery room, but it extends well beyond! I’ve swapped “I get no privacy” stories with many friends & they all seem to understand. They even have their own stories to share!

I swear I can’t go to the bathroom without an audience anymore.

But the alternate scenario is just as ahem, embarrasing.

You see, I’ve noticed that there are generally (generally being a very “loaded” word here) two types of children. One: children that listen to and follow directions. Those that know the rules and happily, or not, abide by them. And two: those children that listen to the directions and proceed to do what they want to anyway. The live-in-the-moment child.

I have one of each. (Lord help me!)

So when I don’t get the bathroom audience, I get the sounds-like-the-house-is-caving-in piercing screams of my live-in-the-moment child. Must he wait until I’m in private or dare I say on the telephone with someone important to test out those vocal cords?

Is there a little tingle that we forgot about when we were children that tells them, “Hey! Mom’s on the phone, you know what that means. PAAARRRTTYYYYYY!”

Does a little voice tell them that they MUST tell your in-laws that they stay in their pajamas most days & Mom lets us eat cold meat loaf for breakfast & cereal for dinner?

So tell me I’m not the only one, please!

What are some of your zero privacy adventures in parenting?

Nikowa Lee is a quirky homeschooling mom to a special needs son, co-schooling mom to a son that’s a handful, foster-to-adopt parent, Cub Scout volunteer, frugal lifestyle livin’, 2x cervical cancer surviving wife. She enjoys social media, photography, gardening, reading, and teaching. You can visit Nikowa at The Adventures of a Quirky Mom.

May 7, 2010 By Nikowa Lee 3 Comments

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
-Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

God made women special. We are the help meet. We strive to be the Proverbs 31 woman and all that entails.

We are chauffeurs, cooks, nose wipers, homework helpers, teachers, maids, schedulers and executioners of life.

We are women, mothers, sisters, wives, lovers, daughters, friends.

From the time we wake in the morning we’re on a mission. Everything we do is for everyone else.

We wake our household, make sure their bellies are full. Ensure the children are educated. Clean. Delegate household duties.We run errands, schedule appointments for more errands to be ran. We plan meals, vacations, we plan our lives.

All the while loving our family wholeheartedly.

As the day progresses, we continually do for others. Never taking into account the reasoning. We do it from our hearts. We do it because we love. We’re nurturers. We go to bed after everyone else, planning the next day – week – month. From sun up to sun down, we’re constantly doing for everyone else. This is what we were made for.

It’s tiring. It sometimes feels like no one notices everything we do. We feel forgotten, looked over, taken for granted.

Lately I have felt this way. Overwhelmed, I’ve cried wondering What’s wrong with me?

Then I remembered this poem that I’d once read a while ago.

Tears of a Woman

“Mom, why are you crying?” he asked his mom.

“Because I’m a woman” she told him.

“I don’t understand,” he said.

His mom just hugged him and said, “and you never will.” Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

“All women cry for no reason” was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to GOD. When GOD got on the phone the man said, “GOD, why do women cry so easily?”

GOD said:

“When I made women she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world; yet, gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. This same sensitivity helps her to make a child’s boo-boo feel better and shares in her teenagers anxieties and fears.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

I gave her a tear to shed, it’s hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed. It’s her only weakness; it’s a tear for mankind.”

— Author Unknown —

April 8, 2010 By Nikowa Lee 1 Comment

When we teach our children life lessons, most of the time it’s usually lessons in hindsight.

“See, if you would have placed your shoes where they go, you’d know where to find them now.”

“Saying those things are hurtful. Remember the Golden Rule?”

See what I mean? But we must not forget to also teach our child(ren) life lessons in foresight.

Planning is crucial to life. You plan before you go shopping. You plan what to pack before leaving to go on vacation. You plan out your budget every month. You plan out your schedules, your lesson plans, your holidays and much much more.

You know that without foresight life could be a lot more chaotic, right? Anyone ever forgot to pack their toothbrush to go on vacation?

So teach your child to make a list (and not forget where you put it). Teach your child to think about what they’d need on a trip to the beach versus a trip to the ski lodge. Teach your child to budget what they have and to plan for emergencies. Teach them to save for what they want. Teach them to spend their time wisely and give freely.

Don’t forget to teach your child foresight. After all, they are our future.

Nikowa is a quirky homeschooling mom to a special needs son, co-schooling mom to a son that’s a handful, foster-to-adopt parent, Cub Scout volunteer, music lover, frugal lifestyle livin’, 2x cervical cancer surviving wife. She enjoys social media, photography, knitting, gardening, reading, cooking, and teaching. You can visit Nikowa at The Adventures of a Quirky Mom.

April 6, 2010 By Nikowa Lee 5 Comments

When I had children, my view of the world changed. I’m constantly ‘doing’ for others, rarely thinking of myself. Part of that ‘doing’ is playing mediator.

“It’s not fair!” is something that I hear most often. Whether it’s ‘so-n-so’ got more time on the video game or someone else has a better bike. “It’s not fair!” seems to come flying out of the mouth just about as much as “awe Mom!”

Think about it, as parents we’re constantly trying to make sure that everything is fair for our children. Everyone has the same amount of drink. Everyone at the party has a goody bag with the same exact candy, toys, tokens, etc. Time is allotted to-the-minute for video games.

You get the idea.

But really are we doing our children a disservice? Think about it. As adults, life isn’t fair. We get passed over for promotions. “Keeping up with the Jones’” seem to be a relatively common thing. Your in-laws forget your birthday yet another family member gets lavished with gifts. Again, you get the idea.

Life is not fair.

As parents we want to protect our children yet prepare them for the real world. This is a hard balancing act. How do we make sure our children aren’t taken advantage of or even mistreated without giving them a huge sense of entitlement?

This is something that I’m constantly dealing with. I want my children to have a better childhood than I did, but I also don’t want them spoiled. I pray constantly for them. I pray that God helps me to be the best parent that I can be. Allowing the children to fail, struggle and work hard while encouraging and rewarding effort not the end result.

So I’ve been evaluating the situation when I hear, “it’s not fair”. Is it something trivial? If it is, I tell them that life isn’t fair. Get used to it. Harsh, but true.

But if it’s a situation where I can use it to teach a lesson or encourage, we work it out. At no time should someone feel inferior, unloved, unwanted or get hurt in any way.

So what do you do when you hear “it’s not fair”?

March 30, 2010 By Nikowa Lee 2 Comments

Welcome to our Special Needs Homeschooling Carnival. Every Monday for 5 weeks we will publish a collaborative article brimming with tips, resources and advice to guide and encourage you in your special needs journey. Anyone can submit! Sift through your archives for posts that you would like to share, old or new.

Weekly Topics

Week 1 - How to deal with mean kids. Ways to help a child cope with being ‘different’. How to encourage your child. Helping your child with self-esteem. Due by 4/9, posted 4/12.
Week 2 – Resources and support for parents, grandparents and siblings, including websites, books, etc. Recommended curriculum, activities and books for homeschooling special needs. Reviews. Due by 4/16, posted 4/19.
Week 3 – Autism and Asperger Syndrome. Due by 4/23, posted 4/26.
Week 4 – ADD and ADHD. Due by 4/30, posted 5/3.
Week 5 – Physical disorders such as speech or sight or hearing impairment, dyslexia, dwarfism, down syndrome, and cerebral palsy. Due by 5/7, posted 5/10.

What is a blog carnival?

**From Wikipedia: A blog carnival is a type of blog event. It is similar to a magazine, in that it is dedicated to a particular topic, and is published on a regular schedule, often weekly or monthly. Each edition of a blog carnival is in the form of a blog article that contains permalinks to other blog articles on the particular topic.

To Submit

Please email the following to nikowalee@heartofthematteronline.com before the above due dates at 9:00pm EST. You may send all your information in one email or in separate emails as the weeks go on.

Your name (first name only is ok)
Name of your blog
Title of your post
Direct link to your post
Brief summary of your post
Week you are submitting for

January 11, 2010 By Nikowa Lee 7 Comments

I’ve priced those crystal growing kits and WOW they’re expensive. So I searched online for a homemade alternative. After getting together all of the chemicals, we were ready to go.

One. Two. Three times we tried to grow these chemical crystals and nothing happened. (and I must say that the ammonia smell stayed in the house! EW!)

Back to the ‘ol drawing board. I did another search after remembering rock candy are essentially crystals and it’s natural! (Although we can’t eat them because the boys are diabetic.) So we started over and success on the first try!

Here’s what we did.

First I decided what I’d grow our crystals in. We used a glass (so we can watch them grow) carafe.
Then I decided what the crystals would grow on. I knew we wouldn’t eat them, so I decided to make cool color shapes with pipe cleaner. We molded them into desired shapes and placed them into our glass carafe. If you want to make rock candy you can use wood skewers or heavy-grade yarn/thread dangling by a pencil. But make sure they don’t touch the bottom…more on why later.
Then we started cooking! Boil some water and dissolve loads of sugar in water by cooking it. I didn’t measure I just poured away! You know you have the right consistency when it starts turning grayish-white and it’s carmelizing (getting thick). You can add food coloring or flavoring if you’re making edible rock candy.
Pour your syrup water into your container. You will barely be able to see your shapes because the water is so murky but as the water evaporates, it clears. We placed our container in the windowsill to help the water evaporate more efficiently. As the water cools and the water evaporates, the crystals start forming right before your eyes! The longer you leave the project, the more crystals you’ll have.

Once we were satisfied with the size of our crystals, we took them out of the jar and laid them on wax paper (which was hard to do because they stuck to the bottom). Tip: Use gloves or a kitchen tool if they touch the bottom because those crystals are sharp! We studied the crystals with our magnifying glasses and discussed accordingly.

Edible rock candy would make a great homemade gift and promote homeschooling too!

Nikowa is a quirky homeschooling mom to a special needs son, co-schooling mom to a son that’s a handful, foster-to-adopt parent, Cub Scout volunteer, music lover, frugal lifestyle livin’, 2x cervical cancer surviving wife. She enjoys social media, photography, knitting, gardening, reading, cooking, and teaching. You can visit Nikowa at The Adventures of a Quirky Mom.

November 24, 2009 By Nikowa Lee 3 Comments

Journey with Nikowa and her family as she shares with us her path through adoption.

Since we initially wanted to have our own baby, that’s what our hearts were set on– having an infant. We also knew that we wanted a girl, since we already have 2 boys. So we researched the internet and found a local private agency that specializes in open adoptions. This is where the entire adoption process is open to all parties involved, the birth mother and the adoptive parents. Most especially the child is made aware from the start.

We anxiously attended the agency’s free weekend seminar and was eager to begin the process. But after seeing the cost, we struggled for months with how we’d afford it. With this particular agency, they have a sliding scale fee schedule according to your annual salary. This adoption would actually cost twice what our new car did! After much prayer, we decided that this just wasn’t the path that we were supposed to take.

But we still wanted a daughter. So we then prayed about our other options.

pray

Lord what do you want us to do? I know that it was Your Will for me to not have any more children from my own womb, are we not meant to have more than the 2 boys? Lord please show us the path that we’re supposed to be on. You know that we desire more children, but if that’s not what You have planned for us, so be it.

We continued on with life, continued praying and watched for “signs” of His answers. (We’re true believers of signs.) We soon got notice from our homeschooling group that they were holding an informational adoption seminar. “WOW“, we thought, “we’ll attend this meeting and see what happens“.

The meeting went wonderfully. There were about 4 families there with quiverfulls and ironically we were the only ones that showed up that wanted more information. It was like the class was specifically for us! What a sign! We went home very encouraged and hopeful.

Our hearts began to feel burdened for children that need a home. We started to see more of those “help the children” commercials on t.v. We’d see on the news about children being taken from their parents or abandoned.

I hear you Lord. We will feel the need that is already there in our community. We want to help.

Not long after that, we contacted our local Department of Family and Children Services to submit an inquiry. We just wanted information on the process of adopting through them. After all, Kevin was out of work at the time; surely they wouldn’t consider us in this situation at the moment! I got a call back that they were having a class in a few months and that we could attend, but because I submitted an inquiry they had to put us in the system within 30 days. We immediately started getting up all of our required paperwork for background checks, physicals and preparing our home for the home study.

bed We knew that we wanted our daughter to be younger than our youngest…so we decided 6 years old and younger, also so I could homeschool from the start. We purchased drawer and cabinet locks, made sure all of our pets shot records were updated, and even bought a fire extinguisher! Also, slowly we’ve been buying “a little here, a little there” on sale, at yard sales, borrowing, and taking people’s hand-me-downs. We have everything from infant formula to booster seats all read– waiting for her.

Over the summer we took our required classes (and even infant/child CPR). We were given several websites and a book to view currently waiting children that are in the system. During the class, they explained that you’ll have an epiphany moment when you see “the one”. You’ll be looking through and you’ll catch your breath when you see the child. We were so excited to start looking!

Nikowa has been homeschooling since 2007. With her “learning never ends” philosophy, they have an eclectic year-round approach to learning. When she’s not teaching, she enjoys photography, organizing, cooking, and reading. She is a #1 LOST fan and watches UGA football too! (Go Dawgs!) You can visit Nikowa at Knowledge House Academy.

October 18, 2009 By Nikowa Lee 8 Comments

Growing up as an only child, the pressure was always on me to answer “yes” to everything. After all, there was no one else to split the responsibilities or chores with. It was all me – all of the time. After years of saying “yes”, I’m now finding it hard to say “no”.

Women by nature are great multi-tasker’s. I think God made us this way for a reason. That’s smart design! We can fold laundry, talk on the phone, & nurse a baby all at the same time. I’m sure you know what I mean. Our to-do lists are a mile long and we’re always adding more to it quicker than we cross stuff off.

Do you stay stressed out even over the “small stuff”? This probably means that you have too much on your plate. Assess everything that you’re doing at home and away from home. That’s right. Just for a moment, take the time, write it down. Everything.

Then assess what’s necessary for you to complete and what you can delegate. Surely your children can help clean the house. They can also pick up after themselves. Teach them to be proactive. Delegate as much as you can. After all, you do so much more behind-the-scenes work. Once you’ve delegated all that you can, mark those things off your list.

Next we should evaluate those things that we want to keep in our life versus those things that really aren’t fulfilling us. You can determine if something is no longer fulfilling you by asking a few simple questions.

Do I get joy from this task?
Is this task helping me?
Is this task helping others?
Am I being a blessing by completing this task?
Does this task cause me or my family grief?
Is it more of a chore than something that you like to do?
Did I just agree to do this to make someone else happy?

Basically you should get your priorities in check. You priorities can change all the time. What was important to you 6 months ago might not be so important to you now.

You should also reevaluate your tasks if you, like me, have problems saying “No”. Practice this, not just at home. “No I cannot do that right now.” “No thank you. It’s a great opportunity, but it’s not the right time.” It’s better to turn down opportunities than become overwhelmed with all of your duties. After all, how effective can you be at your tasks if you’re only able to give 10% to each of them? I don’t know about you but I want to give my best in everything I do.

Nikowa has been homeschooling her two boys since 2007. With her “learning never ends” philosophy, they have an eclectic year-round approach to learning. When she’s not teaching, she enjoys photography, organizing, cooking, and reading. She is a #1 LOST fan and watches UGA football too! (Go Dawgs!) You can visit Nikowa at Knowledge House Academy.

October 5, 2009 By Nikowa Lee 16 Comments

Adoption is one of the biggest decisions anyone can make, just as in having a biological child. And each family is unique in choosing how they expand their family. Some may not have children at all. Some may only have one. Some may have a dozen.

Generally people whom want to adopt, do so for a variety of reasons.

fertility reasons
other medical issues
a desire to help fill a need
religious reasons, etc.

Sadly, most people that are “on the outside looking in” think that most, if not all, people who adopt are doing so as a last resort. This is simply not true at all!

We have already gone through one adoption (step-parent) and will soon be going through another adoption using our local Department of Family and Children Services. Just as there are many reasons people adopt, there are also many types of adoption. This is by no-means a full extensive list, but a few of the more common adoptions are:

International: adopting from outside of your own country
Relative: adopting a relative of your own or your spouses
Open: adoptive parents having some/full contact with the biological parents
Private: adoptive parents having no contact with the biological parents
Step-Parent: a step-parent adopting a step-child(ren)

You can even have a variation of these such as an international-relative adoption. Adoption is somewhat complicated and here’s our “Why”?

In a nutshell, our reason is for “other” health reasons, not infertility.

Tip: Never assume that just because someone wants to adopt, that they are experiencing infertility.

The first time I ever went to the gynecologist, I was 14 years old. My menses were so painful that I’d often miss school. So my dad (who I lived with at the time) took me to the doctor. Ladies, let me tell you I was so scared! In order to get a complete physical, they performed my first ever Pap Smear and found suspicious cells. This is not the best first experience! Then I had to go back so the doctor could perform a colposcopy (biopsy). They found bad cells in it too! (This biopsy also serves as a method of staging the cancer; basically telling you how far it’s spread & how “deep” it is into the tissue.) It was then decided that cryotherapy (freezing) would be the best option for me since the cancerous cells weren’t spreading yet or very deep. The bad cells were only superficial. After undergoing the Pap, colposcopy, and cryotherapy, I had another follow-up Pap and after all was ‘normal’, I was ordered to have my “annual” every 6 months for the rest of my life. So now not only did I have a bad first experience, I’ve gotta come back twice a year!

After I had my second son, who was born in 2003, I had my ‘semi-annual’ and the doctor again found suspicious cells. Oh no, here we go again, I thought. Another colposcopy (biopsy) was performed. But thankfully, the colposcopy came back OK. We received a false positive. I’ve heard and read this happens more often than you might think, so if you get a positive try not to worry. Notice I didn’t say ‘don’t worry’ – that’s truly hard to do. I know.

Continuing on with my “semi-annuals”, I went into the office in June 2007 to inquire about having my tubal ligation reversed so that I could have children with my husband. The doctor performed the Pap and yet again the doctor found bad cells. Hey at least I know what to expect! Then I received yep, another colposcopy; this too came back positive. But this time, the tissue showed that it had spread to the surrounding tissue and was “deep”, more specifically a stage IIIA. Because of this, the LEEP procedure wouldn’t be effective. My doctor recommended that I undergo a radical hysterectomy. Now this I haven’t been through! I was so scared. I didn’t realize the enormity of the situation when I was 14, oh but I did then! I went in for the possibility of carrying another child only to be told that because of cancer, that’d never happen again. It was a hard time in my life. I was thankful and wanted to be cancer-free, but I also desired more children. I felt betrayed by my body, yet I knew this must be God’s Plan. Oh so many mixed emotions! After my hysterectomy, the doctor sent “everything” to pathology to insure that all of the cancer was contained. Praise God it was and I didn’t have to undergo chemotherapy.

Everything went well and I feel good now, other than going through menopause (starting) at the age of 26.

Another tip: Don’t assume that menopause is only for those ‘experienced’ women.

It’s been years since my journey started in women’s health. I am giving my testimony hopefully to save lives. Keep (or make) your appointments. I know these types of doctors aren’t fun; believe me, I wish I didn’t have to go back either. But it really does save lives! Please join me next month as I share part 2 of our adoption journey.

September 15, 2009 By Nikowa Lee 11 Comments

sac-ri-fice (noun): destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else; something given up or lost (the sacrifices made by parents)

Sacrifices are a common occurrence in virtually every American household nowadays. Whether it’s sacrificing eating out in order to pay off debt or sacrificing your time to volunteer, sacrificing is now commonplace.

Generally we think of sacrifice as something that we do that will help our family in one way or another. But what if your sacrifices are hurting instead of helping?

Here is an example where our sacrifices were hurting our family more than it was helping us. I hope that sharing our story will help those that are sacrificing too.

*******

Recently my husband went back to work after 6 months of being unemployed. We were so thankful; but this job is 100 miles away from home, one way. In order to save money on gas, time traveling, wear/tear on our new 2nd vehicle, and decrease sleep deprivation for my husband, we decided that he should stay with my father. My dad lives approximately half way between our house and the job site.

Problem solved, right?

Not quite.

It seems that we were all sacrificing things to save time and money.

I was sacrificing sleep, because quite honestly I cannot sleep without my husband at home. I had fears of break-ins (oh the noises you hear at night). Add in the stress from running a household as if I were single again, and this did not have me in a good mood. Little things that normally wouldn’t effect me, got on my nerves. I was overwhelmed and sick. Literally.

The boys are stressed because of fear that Daddy’s not home and in their minds, he might not come back. Separation anxiety was making them defiant, clingy, irritable and this makes Momma even more stressed. In complete honesty, I got tired and would more often than not let them have their way. I knew this was wrong but I was only one person. I can’t do it all. I re-evaluated my priorities and making sure the clothes were hung up properly wasn’t on the top of the “to-do” list, ya know?

Daddy’s stressed because when he *is* home, the boys are testing their new boundaries. They were more “sassy”, demanding and he felt like he was constantly getting onto them when he wanted to be hugging them.

Our whole life was flipped upside down because of sacrifice.

But what do we do?

We had to take a long hard look at our sacrifices and ask ourselves, “Is it worth it?”

In our particular situation: “Are all of these problems that our family is encountering worth Daddy staying away from home 4 days a week?”

Not to us.

So in our situation the sacrifices that we were making as a family was actually hurting us more than it was helping us. Now my husband is coming home every night and the stress is gone. Sure, we’ve had to change some things around (ahem, making some different sacrifices) like earlier bedtimes, but *this* is a sacrifice that we’re willing to make.

Nikowa is a 3rd year homeschooling mom to two boys. With her “learning never ends” philosophy, they have an eclectic year-round approach to learning. When she’s not teaching, she enjoys photography, organizing, cooking, and reading. She is a #1 LOST fan and watches UGA football too! (Go Dawgs!) You can visit Nikowa at Knowledge House Academy.

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