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How We Discipline

July 15, 2010 By Suzanne 8 Comments

And yes, we discipline. I promise, we do. Regardless of what you think after seeing us in Wal-Mart.

I’ve had a couple of questions in the last couple of weeks about how we discipline.

I read the books once upon a time. Most of the books were either useless or made me feel guilty. I believe you should read the books if you feel so inclined and then glean what’s good from them and trash the rest. I’m always concerned when parents “live by” a certain book. People are fallible. They fail, they learn along the way, they don’t tell you everything, they only have so much insight into your own children. And though children are children are children, they are all different. And usually different from day to day. I don’t even want you to ascribe to what I do. So my suggestion is to apply scripture to your everyday life. After all, all Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. ~2Timothy3:16-17 (emphasis by me, of course)

Read God’s Word and apply it to the way that you interact with your children. I’m not just talking about the over- and mis-used “spare the rod, spoil the child” verse. I’m talking about all of scripture. Do not lie. Do not be deceitful. Do not use trickery. Be slow to anger. Be slow to speak. Be quick to listen. Let the little children come to you. Kind words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Fear not. Trust in Him. Love God. Love others. Now don’t get me wrong – I fail at these daily. I told you not to do what I do. But these are my goals. To persevere, to be long suffering, to be gentle, to be meek, to not covet. These are the things that I try to keep in mind whenever we correct whatever it is that needs correcting.

I see 4 main reasons my kiddos cut up. Really basically just four.

1. They are tired. 2. They are hungry. 3. They are frustrated. 4. They are not being sensitive to the needs of others. That’s about it. Isn’t it?

How This Looks In Real Life

I try to find natural consequences to solve the problems.

So, when one of my kids is having a meltdown I try to single out what it is that’s at the root of it. In the grocery line and I have a 3 year old throwing a fit? I scan the list.. usually it’s one of the first 2. If that’s the case the fault is on me and I try to ride out the fit until I can either get him into the van so he can rest or I can feed him. If it’s not one of those, is he frustrated? And if yes, why? He wants out of the buggy? Sorry, he’s gonna have to scream. (Though I usually don’t put my 3 year old in the buggy unless he’s been cutting up way too much already – I need the buggy as leverage for a natural consequence). I ride out the fit and try to find another natural solution. Whispered in his ear “If you want that treat that we’re already buying you’ll stop screaming.” (And I almost always purchase some cheap treats right off the bat – they know it’s a standing incentive – yes, I bribe.) If he stops screaming I praise him and let him know the treat is waiting on him as soon as he gets buckled into the van. If he keeps screaming he doesn’t get the treat. If he stops screaming and then starts again in a few minutes I remind him again that there is a treat for him if he stops. He’s 3, I remind him more than I would my 7 year old.

Frustrated because someone’s hitting him? Address the child that’s hitting him. If you’re in the line, separate them, and handle all the “who did whats” in the van.

Frustrated because he wants one of those treats in the checkout line? I remind him I have a different treat for him in the van if he stops the fit.

The younger they are it’s usually one of the first 3 scenarios. You can still have those same problems with an older child as well as the loving others part. “It’s not fair” “I want what they have” “she’s touching me” “he’s picking on me” – they all fall under the “be patient, long-suffering, loving, and by the way, don’t covet.”

The Tactics We Don’t Use

I’ve heard about people using a drop of mustard on the tongue, the old school soap in the mouth, or meaningless work to discipline. We don’t do that. For a myriad of reasons, the least of which is the logic that although there are artificial consequences in life (drive fast = get a ticket) there are far more natural consequences in life (drive fast = increase your chances of a wreck, lie = your friends won’t believe you anymore, say mean things = people won’t want to be around you). We also don’t have a list of consequences that go with a list of grievances – that’s too much work for me and too much for me to try to remember. We use natural consequences and big picture parenting. If they’re fighting over a toy – I take the toy. If they’re fighting over video games I turn off the games. Fighting over who gets the suntan lotion first (and therefore gets in the pool first) then you go to the back of the line (along with having to hear me say the verse “the last shall be first and the first shall be last”) and when my 7 year old then began fighting for the “last” position I just reminded him his heart was still fighting for first place.

I remind them not to grumble and complain. The other day I talked to them about contentment. I read the Bible to them and get them to see the big picture in the Bible and then apply it (at a neutral non-fighting time) to real life situations. Then when I remind them of the stories and verses later they know what I’m talking about. It’s a discussion tool at a relaxed time.

If my 5 year old daughter is whining and complaining and I’ve fed her recently I let her know she obviously needs a nap (or an earlier bedtime) if she can’t control her emotions. I’m not angry – I let her know I have a really hard time controlling my emotions most of the time. And boy, does a little rest do wonders for me. She keeps whining? She goes to her bed. Whether she sleeps or not. If she gets calm and it’s been a few minutes (depending on how horrendous her behavior was earlier) then she can come back out. If it continues I’ll send her to her bed, tuck her in and there she will stay (screaming or not) for naptime. I will try to go back and console her if she’s upset. But if I’ve sent her in there the second time, then she usually does really need the rest. I’ll sit with her, brush her hair back and try to read with her. Help her settle. Because the big picture is that she needs rest and a Mama that understands.

When we’re in a full-blown defiant on all levels for days on end tantrum – which surfaces in cycles no matter how consistent you are – think about yourself – how consistent are you in your obedience to your Father? It goes in cycles, doesn’t it? Consequences for our sin, shame, forgiveness seeking, deciding to do better, falling away, sin, and the cycle continues. What happens for you in relation to your Father, happens to your children in relation to you. Anyway, when that happens we do what’s called boot camp. We use the methods I talked about in my Lessons From The Group Home post.

The Big Stuff

Lying is something we don’t tolerate. Ever. Even our tiny kiddos get told the difference of truth and lies. And encouraged to tell the truth. I’ve noticed the 3 year old lately starting to say “Nothing” in response to “Hey, buddy, why are you quiet? What are you doing?” That is not acceptable to me. It’s not true. I take him to the side, look him in the eye and tell him quietly and clearly that that’s a lie. That he needs to answer Mama with exactly what he’s doing, not the word “nothing”. We have dealt with some pretty frequent willful lying in the past with our older children. In the midst of it, I really thought it wasn’t going to end and I really worried. Much prayer for them (quietly, to myself). If it was about a fight that 2 of them had and someone’s telling me they didn’t do it – everything stops until it’s dealt with. It’s not overlooked. You go to your bed until you tell the truth. Two children give me 2 different answers? Then one of you is lying. The lying is always disciplined way more seriously than the actual incident. Someone broke something? Two children are saying something different? I won’t even deal with the broken object at all. A non-issue. But if you lie, you will sit in your bed until you come forth with the truth (within reason, people). If we knew which child was lying we laid the pressure on that child. Much talking about being trustworthy. For days we talked about the importance of being trustworthy. We looked for opportunities to discuss lying and truth and trustworthiness and consequences – books we were reading, shows we were watching. We prayed for wisdom of how to address it. We did a lot of talking and a lot of praying. It passed. And now when that child tells me something – I believe them. Above and beyond any child outside my family. Because I know they understand the importance of it. And just as we taught, they are now trustworthy.

So what looks like an unruly child in the check out line and a frazzled mama is actually a frazzled mama attempting to ride out a fit, in order to teach the 3 year old that throwing the fit doesn’t get him instant gratification at the appeasement of other store patrons. It’s the bigger picture that not everyone can see at the moment.

It’s all a work in progress – me, them, my parenting, our relationships with each other, with our Creator and Redeemer. It’s all about the relationship. And sometimes there are fits along the way. And disobedience. And acceptance. But if the relationship is there, the trust will follow, and with trust comes obedience.

Y’all, I don’t have it all figured out. Puhlease. My oldest is only eight. I have much fear for what the upcoming years hold. I pray all the time. I mess up and yell and get frustrated and cranky way too often. And we talk about that too. How we all sin. And need forgiveness. Including Mama.

But in the end I try to remember why exactly I’m doing all that I’m doing. And go from there. And it helps to know that they are kids. And that there’s a balance. Between law and grace. Obedience and mercy. And that I’d rather err on the side of too much love. Because really, extravagant love is what we have for a role model.

It’s not just behavior modification. It’s understanding and applying Truth to life.

Suzanne is married to one awesomely funny husband and together they have 5 kiddos. She teaches, cooks, overthinks, attempts sanity daily, and watches too much tv. She routinely makes others feel a little more normal at her blog The Joyful Chaos.

Making Laundry Detergent – Homesteading With Suzanne

August 3, 2009 By Suzanne 15 Comments

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The last time we talked I told you how I had temporarily dropped all of my newly frugal ways due to the surprising sickness that came with this pregnancy.  Except one.  Laundry detergent.  I started making my own detergent last November after watching an episode of 18 Kids and Counting and I haven’t looked back.  The money saving value is so exceptional it will, at the very least, make you look twice and, at most, cause your jaw to drop and become it’s number one promoter.

For most recipes I found online there were 3 basic ingredients needed.  Borax, washing soda, and laundry soap.  I find these three items in my grocery store for under $10 (you can call their hotline numbers to find a store near you) or order them online.

detergent-basics

Here are the two recipes I have tried.

Liquid: I used the Duggars recipe found here.

Powder: 1 cup Borax, 1 cup Washing Soda, and enough grated Fels-Naptha to make 2 cups (usually 1-2 bars)

Here is the full list of what I gather each time I make a large batch of detergent.

full-detergent-supplies

I have a large coffee can cleaned out to hold the detergent, an old cheese grater I keep just for the soap,
a plate to grate the soap onto, a little food chopper to finely chop the soap, and here’s where I appear to really go off the deep end – I keep our extra remnants of bath soap (you know the little pieces that usually fall apart and get thrown away?) and then use them as extra filler soap with the Fels-Naptha.

My large almost 3 pound coffee can will hold a triple batch and this lasts us months.

I grate the Fels-Naptha and remnant soap, then put it in the chopper to make it super fine.  I dump the soap into the coffee can at this point, add the 3 cups Borax and 3 cups Washing Soda (remember – my big batch is tripled) secure the lid and shake thoroughly.  And I’m through.  I use less than 1/8 cup powder per large load.

I have consistently used 20 Mule Team Borax and Arm & Hammer Washing Soda, but I have tried several different types of soaps – Pink Zote Soap and regular Zote Soap.  They all worked great I just happened to like the Fels-Naptha the best.  It’s a harder soap – I like the way it grates and I like the smell of it a little better.  And speaking of the smell, the fragrance is very light before washing.  After washing, the clothes have no noticeable odor.  At all.  Even in that first trimester.  I, personally, like a stronger smell to my clothes, so with all the money saved on detergent I began buying the off-brand fabric softeners just to make my clothes smell like what I’m used to.

In my brief time making detergent I’ve learned a few things. There are lots of recipes out there.  I began with the recipe they gave on television – it was a liquid version.  It worked fine for us and I have at least two friends who still opt for the liquid recipe – it does seem to go a little further.  I switched to powder when I got pregnant and loved the ease of it so much that I haven’t gone back.  I had to tweak ours a bit, which I read later may have been due to the hardness of our water.  Maybe.  Though I’m fairly certain mine was due to my general goofiness.

For instance, my local Wal-Mart did not carry the Washing Soda and I figured since it and Baking Soda were both made by Arm & Hammer and they both had Soda in the name that they couldn’t be that different, right?  Not so.  At least, not in the same ratios.  After one batch made with the Baking Soda our clothes were looking very dingy.  I became disheartened and almost gave up.  But after reviewing my recipe, decided to do a search of the bigger city for the real stuff and actually give the real recipe a try.  (Novel concept, right?)  It worked like a charm.  Our clothes came out beautifully clean.

Here is another site with lots of versions of the recipe.

So, tell me, do you use homemade laundry detergent?  If so, how long have you been doing it and what’s your recipe?  If not, but think you want to try this, be sure to come back and tell us how it works out and if you’ll continue.

Happy soap making!!

Suzanne is wife to one and mama to four and a half. The little ones are 2 boys ages 7 and 6, a girl who’s 4, a wild toddler boy who’s 2 and a new baby boy expected this October. She eclecticly unschools with lapbooks the Charlotte Mason way. In other words, she doesn’t have the slightest clue what she’s doing, but does it anyway. Be sure to stop by her personal blog at TheJoyfulChaos.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back – Homesteading With Suzanne

May 11, 2009 By Suzanne 6 Comments

I was on a roll.  I was saving money.  Going green.  Preparing my garden with the compost I had so lovingly saved.  I was perfecting my bread making, keeping granola on hand for hungry mouths, instituting cooking days, and cutting my grocery bill in half.  I was cultivating confidence (and growing pride) by the yard full.

We found out we were expecting the newest Parker and I knew we’d fold this upcoming baby into the routine just as I had done with the first four.  I’d begun to ask about and look into cloth diapering.  Baby food would take on a whole new look now.  It was going to be great!

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And then I got sick. Nothing to worry about, just run of the mill, first trimester-can’t-get-off-the-couch sick.  Why didn’t I plan for this?  Why didn’t I see it coming, you gently ask?  Well, the answer is not a popular one.  I wasn’t really sick with the first four pregnancies.  I had a little nausea a couple of times, but mostly just breezed through it.  I know, don’t hate me, I can’t help it.  And I was always thankful for it, I knew others and I knew how it could be.  So I was always grateful.

But it caught up with me.  I paid for it this time around.  Still am, on some days.  My house came crashing in around me.  And I was completely unprepared.  I couldn’t plan meals, shop for meals, cook meals, much less actually eat the meals.  I couldn’t keep laundry done, sweep the floor, or even manage to teach my children.  So, naturally, when my sewing machine came to a slow pitiful stop in need of oil, I couldn’t manage to figure out how to fix it.  I couldn’t imagine preparing a whole fryer for boiling.  I couldn’t prepare a garden.  I wasn’t brewing coffee anymore or chopping any fresh vegetables, so I quit even trying to upkeep my compost.  In fact, the only thing I kept up of my new ways was my laundry detergent making (it’s that easy – and I’ll share how I do it next time).

But one of the hardest parts of this for me has been the mental battle that came with this. I beat myself up over it.  Feared that all my progress had been for naught, that I had let y’all down – two measly updates in.  As we filled our cabinets and fridge with frozen, packaged, instant foods again I knew I had failed.  And let’s not even talk about school work.  Lapbooks came to a screeching halt.  And finally even our ridiculous attempt at worksheets stopped.  Who was I kidding?  What was I thinking?  What were we going to do?  (I tend to be a little on the dramatic fatalistic side when it comes to myself.)

What DID we do?  We ate out.  A lot.  We ate instant foods.  We watched tv.  I laid on the couch and cried.  Really, it wasn’t a pretty picture.

But now, as I’m rounding the corner into my second trimester, the fog is lifting.  About an inch at a time, but enough so that I feel hope.  I’m back to cooking a real meal or two a week.  My sweet husband put the few items we bought for the garden into the ground and even used my compost!  Just yesterday I added new compost fodder to the container.  Worksheet schoolwork is back in swing (but I’m saving those lapbooks for when I feel like superwoman again).  And my house doesn’t look so much like a disaster area.

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As I sat wallowing in my “I’m a failure” self-pity and bemoaning the fact that since I am a failure I have nothing to tell you guys, I had a revelation.  That is just what I would tell y’all.  That sometimes when starting something new there will be bumps in the road. Heck, there will even be times you just pull over on the side of that road and do nothing.  But the desire that drove you to start in the first place will bring you back to where you left off.  It’s okay to do the dance your own way.  And for me, right now, that homesteading dance is one step forward and two steps back.  At least I’m starting somewhere.  Again.

suzanneSuzanne is wife to one and mama to four, with a new one expected in October. The little ones are 2 boys ages 7 and 6, a girl who’s 3, and a 2 year old boy who’s not knee-high to a grasshopper yet. She eclecticly unschools with lapbooks the Charlotte Mason way. In other words, she doesn’t have the slightest clue what she’s doing, but does it anyway. She lives in a world where there are few absolutes. The dishes don’t stay cleaned, the laundry doesn’t stay put away, the children don’t remember what she told them yesterday. But in their chaotic lives they have found joy. And they’d love to share that with you. So, come on over, kick a path through the toys, have a seat on the couch and grab a cup of strong coffee. Just be ready to hone your skills of “interrupted conversation”! And be sure to stop by her personal blog at JoyfulChaos.

This is all I know

May 3, 2009 By Suzanne 4 Comments

I don’t have a clue about what I’m doing. No, really, I don’t. I know people who have their whole homeschooling careers mapped out from before their child is born. They know the method they’ll use. They have a plan for whatever learning styles their children turn out to have. They have their curriculum ordered, their school year lesson plans written or if they’ve chosen unschooling, they are completely confident and prepared for the life of learning they’ll unravel.  Me? I have no idea.

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A year and a half into this thing I don’t know what I’m doing. Nope, truly. How many days a year? Nope. Start in September? Start in January? Nope. Use a full curriculum set? Unschool? Eclectic? No idea. I don’t even know if my oldest is really in kindergarten or 1st grade. I told you I didn’t know what I was doing. Before they were preschool age I thought maybe I’d homeschool. I knew I had the ability. I wasn’t worried about socializing. I knew there were lots of great curricula out there. And then my oldest made lots of friends and there was such a to-do about registering for school and I caved. Against my husband’s better judgement.

Shoulda been a sign.

And then my husband took a job in a different city 3 weeks before school was to start. And we didn’t find a place to live (leaving him commuting more than an hour each way) until 3 days before the first day of school.

Shoulda been a sign.

I was in the first trimester of my 4th pregnancy. Every morning I got 3 small children dressed and fed and drove 20 minutes (to the best school in the district – refused to put my 4 year old on a bus) and dropped my crying, hysterical child off with strangers who could care less. That’s how kindergarten goes.

“They have to grow up,” they said.
“They’ll eventually stop crying,” they said.
“He’ll love it,” they said.
“It’ll be great for your other children,” they said.
“You deserve it,” they said.
“He’ll listen better to someone other than his mother,” they said.
“You’re coddling him,” they said.
“You’ll ruin him,” they said.
“He needs to toughen up,” they said.

He cried and I cried. Then, my other 2 children stood by the door all day asking about their brother and when I picked him up from school he was hungry; and tired; and overwhelmed; and in trouble – Everyday. So, I scheduled appointments with the teacher and I was informed that she had “only a minute to talk” because her son had a football game to get to so I couldn’t glean from her if it was typical kindergarten adjustments or if it was him. Next, I signed up to volunteer and was told that I should allow the professionals to do their jobs because they’ve been trained and know best. I attended the PTA meetings and was treated like a first-timer that needed to wise up, get seasoned.

boyschool

I brought my son home each afternoon with new papers declaring things like “name moved from good guys to bad guys” with no specifics of what to actually address. I went to meet him for lunch on his 5th birthday and realized they had 20 minutes to retrieve their tray, eat, and dump their trash. So, when he needed to potty, he didn’t get to finish eating. When we told him to put his chicken nuggets in his pocket so that he could eat them on the playground immediately following lunch he said, “Oh, no, I would get in a bunch of trouble for sneaking food.” He got in trouble at rest time for holding the 2 inch square of cloth that I had sprayed with my perfume to comfort him. In the mornings he begged me to not drop him off before the morning bell. They were to go out to the playground with all 6 of the other grades to play with 2 on-duty teachers. When we got home we did homework, reviewed his disciplinary action for the day, fed him, bathed him, and sent him to bed. We awoke the next morning to do it all again.

Shoulda been a sign.

At 8 weeks we finally prayed about what we were doing. And we brought him home – with no plan; no curriculum; no ammunition in our arsenal. We were armed only with our love for our son. Our feeling of what we were doing was finally right and we had the confidence that we know what’s best. I still don’t have a plan. I have hand-me-down curriculum. I have the internet. I have the Discovery Channel. I have ideas about someday ordering cool sets. I don’t know. Most days I question if I’m doing enough. Other days I question if I’m pushing too hard. I don’t know much about what I’m doing. But what I do know, we’ll go where the wind blows. I know that I love my children. I know that I don’t need a special degree to do that. I know that they’ve come so far in such a short time and I know that they astonish me constantly with what they’ve learned. I know that I love being with them. I know that they love being with each other. I don’t know how to do what I’m doing, but I know that what I’m doing is right. And I know that at the end of the day I love what I’m doing.

suzanneSuzanne is wife to one and mama to four. The little ones are 2 boys ages 7 and 5, a girl who’s 3, and a baby boy who’s not knee-high to a grasshopper yet. She eclecticly unschools with lapbooks the Charlotte Mason way. In other words, she doesn’t have the slightest clue what she’s doing, but does it anyway. She lives in a world where there are few absolutes. The dishes don’t stay cleaned, the laundry doesn’t stay put away, the children don’t remember what she told them yesterday. But in their chaotic lives they have found joy. And they’d love to share that with you. So, come on over, kick a path through the toys, have a seat on the couch and grab a cup of strong coffee. Just be ready to hone your skills of “interrupted conversation”! And be sure to stop by her personal blog at JoyfulChaos.

Back To Those Babies of Yours

March 31, 2009 By Suzanne 6 Comments

I write to you my fourth and final letter. This one, as well, is about those sweet babies of yours. I know they are the joys of your life. But I also know when we’re gettin’ real with each other they can be the absolute challenge of your life. In those difficult times I hope these words come back to you. And bring you comfort.

heidimthope

**Thank you to Heidi of Mt Hope Academy for this photo

1. Everything is a season. It will pass.

2. Don’t pass judgment on what you don’t know. Because if it’s not you, then you probably don’t know. You will eat your words.

3. Your children will get dirty.

4. Commercial stain removers will get about any stain out. If it doesn’t, replace the clothes with something even cuter.

5. Your very young children will throw fits.

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6. Your babies and toddlers will hit other children and you.

7. Your toddlers and post-toddlers will try out lying.

8. Your children will embarrass you in public.

9. When annoyances happen a million times a day – and they do – repeat after me… “it doesn’t matter.” Because, really, it doesn’t.

10. Forgive them and teach them the right things to do (they really don’t know yet) just as God is daily forgiving you and teaching you.

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11. Your children were born into sin. Just like you.

12. Slow down – you can’t hurry and love simultaneously.

13. Hold them when they’re sick – until you think you’re going to lose your mind. And then hold them some more.

14. Your young children just want to be with you.

15. They won’t always want to be with you.

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16. Your children will get hurt.

17. Don’t obsess about your child’s safety – be informed, be aware, and then trust them into God’s care.

18. When bad things happen – and they will – know it has already passed through God’s hands, He is completely heart-broken with you, and there is a reason.

19. You will not know “why” in the midst of situations very often.

20. God loves your children more than you ever could.

suzanneSuzanne is wife to one and mama to four. The little ones are 2 boys ages 7 and 5, a girl who’s 3, and a baby boy who’s not knee-high to a grasshopper yet. She eclecticly unschools with lapbooks the Charlotte Mason way. In other words, she doesn’t have the slightest clue what she’s doing, but does it anyway. She lives in a world where there are few absolutes. The dishes don’t stay cleaned, the laundry doesn’t stay put away, the children don’t remember what she told them yesterday. But in their chaotic lives they have found joy. And they’d love to share that with you. So, come on over, kick a path through the toys, have a seat on the couch and grab a cup of strong coffee. Just be ready to hone your skills of “interrupted conversation”! And be sure to stop by her personal blog at JoyfulChaos.

Starting Somewhere: Gearing up for Gardening

February 27, 2009 By Suzanne 12 Comments

As the weather starts to show signs of spring (or at least we hope it does soon!) I’m turning my homesteading thoughts to the garden.  You know… that we don’t have, have never had, and have no idea how to have, but that’s for another day.  Right now, let’s talk trash.

compostComposting! Here we come!

In the fall, I started my first compost bin.  Overwhelmed by even what kind of bucket to use, I went to my closet, dumped some clothes out of a container and set about my starting.  Then we went out into the front yard and started collecting dirt and leaves.  I then started setting a plate on my counter and put all of our coffee grounds, egg shells, tea bags, and fruit and veggie peelings on it.  Each day, or whenever I deemed it too gross to be in my kitchen, one of my children would step out on the back deck and dump the plate into the bin.

We have dumped some dirt into it and stirred it, but that’s been very rarely.  It’s not been very stinky, though it has been winter time.  I do hear that it doesn’t get really stinky like regular trash.

I do have to say, I wonder if it will be garden ready at the beginning of gardening this year.  It appears to not be breaking down at the rate that I had thought it would go.  But I will stay the course, and hope that something productive comes of it.

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In the meantime, this has been an easy (read: lazy) way to feel like we’re changing our ways.  It is so low maintenance.  Seems like I can’t really get it wrong.  And it’s one more step that by next year will be such a part of our lives that we won’t have to think about it and may contribute positively to our lives.  At least I started, made one more change in our consuming ways, and stuck with it.  Big steps in my book!

For y’all who have thought about doing this, but have not started because you were intimidated by the unknown (and you know you’re out there, I couldn’t have been the only one!!) start here.  Let’s talk trash together and learn alongside each other.  If I can do this, I promise you can.

And for those that are old pros:  What I need from you is advice.  I didn’t research this.  I know nothing about what I’m doing except dumping our old produce in a bin and stirring dirt into it.  Is this right?  Should I be adding something else or not putting something in?  How long will this take to be actually useful in a garden?  Please leave a comment with your own composting blog post, someone else’s website that has great information, or just a comment telling me what I can do differently.  And let’s do this thing!

suzanneSuzanne is wife to one and mama to four. The little ones are 2 boys ages 7 and 5, a girl who’s 3, and a baby boy who’s not knee-high to a grasshopper yet. She eclecticly unschools with lapbooks the Charlotte Mason way. In other words, she doesn’t have the slightest clue what she’s doing, but does it anyway. She lives in a world where there are few absolutes. The dishes don’t stay cleaned, the laundry doesn’t stay put away, the children don’t remember what she told them yesterday. But in their chaotic lives they have found joy. And they’d love to share that with you. So, come on over, kick a path through the toys, have a seat on the couch and grab a cup of strong coffee. Just be ready to hone your skills of “interrupted conversation”! And be sure to stop by her personal blog at JoyfulChaos.

Dear Friends, About Those Babies of Yours

February 26, 2009 By Suzanne 8 Comments

For my third letter to you I want to visit with you about those little ones of yours.  Oh, no, don’t worry, their imperfections don’t bother me at all.  Their loudness and messiness, nah, I’m used to that, and, secretly think it’s endearing – at least I know my kids aren’t the only ones.  I have no judgment for you, sweet friend, you have enough of that without me.  I just wanted to let you know that I understand that this baby-raising business can be tricky and that maybe my words can soothe your confused soul.

1. Find the balance in everything. Not much in life is black and white.

2. Raising kids (and all else in life) is not as much about issues – watching tv, what they’re eating, what programs to put them in – it’s about the principles along the way. Are you doing it out of love? Are you praying for, and with, them? Are you forgiving them and others? Are they seeing that?

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3. Life, like the Bible, is not about the law and rules (the law has to be there, but rules are not the end all) you must balance the law with forgiveness, grace, and love.

4. Life will not go as planned.

5. The house doesn’t have to be perfect – you’re the only one that cares.

6. Nothing will ever be perfect – don’t wait on it – it won’t happen.

7. If they’re getting into stuff – move the stuff.

8. Your babies are already who they are going to be – you just get to wait and discover them – you don’t create them.

9. They will not “get it” when you train them.

10. Training a child under 4 is like spitting in the wind. Do it anyway – but do not expect a behavior change.

11. Training is a process – over years – not a one-time event.

12. Discipline – ie. time outs, loss of toys and privileges – doesn’t start until they are closer to 2 years old.

13. Don’t react. Plan.

14. Do not discipline in anger – send them away to their room or you go to yours until you can discipline calmly, this will prevent so much guilt on your part.

15. Think of why they’re doing what they’re doing – how would you react in the same situation?

16. Repetition is what works. From about 10 months until it is clear from their faces that they know exactly what they’re doing willfully, discipline looks like a short command said quietly (ie. “not in the mouth”) and then removing them or the item. It never gets any firmer. You’ll just repeat until you’re saying it in your sleep.

17. As they get older discipline more firmly for the important stuff: lying, stealing, being cruel. As opposed to spilling something, having a messy room, getting dirty.

boxcutegirl

18. Praise more abundantly for being kind, serving others, telling the truth, asking and showing forgiveness, giving freely.

19. When disciplining, sometimes show them mercy and let them off the hook completely with no guilt – explain that’s how God’s grace works and God is merciful.

20. What your children learn from you – they will apply to God.

suzanneSuzanne is wife to one and mama to four. The little ones are 2 boys ages 7 and 5, a girl who’s 3, and a baby boy who’s not knee-high to a grasshopper yet. She eclecticly unschools with lapbooks the Charlotte Mason way. In other words, she doesn’t have the slightest clue what she’s doing, but does it anyway. She lives in a world where there are few absolutes. The dishes don’t stay cleaned, the laundry doesn’t stay put away, the children don’t remember what she told them yesterday. But in their chaotic lives they have found joy. And they’d love to share that with you. So, come on over, kick a path through the toys, have a seat on the couch and grab a cup of strong coffee. Just be ready to hone your skills of “interrupted conversation”! And be sure to stop by her personal blog at JoyfulChaos.

20 MORE things about husbands

January 27, 2009 By Suzanne 8 Comments

writingletterHere, dear friends, is the second installment of my letter to you: perfectly adoring amazing help meets that we all are, about our always sweet, wonderful, helpful husbands. Right? Right!? You know I’m talking to you. About him. And you know I’m right there with ya.

Here follow the last 20 truths I learned either by gleaning wisdom from older friends or the painfully hard way.

1. Every once in awhile, watch your husband and make a list of the things you fell in love with and realize you are weak in those areas so that God could make you One.

2. Put your husband first and then your children. Your husband needs this, you need this, and amazingly your children need this.

3. If you feel aggressively, defensively that you.are.not.wrong – you just might be!

4. Be teachable - especially when you don’t want to be.

5. Stop (mid-sentence if you have to!) when you’re tempted to gossip, berate your husband, or say anything negative.

6. Speak only encouraging words and they’ll come back to you.

7. Surround yourself with positive people. It’s contagious.

holdinghands28. Ask God for the characteristics that you want, try to make these changes yourself, find people that have those characteristics, and then just be patient while God does the rest of the work for you. One day you’ll just wake up and wonder how you’ve become more of the person you wanted to be.

9. Read Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul by John Eldridge – it’s written for men – my husband said it was life-changing so of course I read it! It gave me such insight into my husband. And my boys.

10. If something isn’t working – in your marriage, with your children, with others – ask God to search you and try you and give you wisdom to know what to change.

11. You will gain wisdom, if you ask.

325247_4400212. Give freely and often.

13. Accept freely and with much gratitude.

14. Don’t “pray”. Talk to God like you talk to your friends – openly and often.

15. When you want to complain – think of something in your current situation for which to be thankful. There’s always something.

16. Make life comfortable for your husband and he will make life fun for you.

17. Joy is looking at life with a thankful heart. It is a decision.

18. Contentment is not “just one more thing.”

19. Money is never worth it.

20. Joyfully laughing always is.

suzanneSuzanne is wife to one and mama to four. The little ones are 2 boys ages 7 and 5, a girl who’s 3, and a baby boy who’s not knee-high to a grasshopper yet. She eclecticly unschools with lapbooks the Charlotte Mason way. In other words, she doesn’t have the slightest clue what she’s doing, but does it anyway. She lives in a world where there are few absolutes. The dishes don’t stay cleaned, the laundry doesn’t stay put away, the children don’t remember what she told them yesterday. But in their chaotic lives they have found joy. And they’d love to share that with you. So, come on over, kick a path through the toys, have a seat on the couch and grab a cup of strong coffee. Just be ready to hone your skills of “interrupted conversation”! And be sure to stop by her personal blog at JoyfulChaos.

Starting Somewhere: Homesteading with Suzanne

January 23, 2009 By Suzanne 12 Comments

homecanningConfessions of a Beginning Homesteader

Although my daddy grew a garden every year and my mama canned at the end of each summer I was a mall-goin’, car cruisin’ kind of girl. When I got married all I brought to the table was my ability to make macaroni without having to look at the directions on the side of the box.

But I have a secret. I want to go green.

Bake my own bread. Can my own produce. Make my own soap. Sew. Mend. Darn (as in socks, right?). I was so gung-ho. When my mom brought over all of her old canning equipment and even a few “vintage” how-to books I did a little dance and got giddy over how my cabinets would look full of beautiful jars, how much money I could save, and how wholesomely my family would eat. All by my own hands.

I dream big.

But I fear bigger. So I stashed those canning supplies in a cabinet set aside just for them and kept telling myself I would tackle that challenge soon. My excitement grew stale and my defeat found roots before I’d even begun.

“I can’t do this.”
“I have no idea where to start.”
“I can’t even keep one house plant alive, much less feed my family from a garden.”
“If I don’t have a garden, then there’s no point in learning how to ‘put up’ my own goods.”
“I can’t afford a deep freeze, I might as well just keep doing what I know.”
“My days are full enough without having to add more stress.”

I closed the door on that cabinet and allowed life to happen. Feed those little mouths, wipe those little bottoms, change nothing, risk nothing, fail at nothing. I can’t do it all, after all. It’s overwhelming to know exactly what to do. Studying all of the must-have’s, just-so’s, best way’s put my perfectionist heart into a stand still.

But each time the toddler opened those doors and pulled out those jars and pans and lids to play with them – I would dream again.

I decided if I wanted to really do this and make it a lifestyle that I needed to make one small change at a time. I accepted that I could not transform myself from Consumer Extra-ordinaire to Producer Supreme in just a few months.

I started smaller than small.

bread loavesBaking bread seemed so intimidating. So instead I went to my regular grocery store and found a pack of 3 loaves of bread in the freezer section. I still had to let it rise but I started the process a few steps ahead instead from scratch. I spent one-third the money I spent on the regular bread aisle. And I pulled from the oven golden mouth-watering confidence. I did it! I baked bread for the first time ever! I focused on that success instead of the lingering “but I still don’t understand those little yeast packets and all that kneading stuff.” I continued to bake that kind of bread until it was “normal” –just something else I cooked in the kitchen. That allowed me to conquer one fear before moving onto another. And each accomplishment is one more habit that becomes a part of our every day life.

I say all of this to say, this is not a how-to. I’m no expert. Please know: I don’t have the foggiest idea of what I’m doing. But I’m trudging forward. I’m willing to learn. And I really want you to join me – everything new is easier with a friend, plus, I’d sure like to share some fresh-baked bread with you!

Join me, as I keep you updated on the progress of my currently ungreen thumb and the rescuing of my cabinets from that brightly colored parade of store-bought labels. Email me at suzanne@heartofthemattermagazine.com with ideas of what you’d like to see me try next. And by all means, please keep the suggestions, links, and encouragement coming.! Just remember, living off our own land is attainable. We only have to start… somewhere.

suzanneSuzanne is wife to one and mama to four. She “eclecticly unschools with lapbooks the Charlotte Mason way.” In other words, she doesn’t have the slightest clue what she’s doing, but does it anyway. She lives in a world where there are few absolutes. The dishes don’t stay cleaned, the laundry doesn’t stay put away, and the children don’t remember what she told them yesterday. But in their chaotic lives they have found joy. Visit her at www.thejoyfulchaos.com.

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