My mother often tells stories of me as a baby. She recounts how I refused to walk — she would stand me up and I would stubbornly sit down. She said, however, that as she would peek into my room I would be practicing in my crib. When I did finally choose to walk in front of others, I was running. The same pattern was seen when I was learning to talk. My mother would be frustrated as she tried to get me to repeat words and I would just close my lips and look at her. I would babble away in my room alone, but I didn’t choose to talk in front of others until I was speaking full sentences.

Not much has changed since I was a baby. I still don’t like doing things in public before I have mastered them. I don’t like people looking over my shoulder, I don’t like people judging me before I am done, and I don’t like feeling like everyone can see my weaknesses and flaws. You can imagine, therefore, that being a first year homeschooling mom has me filled with utter fear.

I have all the normal questions:

Can I do this?
Will my kids actually learn something?
Did I make the right decision?

I am also filled with all sorts of insecurity questions like:

“Are others who have been doing this longer going to think I am doing a bad job?”
“Are people thinking that I won’t really be able to do it?”
“What if I fail and I have to put my kids back in school?”
“What if God leads us in way that our kids go back in school and others think that I just quit?”

My heart is filled with fear, doubt, insecurity, pride, and jealousy. I may not know much about homeschooling, but I know this state of the heart can’t be a good one. The first set of questions don’t bother me so much — they are questions for me to ask myself and questions that will force me to pray, think, and reflect. The second set of questions, however, are other focused — they are me being worried about what others will think. I know I need to let this go, but old habits die hard.

So where is a newbie like me supposed to turn?

When the fears set in, I have found these three places to be a great source of encouragement. The doubt and worry may not disappear entirely, but I find the strength to move forward, trusting that He who led me down this path will enable me along the way.

1. The comfort of God’s love. God has given me the gift of these four precious children and He will enable me to give them the education they need. For now, that is at home with me. I need to trust that He will equip me to do all that I need to do when I need to do it. I need to strengthen myself daily in His word as I strive to educate the hearts and minds of my children. I need to let the the worries of what others think of me be replaced with the promises of what God thinks of me.

2. The confirmation of the calling. I am so thankful that I wrote down the reasons we made the decision to homeschool. On days when I doubt, when I am scared, or when I feel inadequate, I can reread this list and remind myself that this was not for nothing — there was thought, purpose, prayer, and passion behind the decision.

3. My Children. They are the reason I am choosing to homeschool. I want to be with them, to teach them, to learn with them, to see their excitement, and to model life and love in a way that honors Christ. If I can look away from the fears long enough to really look at these four little people in front of me, peace fills my heart and I know that I am doing the right thing. I know and love my children more than anyone else and that makes me uniquely qualified to educate them.

I am far from totally ridding myself of the fears of other people seeing me fail, but I am making strides to focus on the path set before me and I am walking forward with all the strength that God gives me. It won’t be an easy road, I am sure, but I am ready for the journey and can’t wait to be at the end of our first year when I can confidently say, “I CAN do this!”

Janet is a first year homeschooling mother to four children, age six and under. She and her husband Jason are in their tenth year of marriage and seventh year living in Asia. They currently live in Indonesia where her husband teaches at an Christian International school. Janet is also owner of THE DAILY DIGI (a website for digital scrapbookers and photographers) and blogs about her life as a wife, mother, and homeschooling mom at The Well Rounded Mama.