Heart of the Matter

Have you ever considered praying for friends?  Though it’s important, I’m not talking about the act of praying for your friends’ prayer requests. I’m talking about praying for actual friends to come into your life.

It’s hard to believe, but it’s true: God hears our every prayer. Even the little, seemingly insignificant ones. The insignificant to us is always significant to Him. Why? Because we are His. Because we are His children, He knows our every need.

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26)

One of the fundamental needs of people everywhere is friendship….intentional and regular fellowship. Though many might dispute this, I firmly believe it to be true. We shouldn’t go through life alone.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

About three years ago, I went through a very lonely and isolated span of months. Our two children were very young and not as mobile, and since we have always felt it was important to give our kids structure, I was (voluntarily) tied to the house the majority of the time due to naps and feeding schedules.

While I enjoyed the quietude for a while, it soon became a little too “comfortable.” I began to feel myself drifting from my old friendships and never initiating new ones. The biggest problem was that, at first, I was apathetic about it. I didn’t see meaningful friendships as vital and necessary. After all, I was best friends with my husband….didn’t that count?

Well, yes, it does. Friendship with one’s spouse is indeed a blessing. Yet there are things that my husband (i.e., males in general) cannot understand, comprehend or relate to. There are things that only other women can fathom. There were things I wanted to say, ideas I wanted to bounce off of someone, and things I wanted to be challenged on — but a quick look around and I slowly realized I’d almost shut everyone out.

So I began praying. That very night I prayed for a Godly, positive, strengthening friendship with a fellow female (mom and wife) to appear into my life. Though I felt silly at first, and worried it might be a “pie in the sky” request, I stuck to my plea. I continued to pray for it every day, and with time and increased loneliness, my prayers became more heartfelt (and a tad bit desperate at times).

You know what? God did answer my prayers. Funny how you don’t always realize that He does until you look backwards and see His provision from where you’re currently standing. God not only provided me with one strong friendship, but several. I am now surrounded and intermingled with a handful of Godly, Christian, same-stage-of-life wives and moms who nurture, inspire, challenge, and uplift me. A few are old friendships that I had that God grew deeper….and a few are brand new ones. The point is that He blessed me…..bountifully. He truly gave me “immeasurably more than all I (could) ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20).

What about you? Do you need to “pray for friends?”

Meg Wilson is a devoted wife to her husband, Ken, of 10 years, and mom and homeschooling teacher to her 5-year-old son and 3-year-old daughter. When she’s not writing or creating something, Meg loves to cook for, host and entertain friends and family. She also enjoys reading, the outdoors, eclectic music, yoga, and studying history. You can read all about her adventures (and misadventures) at her blog, Muses of Megret and read her product reviews at Muse Reviews.

Toward the end of homeschooling, you start to wonder about the next stage of life. What will you do when you aren’t homeschooling?

I can suggest what NOT to do. I saw a woman at the store who was talking about how bored she was with her life. She had attended FOUR weight watchers meetings during the week, not because she was overweight, but because she was BORED! Although I’m a big fan of weight watchers, I wondered about that. Is that all there is to life?

Give Yourself Away
The first thing I did was become a Board Member of our state homeschool group. That’s a busy job that really benefits a lot of homeschoolers! I also began helping other homeschoolers with my business, beginning almost immediately with my newsletter. How can YOU support other homeschoolers? What can you do to make it easier for the next mother who is stressed out about homeschooling high school?

Give yourself away in new ways, too! I began volunteering regularly at our local clothing bank. It’s a wonderful feeling to do something so concrete and physical that will help truly needy people. And there is nothing that can take your mind away from your own problems more than helping people with even BIGGER troubles!

Get What You Wish For
When I was homeschooling, so many times I had to say “No” to fun things. I had kids at home, I had to get dinner on the table, and there were 13 soccer practices to attend each week! When the kids are gone, now is your time to say “YES!” to the fun things you have put off! My husband and I started singing in our church choir. Evening practices aren’t a hassle at all when you don’t have to find a babysitter!

Make a List
List all the things you wish you could have done over the past few years, because your turn is coming soon. Make a list of things volunteer positions that sound like fun. Make a list of homeschool organizations that you would like to help. Make a list of fun ways you would like to serve your community and your church. After years of serving your family, soon it will be your turn to take care of yourself.

Exercise and Aesthetics
Do you have a box of photos and no time for scrapbooking? Clutter around the house, with no time to organize? Think of all the great crafts you’ll have time for! And when you retire from homeschooling, you can take care of yourself and finally be able to exercise. Just think, you can take a walk AND stop to smell the roses! Here in Seattle, it doesn’t rain all day long, just some of the day. Now I’m able to take walks between raindrops, when it fits my schedule.

Avoid Heartache!
You hear about the empty nest feeling when your children go to college. It’s true – and it’s probably unavoidable. But you can lessen the affects by being active in your community, and giving yourself away! Soon it will be your turn to volunteer, serve, and have fun!

Junior and Senior year of high school are extremely busy times. When you get frustrated, start writing your list. Because your turn is coming, and you can make the best of it!

Lee Binz is a veteran homeschooling mom of two and the owner of The HomeScholar, “Helping parents homeschool through high school.” She has a new free minicourse called “The 5 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make When Homeschooling High School”. You can sign up for her free email homeschool newsletter, The HomeScholar Record and get your daily dose of wisdom via e-mail from her homeschool blog, The HomeScholar Helper. Get homeschool transcript help with her Total Transcript Solution. Get comprehensive homeschool support as a member of her Gold Care Club.

I’m not saying you are crazy.

But I am saying that your thought patterns affect your marriage. I remember sitting at the dinner table with my daughter in her high chair and my 2 year old son, watching the clock. Tick tock tick tock. These thoughts ran through my mind, “Why is my husband 20 minutes late? He knows the kids are hungry and can’t wait.” Tick tock tick tock. “He is 30 minutes late and hasn’t even called. If he loved me he would at least call”. Tick tock tick tock. “This is so boring just sitting here with 2 children who can’t even carry a conversation…why is he doing this to me?”

Finally, the garage door went up and how do you think I greeted him at the door? Since I had spent 30 minutes brewing angry thoughts, guess what came out of my mouth – angry words. In Luke 6:45 Jesus says “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”

Imagine you had a cup of hot tea in your hand and your husband bumped your arm and it spilled onto the table. What came out of the cup? Hot tea. If you had coffee, then coffee would have spilled out. In the same way, if you are filling your mind with bitter thoughts towards your husband – then when your “cup gets bumped” what’s going to spill out? Bitter words. But if your mind is filled with good thoughts – then when your “cup gets bumped” what is going to spill out? Compassion and forgiveness.

What have you stored up in your heart towards your husband – are your thoughts of him good?  They were when you were dating!  Many of our marriage problems begin in our heads – in our thought patterns.  If we play a recording over and over of selfish and bitter thoughts then we can expect to have a bumpy ride in marriage.  Here’s how this dinner scenario went once I matured and learned that getting into World War 3 with my husband is more miserable than eating dinner alone!

It’s dinner time, tick tock tick tock…”he’s late again…he knows I hate this so he must have something really important to finish up.  I am so blessed to have a good man who works so hard.  We have food on the table and warm beds because of him. There are widows eating alone tonight.  They don’t even know where their next meal will come from.  I will wait peacefully for my husband to come through the door.”  And when he arrived he was greeted with warm hugs, kisses and the promises of warm intimacy in bed.  Extreme you may ask – not at all. It’s disciplining our minds to stop evil thoughts and create good thoughts.

When a plain ordinary wife spends her day thinking thankful, loving and respectful thoughts about her plain ordinary husband – they can have an extraordinary marriage.  Start today to weed out bitter thoughts in your mind and begin to plant seeds of thankfulness – in no time your marriage will be extraordinary too!

Courtney Joseph blogs over at Women Living Well. She has been married to her high school sweet heart for 12 ½ years, home schools her son and daughter and is a graduate of the Moody Bible Institute. Her passion to see women living well landed her on the Rachael Ray Show in November, 2009. Since then, she blogs regularly about marriage according to God’s word.

One eyelid fluttered open as I strained to determine if I really heard what I thought I heard. My suspicions were confirmed with the next telltale sound so I threw back the warm covers and groggily shuffled through the minefield of Legos, the overturned art table and leaking sippy cup as I tried to avoid tripping over the dog dancing in anticipation of her breakfast. I stepped into the kitchen and looked at my toddler standing with both feet squarely in the dog’s water bowl, doing his own version of Lord of the Dance: Waterworld. He noticed me and flashed his dazzling dimpled grin as he picked up the pace to impress me with his skills. The urge to just turn around and go back to bed was VERY appealing. Of course, just then both the doorbell and phone began ringing. I took a deep breath and evaluated my coping skills for the day ahead and realized that I was seriously lacking.

A Better Way

Have you ever had a day where before 7 AM you were ready to sink to the floor and cry? Oh yes, it’s actually funny later, but at the time…. I used to try to be brave and go it alone, but I’m learning a better way. I’d love to share and also hear from you as well.

1. Thankfully, God is with us to help us.

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5 ESV

Even though I may only have five minutes between my child’s escapades, it’s enough time to praise God, read a Psalm or simply acknowledge God’s presence. Find that chunk of time in your day because it provides life from the Vine that we so desperately need.

2. God is ever present AND He sends friends and mentors to provide encouragement, guidance, laughter and perspective that all our efforts with our family will make a difference.

Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Proverbs 27:9 ESV

If you realize that you are trying to be a Lone Ranger Mama, I encourage you to seek out friends and mentors. You can reconnect with old friends, make new friends by joining a new playgroup or an online mom community (such as the HOTM Forum), join a mentoring group or seek out an older mom in your church to be your mentor.

3. Most of all, I just want to encourage you that you are not alone. Even when you want to go face first into your Cheerios, you have support all around you. Look up, wipe off your face, reach out your hand and get connected!

I care and I would like to hear about a day you went face down in the Cheerios and how reaching out to connect with God and a friend or mentor helped you!

Tara McClenahan is a devoted mom to a two-year-old “little man” and enjoys discovering how God has “packed his suitcase”. As an associate with iBloom, she has a heart for inspiring, encouraging and equipping moms to become “Proverbs 31 mamas” and raise their children according to Biblical principles and guidelines using the Bible and other tools. Tara adores falling leaves, sweatshirts, Starbucks White Chocolate Mochas and the first curly BBQ chip from the bag! Make sure to visit Tara’s website to download your free Christian mom resource!

Once upon a time we had an old Commodore 64 computer which my brother-in-law had given to us for our children to use. That hand-me-down computer entertained my older children with multiple games whenever they earned computer time by doing chores or finishing schoolwork on time. Then one autumn day we made a decision to buy a new computer which would primarily be used to supplement our children’s education. The choice was easily narrowed down to the purchase of our first Mac Performa and the simplicity of using it made it a wonderful addition to our household. The most notable event was when my oldest son who was fifteen years old at the time went through the process of installing the software and hooking up our dial-up 9600 baud modem to the internet. What an adventure awaited us!

However, the challenges of homeschooling during that time plus taking care of baby number seven plus helping my parents as my mom recovered from major surgery allowed me little time to learn much about our computer or the internet. The extent of my usage was limited to occasionally checking a quiet AOL email account.

Until that following summer a mere thirteen years ago.

Finally our schooling routine disappeared as more flexible summer days stretched out in front of us. One afternoon I plopped open a Practical Homeschooling magazine which I had been reading while nursing my baby and slid my rocking chair and sleeping baby over by the computer as I searched on AOL for a message board area which Mary Pride had set up for homeschoolers. Smiling from ear to ear once I found it, I began reading through the different categories available. Any and every possible topic related to homeschooling was available. Then I landed on a category that spoke to my heart. Homeschooling a Houseful. I spent quite a few days “lurking” and getting to know the women through their posts.

During this season of life, I was so limited to being able to engage in relationships outside my home as my days were full from start to finish, but before the start and finish when the baby needed nursing and my household was sleepy, I slowly and steadily began developing friendships with a group of women who had similar life situations as I posted a comment now and then allowing them to get to know me. We all were still in our childbearing years and were often typing one handed as we nursed our babies, cared for large growing families which had their own unique dynamics, talked about the challenges of homeschooling and what curriculums worked the best, shared simple and easy recipes or laundry tips, and gave advice while we prayed for one another as sisters in Christ.

When this message board area closed on AOL, our group tried a couple other message board areas as our families continued to grow older. We stuck together as we began exchanging Christmas cards and family pictures every December, meeting one another whenever we traveled to other states, helping one another when there were needs beyond our means, graduating our homeschooling kids one by one, and laughing heartily or crying sympathetically with one another as our relationships continued to blossom. We worked our way through many controversial topics which came with it learning the “tone” of our discussions through our typed words with a heart for unity which was shown through our apologies when misunderstood.

Seven summers ago we finally landed and have stayed at a place on the internet where a private message board area was set up. Our membership is around 75 to 80 women with about half of them quite active and the others checking in now and then as we’ve busily chatting away accumulating thousands of posts. Life on the internet has also changed and many of us can be found on Facebook as individuals or within the group we set up. Life has also changed within our families as we now share about weddings, grandbabies, books, menopause, aging parents, health issues, and even the topic of homeschooling comes up once in awhile. Although there have been many changes, our friendships have continued to be an incredible blessing deepening through the years and which will continue into eternity as we’re all convinced we’ll have our own little corner in heaven someday.

Internet friendships are not meant to replace or be any kind of substitute for our real life face to face friendships with women, but they can be a wonderful supplemental way of being blessed by other women within friendships where we can share the thousands of words of thoughts on our minds within a given day. The key is finding a healthy balance of time to do this so that you are not taking away from your real life relationships and home life. Message boards are a wonderful way to connect with other women and in particular other homeschooling moms as they offer specific areas to meet similar and distinct needs. Heart of the Matter offers a forum for this purpose as well as The Homeschool Lounge. Take a moment to check them out and meet other women who are also homeschooling. You never know when you might develop a sweet friendship that may allow you to meet face to face someday in the future. Trust me, you won’t run out of words if that happens as the conversation will flow much as it does online. You will be richly blessed by a friendship with a dear sister in Christ and could anything else be closer to the heart of the matter?

Married in 1980 and still living in the same house in a woodsy rural setting, Tammy Dallmann’s homeschooling journey began in the fall of 1987 when her oldest turned six years old. As rather new believers professing Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, homeschooling was a way to live out the principles found in Deuteronomy 6:4-9. Through all the challenges of life Tammy has stayed the course growing to a family with nine children who presently range from grade school age to college graduates married with children. Her role has transitioned from learning everything she could about homeschooling to becoming an encourager to others coming along the way. Please visit Tammy at Garden Glimpses.

photo credit: Christine – From Storms to Sunshine

Even when you don’t know it they are watching. You do not get a break at anytime. When you think they cannot hear, they hear you. When you think they cannot see, they see you. The little eyes of our little ones are watching–always.

Children learn by modeling. They are looking around at others watching their behavior as they are discovering the world around them. They are like little sponges. They are influenced most by their parents for the good or the bad. So are you being a good role model in your everyday behavior?

This very thought makes me shudder. I often see the bad things that I do and am prone to condemnation but the Bible tells us there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. I am free from that. God is working out His will in my life and these children are part of that process. How will I treat this stewardship in His power and in Him? I am never alone in it. He gives me all I need for life and parenting.

Watch your children to see how they view you? They will role play house with dolls, legos, or themselves. Listen to what they think a parent is supposed to act like. It is the most interesting thing to me. They are looking up to you. They are watching and learning every day.

I mess up so much in what I think I should be doing as a mom. But I am not called to be faultless. I am called to be in Christ. It is a process learning to die to myself and live in Him. Parenting is a work that helps us learn this. Though I will think I am never enough, with Christ I am.

My children who are watching are learning. I was doing a Bible study one morning entitled Becoming a Woman Who Loves, by Cynthia Heald. My child took a look at that title and said, “What are you reading that for? You are already are one.” Those are the kind of words that make me melt. Though I often feel like a woman who lacks love, my child sees me at all times. She can tell me that I am a woman who loves. She is watching me at all times. She knows I fail but make things right as God leads and guides me.

How about you? What kind of things have you experienced with your children like this? How do you know they are watching?

Angela Parsley, of the international ministry Refresh My Soul Ministries, is a wife and homeschooling mother to her 2 young daughters. Angela is also a contributing author to a devotional book entitled, “Standing on the Promises of God” and Radical Revolution, a devotional site for teen girls through Proverbs 31 Ministries.

If a photographer was secretly capturing this week in your house – would the pictures have you smiling or scowling? Do you smile at your husband or are you too exhausted to smile? How can we expect our husbands to be drawn to us when we are scowling at them?

A big smile will make a husband look over a lot of flaws. He won’t care if you have on sweats from yesterday, messy hair, no makeup and some extra baby weight if he finds you smiling at him – and looking at him with that special twinkle in your eye – like when you were first dating. But if he comes home to find you scowling and grumpy – well – even if you were all dressed up with your hair fixed and makeup perfect – you just won’t be that attractive to him.

Proverbs 15:15 says “A cheerful heart has a continual feast.”

Proverbs 15:30 says “A cheerful look brings joy to the heart.”

And Proverbs 17:22 says “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

If money is tight and this financial recession has hit your home – you can make your house feel like there is a feast when you create a cheerful atmosphere. “A cheerful look brings joy!” If your husband is struggling and downcast your cheerfulness will be like good medicine to him.

Today start a new habit – of intentionally smiling at your husband – beam at him – regain that twinkle in your eye that you once had for him. Notice that he will be naturally drawn to you! If you were scrapbooking your dating years – there would be pictures of you smiling ear to ear all over the pages. Now if you scrapbooked pictures from this week – are you still smiling ear to ear? If not, it’s time! Joy in your marriage begins with a smile.

Courtney Joseph blogs over at Women Living Well. She has been married to her high school sweet heart for 12 ½ years, home schools her son and daughter and is a graduate of the Moody Bible Institute. Her passion to see women living well landed her on the Rachael Ray Show in November, 2009. Since then, she blogs regularly about marriage according to God’s word.

Did you know that an apple can never be an orange? Never. No matter how much we wish we had an orange instead of an apple. No matter how better tasting the orange might be than the apple. No matter how much prettier the orange looks compared to the apple. Ah, THERE lies the problem… COMPARISON!

Do you compare yourself to other moms….or to a particular mom? Do you think you fall short of being as good a mom as someone else (or several someone elses)? Are you discouraged that the results of your parenting are not as desirable (or evident) as the results you see in other children? Join the club. We should call it the “Apples to Oranges Club”.

Once we think about it though, the practice of comparing ourselves and our parenting with other moms is a dangerous, destructive and futile one. Why is that?

Comparison is dangerous because God created us to be unique. We are individuals formed by the very hands of God. And isn’t it common knowledge that when something is hand-formed or hand-made that there will never be another one exactly like it? Likewise, our children were also created as unique beings.

Comparison is destructive because we belittle and tear ourselves down when we don’t parent like someone else. What good can come of that? None! We will become discouraged in our parenting and perhaps even resentful towards our children for not turning out like someone else’s children.

Comparison is futile. While we most definitely can continue to grow, learn and allow God to shape us into more of His image and into the mom He wants us to be, comparison of our parenting and someone else’s presents us with a moving target, i.e. no matter how much we “improve” our parenting, someone else will always “appear” to do it better. Let’s get real here! Do you really think that the snapshots you see of the “Perfect Mommy” and her children represent the full picture of their lives and her parenting? It’s highly doubtful. Do the snapshots other people see of you and your children accurately depict the whole story of your lives? I’m guessing not. Rest assured, she is probably looking at you wishing she could be like you in some ways. (No, really!)

So let’s exit this merry-go-round, shall we? If we believe God to be sovereign (and I wholeheartedly do), then we have to believe that He chose us to be the parents of the specific children He has blessed us with. In so doing, He knew our weaknesses, our strengths and their needs. And (surprise!) He knew that we would make mistakes, some small and some huge! And (bigger surprise) His sovereign plan is not thrown off course by them!

Let me blow your mind with the following statement:  The fact that you are the mom to your children is part of God’s plan and purpose!

By that I mean that He partnered us up with our children because He knew what they would need and He uniquely created us to be able to parent to meet those needs. Do we meet them perfectly? No, never because as human beings we were not created to have all of our needs met by another human being. Our needs, as well as our children’s needs, are perfectly met in God alone. We go to Him to learn how to be the parents our children need, not to someone else.

Mommies, let’s stop comparing ourselves in a destructive way. Yes, we can learn from, glean from and adapt methods from other Godly mommies in a constructive way. But we should find our wisdom and guidance in Him alone through His Word, not in the comparison of ourselves with someone else.

Determine to be the apple you are instead of wishing you were an orange. Do you struggle with comparing yourself to other moms? Share with me!

Tara McClenahan is a devoted mom to a two-year-old “little man” and enjoys discovering how God has “packed his suitcase”. As an associate with iBloom, she has a heart for inspiring, encouraging and equipping moms to become “Proverbs 31 mamas” and raise their children according to Biblical principles and guidelines using the Bible and other tools. Tara adores falling leaves, sweatshirts, Starbucks White Chocolate Mochas and the first curly BBQ chip from the bag! Make sure to visit Tara’s website to download your free Christian mom resource!