Desires of Our Heart

Posted by Luke | 0 comments

I don’t pay attention to dates much. I no longer carry a PDA or a watch. I almost never look at a calendar. This is why I consider it a blessing that my wife’s and my anniversary is 7/10, her birthday is 8/10, and mine is 9/10. Seven, Eight, Nine… on the Tenth. Good stuff.

And that’s why I’ve had my heart set on us getting our kids on 10/10.

When you read this it will be the 8th. That means I want the kids the day after tomorrow.

Brittany and I assumed we would simply have kids. That didn’t happen, and so we considered adopting. The more we thought about adoption, the more we liked the idea. So we took the plunge and began the adoption process. And then we began talking. And the more we talked about the kids, the more I wanted to hold them on October 10th.

As I write this, it is still theoretically possible for Brittany and me to be in Kyrgyzstan by the 10th. But if I’m still in the country when you read this, unless I’m getting on a plane, that dream isn’t going to be reality.

And I realize I’ve been here before.

1AD

It was the summer before my senior year of high school. I had recently returned from a three week leadership training program in Europe. I had spent the last three years passionately proclaiming Christ at my school (a local public school after eight years at home; I’ll tell that story sometime), and I was now at summer camp. The speaker told the story of a man who saved a person every single day for a year. He then encouraged us to consider what God wanted in our lives and to move forward in faith in that. After that session, he told us to go outside and find a rock as a symbol of the certainty of God’s promises. It was a “Promise Rock,” a tangible reminder for us while we prayed.

And pray I did. In the weeks leading up to the start of school, I regularly prayed through the yearbook from the year before; face by face, and name by name. I also fasted for my school on a weekly basis. God wanted to save my school, and I was going to move forward in that certainty and pray for a person a day to come to Christ. I even gave it a handy name: 1AD.

My 1AD Rock

All God needed was someone willing and available, and I was that man. It wasn’t my responsibility to save souls, that’s God’s job, but I was the conduit that God was going to use. And if not me, that would be okay as well, but not as ideal.

I was praying. Others were praying. We were all stepping out in faith for this radical revival that God would change hearts and minds.

My mom cautioned that sometimes it takes awhile for things to move forward, and that I shouldn’t get too discouraged if no one came to Christ in the first couple of months.

I smiled. “Okay, Mom. I know.”

But come on. God wants to save people. He’s just waiting for us to act so He can move. Just have a bit more faith.

I had faith. I had more than a mustard seed, and I was moving forward in the power of God, walking in His promises, acting in faith, and resting in His grace. I knew I couldn’t do it, and I was relying on Him to make it happen.

Collapse

You didn’t hear about the incredible revival that swept through Englewood High School in Colorado, did you? No one from my school was interviewed by Focus on the Family, Acquire the Fire, or Teen Mania. I wasn’t asked to speak at any Christian events.

1AD was a flop.

But it was much worse than that.

I was the leader of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes “huddle” at my school, and our numbers dropped from the 40 people we had after Columbine the year before… to four. Our weekly prayer group dwindled to me, a friend of mine, and my sister. I was unable to pull a repeat of the “Worshipfest” held at my school the year before. In other words: My ministry completely fell apart.

Epic Fail.

I fell apart, too.

I entered my Christian college a shattered man. I had failed God. He had failed me. Every missions event and chapel was a lie. Every enthusiastic proclamation about God’s promises was a slap in my face. God wants to save people? Puh-lease! What a bunch of crock!

Answers and Outcomes

I wish I could tell you, “I have since come to see that God was actually….” But I can’t. I have no idea what God was doing that year. I mean, sure, I relate to people who are going through similar things. I can caution people against crazy expectations. And I have a completely different view on evangelism and high school ministry. But I don’t know what the lesson was. I don’t know what I learned, or was supposed to learn.

But I’m okay with it now.

I still tear up when I think about it. I still get angry sometimes. I’m very wary when people talk about God’s will, His promises, or His desires. But I’ve come to rest in God again, I’m just far less certain of what He wants to do.

So where will October 10th find me?

I’m not sure. But I am learning to give up and throw myself on God and His plan… even if that means failure, defeat, disappointment or rejection.

It ain’t easy, but it’s where I live.

I hope next month to be able to share with you the amazing details of our last minute scramble to get to Kyrgyzstan, but if that doesn’t happen, God is still in control.

What does that mean? I have no idea. But His grace is sufficient for that.

And His grace is sufficient for you as well.

Luke Holzmann is the son of John and Sarita Holzmann, founders of Sonlight Curriculum, Ltd., in Littleton, CO, where he is the Media Relations Specialist. He attended Biola University, in La Mirada, CA, and earned the BA in Motion Picture Production. You can find his work at http://www.sonlightblog.com/, production-now.com, and lukeholzmann.blogspot.com.