Father’s Day: Turning 40

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By Tim Hawkins
Comedian and homeschool dad

It came and went. Faster than a speeding bullet. My 40th birthday. And there was nothing I could do about it.

My face is changing. I have eyebrows growing in like fiber optic cable. I’m serious. “Honey, do we have any pruning shears? I’ve gotta trim these babies up.” There’s like leaves and apples growing in my eyebrow foliage. And then my ears. It looks like I have ZZTop living in there. “’Cause every girl’s crazy / ‘Bout Earhair man”. Rock on.

My products are changing. I’ve noticed you can tell you’re getting older by the products you start to use. My wife just bought me some deodorant that’s labeled ‘Clinical Strength’. That’s when you know you have issues: When your armpit funk is a clinical case study.

My body is changing. For Christmas, my wife got me a special bathroom scale. It not only measures body weight. It measures water weight, bone density, and body fat. Great. Now I have not 1 but 4 reasons to feel like a failure. I’m just glad the scale doesn’t talk. “Hey! Mix in a salad, you hairy-eared fat freak! GET OFF ME!!”

My beverages are changing. I can’t drink Coke anymore. No, no, no. My wife has me drinking diet soda. I can’t stand diet soda. Does anyone remember the first diet soda? Tab. That’s right, Tab. It was like carbonated Epicac. Sure, it’s easy to lose weight when you’re dry heaving all the time. The tab ON the can tasted better than the Tab IN the can.

My foods are changing. I can’t eat real eggs anymore. My wife is buying egg substitute. Which freaks me out. Where do those come from? What kind of chickens are shooting those things out?

And no more bacon. I love bacon. I brush my teeth with bacon sometimes. My wife went to the organic store and brought me home ‘turkey bacon’. Turkey… Bacon!? How is that possible? What, are the turkeys and the pigs hooking up now? What’s going on down on the farm these days? Gobble Gobble Oink Oink, I don’t think so. I mean, I’m open minded, but that just doesn’t sound Christian to me. And turkey bacon just doesn’t perform like bacon should. Real bacon crinkles up and sizzles when you cook it. Turkey bacon just lays flat. It’s like eating a meat flavored fruit roll-up.

Still, after I weigh the pros and cons, I’m looking forward to my 40’s. Because I’ve found there’s something great about getting older. I’ve learned to enjoy the little things that make life special. Like learning a new lick on my guitar. Or when I find extra fries at the bottom of my McDonald’s bag. Or a nap. Little things like that.

I’m just trying to keep my eyes open and see the wonder of this life. That is… when my vision isn’t obstructed by eyebrow hair.