Feeding My Pride

Because the lyrics of my life include Rich Mullins’ songs, someone gave me a twenty-six page magazine about the self-proclaimed ragamuffin. There are many pithy quotes in the Release Extra, but this one echoes.

I don’t feed my ego by wearing pretentious clothes or by cutting my hair in pretentious ways or by snubbing people in hotel lobbies. That’s not the way I feed my ego. The way I feed my ego is much more insidious and sneaky, but just as real…

I relate. Otherwise, these words would loosen their grip of my heart.

My family tries to lives simply. We bought an ugly house and make lists of what we’ll fix someday. Dreaming about converting the garage and remodeling the bathroom is easier than actually doing it. It’s cheaper, too.

One of our cars is an old station wagon. It isn’t held together with duct tape (yet), but most of the paint is gone.

My wardrobe consists of t-shirts, jeans, and a few skirts. I do not like putting on make-up. My hair is short, because I don’t want to mess with it every morning. Those external things don’t make me humble. I inflate opinions of myself in other ways.

My pride gorges itself with thoughts of invincibility. I am strong. I like to think I can keep the house clean and children laughing, while speaking gentle words of wisdom. Then the sun rises, and I pull the quilt over my head.

I want to be regarded as thoughtful, smart, and capable. But just when I’ve got things under control and figured out, children grow, seasons change, finances squeeze, or the dryer breaks. The laundry stacks up and the floor collects dirt.

It is easy for me to see when others put extra pressure on themselves, but if the load is on my back I often miss it. Glancing over my shoulder, I am astonished by the tangled weight of expectations. The extra fat I carry is from feeding my ego. God intends for me to run with the foot soldiers, but I lag behind wriggling the pack on my back. Instead of carrying the messy mass, I need to let it go.

There is a weight to carry. It is the weight of God’s glory, not mine.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Renae teaches her eleven-year-old son and two little girls at home. She has prepared lesson plans, enjoyed children’s literature, and delighted in discovery with her children for five years. By studying Principle Approach philosophy, she realized what she always suspected: the Bible lies at the heart of all subjects. Find her reflections at Life Nurturing Education.

Tags: christian living, Corinthians, Encouragement, Financial Woes, Frugal living, God's Provision, Release Extra Lyrics, Rich Mullins, Simple Living, Station Wagon

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