I Can’t Believe I Said That!

Posted by CarolB | 0 comments

We don’t write on the baby.

Please don’t lick the car.

How can you not know what hit you? The bruise is between your eyes.

When you thought about becoming a parent, you probably expected you’d say regular things, normal things, things that would be reasonable to find ones’ self saying. Things like “Eat your peas honey.” “Close the door, dear.” “Of course Mommy will love you forever, my little snuggly wuggly.” All perfectly reasonable.

Then. . .you actually had a child, maybe more than one, maybe a child or two who could even be described as unique, challenging, impulsive and surprising. And because of this you now find yourself saying things you could NEVER have dreamed of, things that never cross the lips of parents with those calm compliant easy going kids. (These people are like Sasquatch to me. I’ve heard they exist. I’ve even seen pictures in magazines. I’ve just not met one myself. But I’m sure they’re out there.)

Early in my son’s life I found myself bending over to look in the clothes dryer and saying, “Finish the chapter you’re on and come on out. It’s time for lunch.” It should have given me pause, but life with this child had produced more than one odd utterance.

Once I owned the fact that I was saying some bizarre things, I went on a mission to collect other such utterances from families all over. The result is a collection of some of the strangest and funniest things I’ve ever heard. Just for laughs, I thought I’d share a few of them with you.

• Take the goat out of the bathroom please.
• I know I’ve never told you not to, but why on earth would you?
• Don’t salt the chandelier.
• What do you mean you cut a hole in your window screen to fit your paint gun through?
• Using soap to wash your fish will not make them clean. (spoken over the fish tank full of now expired fish).
• Put your hands where I can see them and step away from your sister. (feel the power of the mom law.)
• Get your HEAD outta the cheese!
• The sunroof is not an exit.
• No thanks. Mommy doesn’t want to smell your earwax.
• Hugs are not weapons.
• Why do your shoes smell like gasoline?
• Who colored the cat pink?
• Your baby sister is not a rug.

My personal favorite was “Spit your brother’s tooth back out and give it back to him.” Can’t you just see the mother saying this with her hand cupped in front of her child’s mouth?

Sometimes you need an article that shares with you how to teach math on Monday morning. I get that. But sometimes you just need to know you’re not the only one saying and doing some of the crazy things we say and do. So when next you find yourself saying something truly strange and you worry someone might hear you, take heart. We actually want to hear you. You are not alone, and once we hear what you say, we know we’re not alone either. So it’s time to share. If you have a great utterance of your own, please oh please share it in the comments below. I keep thinking we should have a yearly contest and award for this, but I haven’t yet found a trophy with a hand over a parent’s mouth.

Carol Barnier is a fresh, fun and popular conference speaker unlike any you’ve heard before. Her objective is to have the wit of Erma Bombeck crossed with the depth of C.S. Lewis, but admits that most days, she only achieves a solid Lucy Ricardo with a bit of Bob the Tomato. She is a frequent guest commentator on Focus on the Family’s Weekend Magazine broadcast, has been a guest on many radio programs and is a speaker to conferences nationwide. She’s the author of three books about dealing with (or possessing) a non-linear mind in a linear world: How to Get Your Child Off the Refrigerator and On To Learning, If I’m Diapering a Watermelon, Then Where’d I Leave the Baby?, and The Big WHAT NOW Book of Learning Styles. Her main websites are CarolBarnier.com and SizzleBop.com. You can also find Carol at her blog for moms with distractible kids at SizzleBop. And for fun, see her church humor blog at CarolBarnier.