I Had No Idea
June 2, 2008 by Suzanne
Obviously I’m naive. I think of myself as enlightened. Aware of the world. Not living a completely sheltered life. But there are times that I’m made aware of my serious lack of knowledge.The other day I had a conversation with a friend who is pregnant with her 3rd child. She had just found out and had questions about how different going from 2 to 3 was. She said she had come to the realization that she kinda had a vague notion that 2 kids was normal and that 3 was breaking the boundaries of an “average” sized family. I’m aware of that thought. As in, I’m aware that there are people that think that. However, it’s so far removed from my own mind. Four children is not large to me. Not by far. Five is not large to me. Seven is kind of pushing large. Ten is where I say, “Wow. Now that’s pretty big.” And over that I just stand in awe. But I have to admit that’s not even shocking to me anymore. My husband’s former youth directors have had 13 children. I live in the same state as the Duggars. I love watching all those “dozens of kids” shows. My attitude toward those families is wonder, curiosity, interest, and, if the truth be known, a little jealousy!
I’m not naive enough to think that the general public feels the same as me. I know that there are people who look at me a little strangely at the grocery store. I know I get asked all the time if they’re all mine, if I have my hands full, do I run a daycare, are we “through?” And when I’ve said, “We think we’re done” I am amazed when they reply, “Good” or “I should think so.” But those comments have been very rare and far between. I do get the “Please get your kids under control” looks. I have had help offered, like by the young mother of one very well-behaved child in the store the other night, who felt sorry for me since 2 of mine were wailing like I was beating them (which I wasn’t!).
More often than not, I get stopped on the sidewalk and told about how I remind them of their sweet mama who had 5 kids and how they had so much fun growing up, how get-togethers now are a hoot because they’re all grown up and have lots of kids of their own running around.
It never occurred to me that there was actual hatred and disgust out there. Really. After the conversation with my friend I researched “large families.” I wanted to find some resources, how-to’s, encouragement, and general info on families that are considered a little larger by our current culture. There was an article in my search list that talked about how God doesn’t want that many children. The sheer venom that spewed forth was shocking to me. I was glued to an essay that I should’ve walked away from because I was so amazed that there were really people that felt this way.
I sat reading, rereading, and pondering it all with a heavy, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. I imagined that this feeling was a hint of what Adam and Eve might’ve felt after eating that fruit. The bittersweet bite of enlightment made me feel very ill. This wasn’t the knowledge I was looking for. But now that I stumbled upon it (read: made the conscious decision to click on the link that didn’t look like the other encouragement/how-to links) what was I to do with it? Send hate comments to him? Send links of people’s blogs that would argue the other side of the issue? Quote Bible verses to him? Form a group that would attack him with our way of seeing things?
I didn’t know what to do, but those didn’t seem to be it. I scanned some of the comments to find that there were many more that felt the way he did. I backed out of there and went looking for encouragement in order that my soul might be soothed. And I did. Here – where Rabbi Shmuley Boteach of “Shalom in the Home” on TLC talks about having a large family. His love and tolerance were wrapped around each of his gentle words. It was the honey I was looking for. I soaked it in and went back to the other piece. I pondered it some more. There are people that feel this way in the world. In our world. Maybe next door. My eyes were opened and filled with sadness.
I will pray. For him. For the others like him. Not that their point of view will be changed, but that they will find peace. That they will have words as gently spoken to them as I was searching for.
I will step lightly while in public. I will smile a little wider at those who give the judgemental looks.
I will answer all questions from strangers with patience and humor.
I will try to make sure my children are givers and not just takers in our society.
And I will share with others my joy and the encouragement that I have been blessed with.
I’m not out to change the world. Or even his mind. I’m out to make my source of acceptance known. And that Source knows each of His billions of children by name. He knows the hairs on their heads. And He counts them all blessings.
I will teach my children, through action and word, to accept all different points of view with grace and mercy.
I encourage all of you, whether you are blessed with one or twenty, to see children as the blessings they are! Being an only or part of a big group, does not make them any less or more valuable. Each child is a treasure and gift from God!
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Karin Katherine on Mon, 2nd Jun 2008 10:34 am
I have four children…and I admit to being envious of those with larger families. I think it is a blessing to be from a large family but I know what you mean about the looks and the comments. I look younger than I actually am so that also causes me to be judged as the unwed mother (I am married to their father)or the mother who must have started having kids in her teens. As such I am extremely sensitive to not having my wedding ring on (when it needed repair and when I was pregnant). It amazes me the loud comments people feel comfortable saying about my family with my children right there. Thankfully they haven’t noticed yet. They are all too busy enjoying each others company!
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naturegirl on Mon, 2nd Jun 2008 11:05 am
Thank you for your article. I also have 3 kids and get the same comments ‘you must be busy / have your hands full’.
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Bill on Mon, 2nd Jun 2008 11:40 am
I am the mother of six (counting a son-in-law) and when people comment “you have your hands full” I usually say,”Yes, my life is full of laughter, tears, growing pains, and joy every moment of the day. No two days are ever the same. I would have it no other way.”
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crumbsonmyfloor on Mon, 2nd Jun 2008 12:03 pm
So, well written. Thank you!!
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Letitia on Mon, 2nd Jun 2008 12:49 pm
Back when we expecting our 3rd child (by adoption~we have 4 now), we were in a Sunday school class at a large church. The teacher was reading the verse of the quiver full in Psalms. Then went on, “By the way”…..He told the class that a quiver had 5 arrows in it, so a quiver full of children would be five, and that it is unBiblical to have more than 5 children. That was 11 years ago, and we haven’t gone to that church in many years, but his belief still stuns me.
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Lauren on Mon, 2nd Jun 2008 4:14 pm
Excellent thoughts! After our third was born, there have been quite a few people to try to lecture me on birth control…it’s amazing, really.
On the other hand, it convicts me that I must do my best to show the positive side of motherhood everywhere I go!
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Julie on Mon, 2nd Jun 2008 6:14 pm
I remember when people would ask me if all 5 of the kids I had with me at the grocery store were mine. It took everything in me not to say, “No I borrowed a couple of neighborhood kids to come grocery shopping with me!!!!!”
I cannot tell you how many times I heard “You’ve got your hands full.” I would then reply, “My hands are not as full as my heart.” They would then smile and say, “Oh yes, I’m sure”.
Has my life been busy…oh yea, you betcha. Five kids in 10 years kept me busy. But my heart is so full as I look at them, some as adults, some as teenagers and one as a budding preteen. My heart is so full.
Thanks for your lovely post.
Julie
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Elvisgirl on Tue, 3rd Jun 2008 1:48 am
Is it possible that people now think two kids is a large family? Because I get the “Boy, you have your hands full!” and I only have two kids. I don’t think of two as a large family. I greatly admire those of you who have bigger families…you all amaze me! Because honestly, once in while, my two are a handful! I believe God gives each of us what we are supposed to have…be it 1 or 20. I’m certian that many people just don’t think before they speak, or they just like to hear themselves talk.
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lori on Tue, 3rd Jun 2008 3:16 am
Hey girl,
With 3 I get the comments..”you have your hands full.” AMEN, I have my hands full…there was a time when we did not think ONE, let alone 3 was ever a possibility…I LOVE this life! I’d have loved even more…but God has his plans!
What a great post! They have each other and for now we have them and I am THANKFUL for my three!!
Suzanne….what a GREAT post!! I’m going to the Rabbi’s site now!!
hugs to you….
still planning that move next door!
lori
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Jessica on Tue, 3rd Jun 2008 4:03 am
I know–the ignorance is amazing. Us ‘Breeders’, which I think is supposed to be a put-down, need to set a good example.
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MandyMom.com on Tue, 3rd Jun 2008 3:52 pm
After we had two children, my MIL told my husband he needed to “get snipped”. That was the same day he was going to reveal we were pregnant with our third. He didn’t.
She didn’t find out we were pregnant until I was visably, obviously showing.
I have three children, and I am constantly told, “My, you have your hands full.”
People are amazed that I take them places with me. Why wouldn’t I? Some of my friends only have one child and they “can’t” take them anywhere because the child behaves terribly.
People think we’re nuts when they hear that we’re not “finished” and that we desire to have even more children. What happened to the day when 8-10 children was the norm? I suppose, because we no longer have to submit to hard labor and have all these machines and gadgets to do it for us, that we don’t need children to be our slaves, and that is why people dont have as many children these days, but I’ve never seen my children as a burden or “future slaves”… I see them as blessings, and I welcome them (even though I get nervous and fear I won’t be able to handle it, I know God will help me through it!)
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Megan on Thu, 5th Jun 2008 7:58 pm
i tried to comment earlier in the week and IE gave me troubles. so, i think the gist of what i wanted to say was something like, “beautiful essay!” and “thank you for sharing your thoughts.” but we’ll never really know. . . ’cause i’ve slept since then.
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MommaKnows on Fri, 13th Jun 2008 3:16 pm
So true! I remember when I first got married. I wanted “ONLY Two kids.” Two. My marriage was bad, my husband an alcoholic, and it ended in divorce 3 years and one child later. I remarried a man with two children, I was able to have one with him, and we adopted 2. Total= 6 + 1 grandbaby now. Are we done? Well…. that depends on how you look at it. If the Lord sent us another foster child we couldn’t part with, then we would adopt that one too. Even without foster kids, there will ALWAYS be grandkids!
God has an amazing way of changing one’s perspective when we are open to His plans!
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hsmomma5 on Mon, 23rd Jun 2008 3:29 am
People ask the rudest questions. Sometimes, I think they don’t intend them to be that way, but they are. I have five children–all adopted. People ask if they are all ours, if we adopted them or are we “just fostering”, are any of them brothers and sisters, and on and on…..ALL IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN. That makes me mad. It is rude enough to even ask, let alone in front of my kids. [hopping down from soapbox now]
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