This article happens to be due on my oldest daughter’s 13th birthday. Coco has been asking for a Facebook page for the last year, and I have been adamantly against it. The more I explore Facebook, though, the more I realize she really is one of the only kids her age we know that doesn’t have one.
While I don’t mind being the only mom that says no, I want to make sure I’m saying no for the right reasons. This last month, I’ve been debating with several friends on the pros and cons of allowing a teen to have access to social media sites such as Facebook and MySpace. I even posted a question about it on my public Facebook page.
To be honest, I still haven’t decided what I think. I had an idea to give her permission to have a Facebook page on her birthday, and at this writing, I’m still prayerfully considering the pros and cons I’ve come up with. Here they are:
Con: I worry about my daughter being exposed to online predators. Blame Dateline.
Pro: Though this is a valid concern, in this case I think we’re safe. By using Facebook, she can password protect her page and only allow chosen friends also on Facebook to view it. I would certainly have the rule that she is not allowed to be Facebook friends with anyone we don’t know in real life. MySpace has similar options.
Pro: Facebook (or MySpace) can be one more way to connect with friends and socialize with kids her own age.
Con: While I like that Coco would have one more way to connect with friends, I also realize that friendships formed via social networking sites are likely to be somewhat superficial. On the same note, we are all aware that it is easier to over-share when “saying” things on the computer.
Con: Two words: Time Waster! Do I really need one more thing vying for my busy daughter’s attention?
Pro: Two other words: Time Management! By setting boundaries, I can help Coco learn how to manage her time better. And, as my friend Tish pointed out, Facebook can be used as a motivator (or leverage)!
Pro: Facebook can teach responsibility. When my friend Sherri mentioned that the games on Facebook are teaching her son to be responsible, I had to giggle. Yet, having to abide by the guidelines I give her would give Coco more responsibility. She would have to check herself before she clicks “share,” and learn to be discerning about what others are sharing.
Con: Is my daughter ready for such responsibility? In an online world, you may be able to take back something you regret saying, but you can’t erase it forever. In the age of texting, emailing, you-tube, camera phones, and more, I fear our kids have to learn the hard way too soon sometimes.
Con: There are certain people in our life that I’m not crazy about my daughter getting close to, even if it is on an artificial level. Sure, I can tell her she is not allowed to friend these individuals, but with this particular situation, I would not be able to do that. They are relationships that I have no desire to encourage, but am not able to keep her from. This is definitely the biggest factor in my decision. I know the details here are a little vague, but let me just make this clear: it is not my daughter whom I do not trust.
Pro: I can monitor! My friend Kelly pointed out that she knows more about her kids friends than she would by just hanging out with them because she has a rule that anyone who is friends on Facebook with her kids have to be her friend, too, so she can see their page. While I might not want Coco interacting with certain people, at least I will be able to monitor their interactions. If I see anything inappropriate, I can nip it in the bud right away.
Like I said above, I still haven’t decided what I am going to do. I gave myself the deadline of Coco’s birthday to decide, but I am turning this article in early. I will have to stop by HOTM when it posts and let you all know in the comment section what I decided!
And what about you? Are your kids on Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter? Tell us why or why not.
Angela Mills homeschools her two amazing girls. When she’s not dreaming up her next organizational system (the one that will really work this time!), she loves to spend time with her husband of nine years. She is seriously addicted to reading, Lost, and Burt’s Bees lip balm. She’s been a working mom, stay at home mom, stepmom, and is occasionally a weird mom, or so her kids tell her. You can catch her blogging at Homegrown Mom.
I have four children…one of which had a FACEBOOK account. After about six months of use, he deleted his account. Soon after, I deleted mine.
He deleted his because of the offensive content of many of the various applications. I deleted mine because I didn’t have time for it as a homeschooling mom.
Deleting our accounts has been a blessing. We are not tempted to go online. We pick up the phone when we want to communicate. I think it’s healthier, for us, all around.
Yvonne´s last blog ..Our Thanksgiving Celebration
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Dh and I debated this for quite a while back and forth. After my daughter had her 14th birthday, dh and I agreed that she could get an account as long as we had access. We have a 10 year old that wants one, but he is too young. I do let him play a game on mine – Restaurant City. LOL!
Sherry´s last blog ..A Thankful Thanksgiving
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I have 3 daughters age 12, 11 and 8. I have allowed my 12 and 11 year old to have their own blog which is only open to those friends we invite. THis has been great. Both for friendships and also as a creative writing outlet. But we will not be doing Facebook/MySpace. Although we have control of which friends “she” allows…..we do not have control over her friends, “friends.” And some of those comments are not welcome in our house. Thank you for sharing.
Laura´s last blog ..Blog Award
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I thought Myspace and Facebook to be great, harmless fun and a good social outlet for my homeschool teens…until this year when my sweet, beloved 19 yr old daughter suddenly packed up and moved eight hours from home to live with her bf, shocking and breaking the hearts of her entire family. The bf she happened to meet on Myspace.
Even though it’s unbearably painful, I retain my Facebook as my only means of seeing my daughter…through pictures and status updates.
I’m sharing this in hopes that someone will see it not as some radical conservative’s personal anti-internet/media/etc opinion, but for what it truly is…real life experience. Hindsight is 20/20…but why wait for hindsight?
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I appreciate your input! I wrote the post above and just wanted to share my decision. I did let my daughter have a facebook account, and she has a list of rules to go with it. So far, she hasn’t even been on it more than once. I did not use her last name and she can only “friend” people I approve of.
Angela Mills´s last blog ..Thanksgiving Links
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So good to read through your ‘thoughts’ here on FB. My oldest is 12 1/2 and has already asked for his own FB page. I’ve just started to process what this looks like. I know for myself there are so many things that tug at our attentions, do I want that for my child? And yet, this is the world is which they live. While they are still in our home, we have the privelege of influencing them and walking beside them while they enter into all these new worlds. Great articel! Thanks for sharing!
Melissa Morgner´s last blog ..Notice the Quiet?
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I know that every child, family, and situation is completely different, so please do not think that I am saying that what happened with us will definitely happen to everyone else. Please also know that we were incredibly involved in overseeing all online activities. We had all passwords and monitored their accounts daily, which was part of the “rules”. Also enforced were the rules of only adding/accepting family and real-life (approved) friends, only being online with a parent seated beside, and short time limits.
Yet once that door was opened, the world slowly seeped in…little by little by little…until something we never could have foreseen happened. From what we experienced, what seems like we can control and make safe with our well thought-out rules and strict overseeing is actually an uncontrollable, addicting, and destructive enemy. Sure they may appear safe while in my home and under my protective wing, but I have to ask myself now…Did I set my children/future adults up for something bigger than themselves for later in life?
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Thank you for this artical. My boys are still little {6,4,3} so the only time they are online is for games. It really made me think about why I am on Facebook, but more over I need to start thinking about it for my kids. I’m sure it will come soon.
I think you have a good idea that who ever is your daughter’s friend needs to be yours too. That way you can monitor with out hovoring. I think letting he do this shows that you are realizing that she is getting older and gives her a safe place to practice that independence. {and by safe I mean, because you are seeing what is going on and can pull the plug any time} I think the big thing is she has to know that just because someone wants to be firends with her… it’s ok to say no and not feel bad. {even if they are “real” friends.}
I think letting her step out just a bit is ok. When we trust our kids we need to trust that they will make good decisions when they are away from us as well. It’s hard but we have to let them feel the wind and just be ready to re-direct them or even catch them if they fall.
Again I have LITTLE boys but this is the mom I’m trying to be.
{leah}´s last blog ..On a Saturday afternoon
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Heidi,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your pain. You said it best when you stated, “The world seeped in little by little.” There is a very dangerous element in social media that most are not aware of…and some people even willingly keep their blinders on. “Oh that could never happen to my child because we have done XYZ.” (filters, monitoring, teaching right from wrong, etc…) The fact is that in this world our reality is that sin thrives where it can be kept secret.
It’s not the websites that are the problem. It’s the human heart. We parents can walk tightly with the Lord, doing all that He commands us in our parenting. But we and our children still have the choice to choose rightly or wrongly. Our propensity is to sin.
The internet is powerful. It is an idol to many folks. It provides pseudo-intimacy, comfort and passive entertainment to those who seek it, over the Lord.
Heidi, our God is mighty. He is redemptive and longs for His people to turn to Him.
You might find the book, “When I lay my Isaac Down,” by Carol Kent helpful to you. Carol Kent shares the story of how her beautiful son, a responsible loving Christian man, an honor student, a Naval Academy graduate who fell into fear over his stepdaughters and murdered the person who was hurting them. Throughout her story, she encourages folks to embrace the reality the Lord has allowed into their lives and learn what He has for them there. It is one of the most honest books I’ve ever read. Raw Christianity…an honest look at the broken heart, and the amazing love of God.
Yvonne´s last blog ..Our Thanksgiving Celebration
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I appreciate the concerns of some of the above individuals. I am so sorry for the sadness wrought by the world’s infiltration into their lives. I, too, was very wary about facebook. It’s not my sort of thing, really. However, when my brother, who is somewhat of a techie, called and told me he’d found friends of mine I had been searching for for years on FB, I set up an account and was reconnected with these special individuals. It was great to know they were happily married and teaching. I didn’t do much with it after that, then I went on bedrest for a while during a pregnancy and had lots of sittin’ time (at night when I couldn’t sleep) to build a small friends list (including my pastor, who set up a page for our church to notify members of special events). I was stunned around that time to be contacted through fb by my uncle, who had chosen to separate himself from the family for a decade. WOW! Since then, we have reconnected with him and his family. They even spent Thanksgiving with us. What an incredible thing that was..and will continue to be, thanks to facebook. So here is one good story for the collection. I don’t “facebook” much these days…too busy…but there certainly is a temptation to get too caught up in it…my brother posts using his phone. And all the games…ugh (I did “farmtown” during the bed rest time and I am GLAD to not “have” do it any more). I have friends who gave their homeschooling kids laptops last Christmas and they all have fb accounts. They sit in the evenings and play games “together” and fb each other comments about dinner. I am not sure THAT makes sense! Blessings to you all.
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We allow three of our four children to have social media accounts, and all four have email. However, we have passwords to everything and they are not allowed to play without permission, and without us in the room.
Our first bad experience with the internet came not with social networking but when our youngest son (about 8 or 9 at the time) was doing a report for Black History month for the charter school he attended. He was at a normal website when a porn advertisement popped up. Later, when I wasn’t in the house and had forgot to logout, his curiosity got the better of him and he pulled back up the original website and the ad popped up again. He clicked on it and immediately about 150 pages opened up. I walked in to find my young son trying his best to close them all.
There are dangers on the most simplest of pages, not just social sites. That is why it is important for you to always be present and MAKE your children be accountable to you for the sites they go to and people they communicate with. If it means that I’m a mean mommy, or an uncool mommy, for having my kids passwords, I can live with that! If they want internet access, they will live with it, too
Sallie´s last blog ..Checkers, anyone?!
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