Little Touches: Small Ways to Keep Your Marriage Strong

Posted by Sallie | 0 comments

The toilet overflowed and started leaking through the ceiling into the kitchen below it…

The dog ate, and then regurgitated, right on the forms you were filling out to make sure your home school this year was actually legitimate…

Your youngest spilled her cup of milk onto the oldest’s college application…

Then, because when it rains it pours and you truly needed an interesting day in the middle of your week, the battery in your “anywhere from 7 to 15″ passenger van has died so you have no way to go buy groceries and everyone is stuck with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch–and dinner–again.

The one thing you want when your husband comes home from work is to see that knowing sparkle in his eye or to hear whispers of sweet nothings in your ear.

Of course, if he too has had a bad day at work and just wants to tell you about it, then it is more likely that a famous line of Rhett Butler’s may very well be going through your mind rather than the kind words he needs to desperately hear from you, his lovely wife.

What do you do? What do you say? How do you let this barrage of stuff affect you in something other than a negative way?

Quite honestly the best course of action is that you say and do nothing. Or, at least, you don’t let loose on your honey with a verbal slew of words and actions that you know you will regret later. My mama’s words from when I was a child ring loudly in my ears: “If you can’t say something nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all!”

Scripture tells us that “a soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1a) and that “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” (Proverbs 25:11).

I look at the failing world of marriage that I am surrounded by and I wonder how many of those relationships could have been saved by just holding on to our tongues every once in a while. How often does our having to be “right” turn into being the last word on our marriage? All too often in this day and time, it seems more of a rare accomplishment for couples to reach a fifth anniversary than in our grandparents’ time, when it really meant something to them to celebrate 30, 40, or 50 years.

What can we do to save our marriages? What little things sought out to accomplish each day or week will bring us back to where we hold marriage as something endearing and lasting, rather than a pit stop on the way to the next chapter of our lives? Let me share a few things my husband and I have sought to do to keep our marriage successful.

First, we pray for each other and for our marriage. I have to honestly say we don’t pray together as often as I’d like but we do pray separately–a lot. The times we do pray together have become very meaningful and special to me, as they are usually for very important happenings within our family life. Our prayer lists include each other and the work we have before us through the day, our children, their future spouses and future children, our school, our work, our family time together, our finances, our tithing, our neighbors, our church, and more. The more in depth our prayer list becomes in including every avenue of our life, the more we see God work in the places around us and He gives us opportunities to share with others how He is working in our lives.

We also leave love notes hidden for each other. This tradition started when my husband was deploying to Japan for a six month tour. I tucked one little note in his bag thinking I was being so smooth and sneaky. What I didn’t realize, however, was that he was really the sneaky one and had spent the days before he left tucking notes everywhere he could think of for me to find. Months later I was still finding notes from my sweet husband in the most unlikely of places. I think the most unusual place was the bottom of the flour bin. I set out to make cookies for our young daughter and three months into a deployment there a letter from my husband was sitting and waiting for me. I fully trust that God let me find those little notes right at the perfect time when He knew I needed an encouraging word from my love. These little notes have become meaningful for my husband and I and we leave them laying around often for each other. We even write words of love in each other’s Bibles.

We buy treats and sweets for each other “just because.” It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant or expensive. Actually, most times it is all very inexpensive! My husband knows I can’t resist a good Snickers bar or yellow roses. If he has talked to me on the phone and I sound a bit like my day is off, then it isn’t unusual for him to show up at home with a rose or a Snickers bar. He also sits and plays his guitar for me because he knows how deeply music touches me. I love to hear him play and all my worries melt away with a few chords being strummed.

I know my husband is a guy’s guy and likes to do manly things. When he came home from Iraq it was very calming for him to go to a firing range and shoot his weapon. It wasn’t for any reason other than it was the routine he was used to and he needed time to adjust. Most women wouldn’t think it is very romantic to go to Wal-Mart and buy a box of rounds but that was what was important to my husband so that is what I would do. He might be a manly man but he also had to wipe a tear away a few times when I was able to correctly read his reaction to his day at work and tell him to go let off steam at the indoor range and enjoy the night out with our boys. Another thing he likes is ice cream. Let me tell ya, my honey loves ice cream! We purposefully don’t buy lots of ice cream at our house but he knows I was thinking about him if he comes home and sees some Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake Popsicles in the freezer. It really is just the little treats that make a huge difference.

We tell each other “I love you” often and we are affectionate towards each other. Our children in turn are very affectionate as well. We are just a bunch of touchy feely people and love giving hugs and kisses! What can I say except “It works for us.” Not everyone understands the power of touch. It can soothe a wounded soul and simple hugs or kisses on the cheek in our family make our days go better.  My boys will sit and hold my hand while cuddling up next to me watching a movie because they see me holding their dad’s hand at church or at the movies. My daughter loves to have her dad brush her hair because she has seen him sit and brush my hair since she was a baby. I can’t imagine our family without all this touchy feely stuff and I’m so glad I don’t have to!

One of the last things I want to mention is that my husband and I love to have coffee dates on Saturday mornings, or go for drives together. Occasionally, we will splurge and make it a breakfast date. Finances are tough. We are a military family, so they pretty much always have been. We have never had enough money to go out regularly for dinner dates and a movie. I always read articles and heard radio hosts saying, “You have to make time for yourselves,” but we just didn’t have the money to do that. We found that coffee is something we both like and is affordable for us. Not everyone likes getting up early on Saturday mornings but we don’t mind it and we love being the only folks in the shop/cafe. We always have our favorite seats and get to catch up on our week by chatting with minimal interruptions.

These little Saturday morning dates have been a mainstay of these last several years of marriage and we both look forward to it all week long. Our children are older. They can easily take care of themselves on Saturday morning for an hour or two if we aren’t back home when they get up. I realize if you have younger children you can’t do this every week, but maybe you could arrange with a friend to swap off once a month, or you could create a bistro area on a porch or in a corner within your home where you could have your own special moments. Another option is to serve breakfast in bed. That always goes over well!

The main thing to keep your marriage and romance alive is to just start somewhere and do something. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, as we all know some of the greatest gifts come in small packages. When we strive on a daily basis to do these little things, and to make our marriage a lasting legacy, then truly our husbands will say “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Proverbs 31:29

Sallie is an off-again, on-again homeschooling mom to her 4 children, ranging from elementary to high school. In her writings, she discusses the challenges of homeschooling a child with disabilities and offers insight to those who sometimes feel all alone in a round hole world. Please visit her at Seaside Tales.