Oh! Brother

Posted by Rhodema | 0 comments

“I can do it without your help!” I heard Ryan’s angry voice in the kitchen.

“Fine!” Stomping echoed down the hall before Katie’s bedroom door banged shut.

I’d like to tell you that my teens never argue or lose their tempers. But, I would be showing you only the sanitized version of our home. You would also miss out on one of the opportunities that God gave our young adult children to mature.

My youngest daughter and son seemed to argue more than the older girls in our home ever did. We had three girls first and then our only boy. As my son emerged into a young man he no longer remained content to be the baby brother, mothered by three older sisters.

I’ve never condoned yelling or slamming doors. I addressed these outbursts by talking to each of my teens privately rather than joining in the loud fray. I realized that the anger indicated a problem beneath the surface. My daughter needed a crash course on understanding men, in particular, her brother.

I recently studied For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn, in a women’s Bible study group. I gave Katie the companion book, For Young Women Only, by the same author.

The book addresses surprising and helpful truths about young men:

•   Guys need respect. In fact they need respect so much that most of the young men the author surveyed stated that they would prefer to feel unloved rather than inadequate or disrespected.

•   Guys are insecure. They appear more confident than they feel. They live with a fear of being found out; they are sensitive to ridicule.

•   Guys only look tough. They are easily wounded and strongly defensive.

•   Guys prefer to figure things out for themselves. They feel that having someone hover over them directing chores indicates a lack of confidence in their abilities.

•   Guys do not like to be nagged about tasks. Reminders question their adequacy to get the job done.

Guy-differences don’t start when the young man is grown or married. Often before a teen recognizes his growing need for respect, he has lashed out at those closest to him. Ryan grew from cute little guy to macho man overnight. I didn’t catch on to his emerging need for honor and building up and neither did his sister.

He resented the women in our house lingering around him as he handled responsibilities. Because we did not give him freedom to start and finish his tasks without reminders or continued instructions, he felt he was being treated like a child.

I recognized the pattern and my son’s frustrations. For the first ten years of my marriage, I nagged my husband. Through Bible study and God’s intervention I saw the harm it did in my relationship with my husband. I did not want these patterns to be set in my children’s lives to be carried forward into their marriages. My daughter needed to learn how men react to disrespect and my son did not need to build up walls and anger toward women.

Shaunti Feldhahn introduced the “respect meter.” She described the dynamic in our home–a guy who didn’t feel respected responded with a flood of anger.

Katie and I have had great talks about young men and their emotional needs. She has benefitted by getting along better with her brother and also understanding her guy friends. She has understood that girls can be a powerful influence in a young man’s life either to build up or  to tear down.

She learned to let Ryan handle his household jobs his own way. My daughter discovered she no longer had responsibility for her younger sibling. Katie determined to select her words more carefully realizing the effect they can have on his ego. The anger alarm no longer disturbed our peaceful home.

My husband began assigning my son his weekly chores written on a list. Ryan answered to his dad and they handled it man-to-man with much less input from me. They left Katie out of the chain of command completely.

At first our family conflict seemed a disaster but we chose to treat it as an opportunity. We all learned from the Builder of our home to practice the truth in love. “Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1). NIV

How has your family resolved teen conflict issues? Is there a book or scripture that has been particularly helpful? Share your story. I’m sure it will encourage us.

Rhodema Cargill lives the parenting adventure with Calvin, her college sweetheart. They have two adult daughters and two teenagers still at home, a girl and a boy. Their homeschool style is eclectic with a great love of living history books. Rhodema is a freelance writer and speaker. Visit with her on her blog: MommyLife.