Resolving Conflict in a Homeschool Group

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Conflict is very common in families, churches, and communities and it can arise in a homeschool group also. Disagreements may stem from a variety of sources including unmet expectations, differing goals and views, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings. Fortunately, conflicts can be resolved in several ways.

Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict points out that there are three ways to respond to conflict. Two of the methods, escape and attack, are inappropriate, leading to heartache and trouble. Escape involves denial or avoidance because some people prefer to avoid conflict rather than face it. They may believe conflict is wrong or dangerous. Conversely, attackers are more interested in winning than in restoring a relationship because they see conflict as a competition, a contest, or a control issue. Attacking is frequently used by strong, confident people. Only the third method of conflict resolution, peacemaking, is the proper way to settle disputes. Peacemaking – which includes Overlooking, Reconciliation, Mediation, Arbitration, and Accountability – is the resolution method commanded by God. The goal of peacemaking is to preserve relationships and find a mutually agreeable solution.

Overlooking an Offense
Mr. Sande points out that simply overlooking an offense is actually a healthy response to problems. Proverbs 19:11 says that “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense,” and confirms that quickly forgiving an offense is a wise move. Overlooking, which is a type of forgiveness, is a deliberate attempt not to dwell on an offense, talk about it, or grow bitter over it. You may ask yourself, “Is it really worth fighting over?” and decide it is not. Homeschool leaders should encourage members to overlook slight offensives as a proper method of handling disagreements.

Larger Offenses: Confession and Reconciliation
Some offenses are too large to be overlooked, perhaps because a relationship has been painfully damaged. In this case, confession and reconciliation between parties is needed. Reconciliation is gently restoring the relationship and it may involve confession on someone’s part. Each party needing reconciliation should ask herself,

• Have I said something unkind?
• Have I gossiped about the person or problem?
• Have I tried to control others?

Confession to the other party may be necessary in order to restore a relationship. Reconciliation is not merely confrontation; it is restoring a relationship. Remind members to ask for God’s wisdom and a gentle spirit before they approach the other party. Each party should aim to be clear and specific.

Merely complaining about another’s behavior rarely helps a situation. The goal is restoring a relationship, not blaming or accusing others. Members should use “I feel” statements such as “I feel like a scolded child,” to explain the hurt feelings a member may suffer.

Using creativity through stories to make your point can be very helpful. An excellent example of using stories comes from the Old Testament prophet Nathan in 2 Samuel, chapter 12. He had the unpleasant task of confronting King David with his sins of adultery and murder. Nathan wisely used a story of a poor man with only one lamb to help David see his own greed.

Bring in Help: Mediation
The next step, mediation, should only be used when Overlooking and Confession have been attempted and failed. Mediation occurs when an objective, outside person is invited into a conflict. The goal of the mediator is to facilitate better communication and to explore possible solutions. Matthew 18:15-16 provides guidance for mediation: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” In homeschool groups this could mean bringing the issue to the board or to an unbiased third party.

Last Resort: Arbitration and Accountability
Arbitration is another form of public peacemaking similar to mediation. In this case, however, the arbitrator acts like a judge making a decision that is binding upon both parties. If your conflict has not been resolved through mediation, I would recommend you read The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict before attempting arbitration. Contact Peacemaker Ministries (http://www.Peacemaker.net or http://www.HisPeace.org) which has volunteers who will act as arbitrators.

The final type of conflict resolution using peacemaking is Accountability which involves following the commands of Matthew 18:17: “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.” This method should only be used when a professing Christian refuses to be reconciled. In homeschool groups this could mean deferring the conflict to the member’s local pastor or church. Ultimately, the homeschool group may consider asking the offender to leave the group if the conflict cannot be resolved. It is sometimes better for one member to be asked to leave than for the entire group to suffer.

In conclusion, managing conflicts can be exhausting to a homeschool group leader. Encourage your members to settle disputes by Overlooking an offense and reconciling their differences. Use Mediation carefully as a final step to resolve conflicts. Read The Peacemaker by Ken Sande to understand how to deal with conflicts and to guide you through arbitration and accountability.

Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004)

Check out my article on page 10 of the funky flipbook edition of Heart of the Matter Magazine.

Carol L. Topp, CPA author of Homeschool Co-ops: How to Start Them, Run Them and Not Burn Out is a homeschooling mother and Certified Public Accountant who uses her accounting skills to help homeschool organizations. She has served as treasurer of her own homeschool co-op. She and her family live in Cincinnati, Ohio. Her website is www.HomeschoolCPA.com