Romance Amid Reality

Posted by Sheila | 0 comments

Every Valentine’s Day many of us are plagued with questions in the romance department. Will he send flowers? Will she say yes? My question is a bit different: why can’t he ever bang up his car?

I would feel significantly better about myself if just every now and then my husband would back into a tree, or rear end the car in front of him, or hit a fire hydrant. I’ve done all of those things (I’ve actually hit a fire hydrant twice), and I don’t see why I should be the only one.

The latest accident happened a few weeks ago when the roads were really icy. I was only going about 20 km/h when the truck ahead of me stopped. I had plenty of room, but I hit an icy patch and just couldn’t get the brakes to respond. My bumper hit his trailer hitch. Guess who won?

There weren’t any other scratches on either vehicle, and the other driver suggested I use duct tape to repair the baseball size hole I was now sporting. In retrospect, I can’t see anything I could have done differently. It was just one of those things. But here’s my dilemma. If it truly wasn’t my fault, then why aren’t all our accidents divided equally between the two of us? Why is it only ever me?

Of course, Keith did the proper husband thing and said, “all that matters is that no one was hurt.” And he treated me perfectly well all day long, which made me suspect that he was harbouring some horrid thought like “why can’t she just learn to drive?”. And for the next few days, no matter what he said to me, I snapped. He must be thinking I’m incompetent. And I must punish him for it.

The biggest barrier to romance, in my opinion, isn’t necessarily the failure to remember flowers on Valentine’s Day (though chocolate couldn’t hurt). It’s this tendency to build walls of suspicion between us because basically we’re all insecure. We know what we hate about ourselves, and one of our worst fears is that those we love will notice these flaws, too.

Men and women experience this differently. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, posits that men read guilt trips into everything. “Come to the table! Dinner’s ready!”, for instance, means “why couldn’t you get off that couch earlier and help me make it?”. Women, on the other hand, nurse this suspicion that deep inside our men may know we’re less than perfect.

So for all you women suspicious of your beloveds this Valentine’s Day, here’s a primer for you. When he says, “Wow, that’s quite a hole in the bumper,” take him at his word. He may not mean “It’s a wonder they ever gave you a license in the first place.” That may simply be the voice in your head working overtime. Likewise, if he says, “Wow, this place is a mess,” put down that frying pan. He may not be blaming you. He may just be commenting on the need to teach all residents of this house who are over the age of six to stop living like pigs.

Sometimes men need to read between the lines a little bit more to hear what she’s really saying. But sometimes we women need to stop reading between the lines and just read his lips. Kissing them is probably a good idea, too. As are chocolate truffles. So here’s hoping you have a lovely Valentine’s Day with a husband who loves you, who accepts your mistakes, and who remembers truffles. That would be romance indeed.

Sheila Wray Gregoire is a popular homeschool speaker and the author of four books, including To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother. If she’s not homeschooling her two daughters and her nephew, she’s probably knitting. Even in line at the grocery store. You can read her blog at tolovehonorandvacuum.blogspot.com, and find her at www.sheilawraygregoire.com.