*Please note I refer to all children as “he” in this article.
My stat counter tells me the Google searches that bring readers to my personal blog. By far the most searched topic is “only child.” I posted only once about my son being an only child, yet this post brings at least 2 dozen people a day to my blog. The Google searches range from “homeschooling an only child” to “will my only child be spoiled?” to “struggling with only child decision” to “Christian only child.” I never realized that there are so many women out there agonizing over whether or not it is appropriate to have an only child. Yes, as a matter of fact someone Googled “is it appropriate to have an only child?”
In the late 1800’s a man named G. Stanley Hall, who is known as the founder of child psychology, said being an only child is “a disease in itself.” What a horrible thing to say. It breaks my heart to hear that there are still people today who treat only children like they will grow up diseased. No child, and no family, is free of nuisances and shortcomings. But automatically labeling an only child as spoiled and unhealthy is unprincipled.
There are hundreds of research studies that prove that, in the greater scheme of life, single children are no different from children that have siblings. There are some stubborn, spoiled, and needy children in all families, large and small. Homeschooling the only child, however, is different. In many ways, it is easier. But in some ways, educating only one child is very difficult. It can be a double-edged sword.
In my opinion, one of the most important first steps a homeschooling mom of an only child must take is accepting that she will be judged no matter what. It is very unfortunate, but the mother of an only child, who homeschools, might just end up a double target for ridicule. She must learn to not take it personally and she must develop her own coping skills. Just last week at the grocery store, a cashier asked my son what grade he would be going into. He shrugged and said, “I don’t know, I am homeschooled.” The cashier then told my son, “I used to love starting school in the fall and meeting my new teacher. I am sorry you will have to miss that. At least you can be with your brothers and sisters at home all day.” My sweet little 6 year old looked at her with serious eyes and declared, “I don’t have any.” She then had the audacity to tell him, “You should really go to school then, you would have so much fun.” It stung me to the core, and I bit my tongue, refusing to let this person’s closed mindedness affect me.
A second very important step is to find a balance between being a playmate and a parent. Finding this balance is tricky. Parents of only children are sometimes tempted to give too much personal time and attention to their child in an attempt to make up for the lack of playmates. By giving my child around-the-clock attention, I run the risk of smothering him or maybe worse, turning him child into a co-dependant. People say that one of the benefits of being an only is that you don’t have to compete for your parents’ attention. However, this can be a double edged sword. Our children need to learn that while we will be there to nurture them and facilitate their learning, the world does not revolve around them. Don’t automatically rush to him when he wants your attention. This will cause him to become overindulged. It also equally tempting, as is the case with all children, to spoil your child with too many material possessions. Again, no parent wants an overindulged child. Resist the urge to buy your child toy after toy assuming these toys will keep him entertained.
More than toys, what your only child needs is projects. The key is to keep your child challenged. One way you can achieve this is to give him exciting short and long term projects, and teach him the skills of independent learning. This is when the homeschooling lifestyle really makes a difference because research shows that homeschooling parents are far more in tune with their child’s personality and interests. You should strive to provide your child projects or unit studies to hold his interest, spark his creativity, and encourage his passions. A bored child is a lonely child.
Please realize that your child is not going to end up a social misfit. With a devoted parent, children can and will learn social skills without siblings or classmates. You will have to learn to ignore the nay-sayers who are not only against homeschooling, but who try to make you feel like a less-than-adequate parent for having an only child. A child can learn how to share and take turns by playing with an adult just as easily as he can by playing with another child. A child can learn “socialization” through everyday family life.
Yes, that dreaded “S” word, but it is still important that a child has some playmates. Playdates and co-ops combat loneliness, but more importantly they show a child that God created everyone to be different. Healthy socialization allows children to interact with different cultures, ages, genders, races, and socioeconomic classes.
There are dozens upon dozens of places you can take your child. For starters, there are church youth programs, local park and recreation programs, scouts such as Boy/Girl Scouts or Campfire Scouts, homeschool co-op classes, library programs, 4-H clubs, local sports teams. You can organize field trips, game nights, and park days for your child. If you need help finding activities, let me know and I would be glad to help you! A potential best friend for your child could be right around the corner.
A point I would love to stress is…please don’t ever ask your child if he is lonely or bored. If he is lonely, you will be able to tell. He will be combative, lethargic, and whiney. Instead, ask him, “What would you like to do today?” If he says he’d like to play with friends, or another activity that specifically involves other kids his age, then you’ll know he is lonely and is in need of a special get-together with his friends. If he gives you another activity that does not involve other children, you will know he is simply bored.
Homeschooling is hard work, for large families and for parents of onlies. But it is so worth it, don’t you agree? Find a balance, but most importantly, savor these precious years with your child.
Amy is a devoted wife, Classical homeschooling mom to a six-year-old Superhero and the co-founder of Heart of the Matter. She has a passion for genealogy and is aspiring to be a Proverbs 31 lady. Be sure to visit her blog at Milk and Cookies.
Want to hear a confession? I hated science until I started homeschooling. High school science was boring and confusing. I was one of those girls who would choose a boy lab partner, bat my eyes at him, and make him do all the work. Luckily in college I never had to take science. Then I married a man with a “scientific mind.” I wonder if my most often said phrase during the first year of our marriage was, “I don’t know what that means, don’t use those big words.” Look at me now, writing a science column for Heart of the Matter!
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