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Ten ways for fathers to maintain their presence through physical separation
August 11, 2007 we got the phone call we were dreading. “This is BNSF crew management. You have been force assigned to Denver, Colorado…” My husband would be moving five hundred miles away for an unknown period of time while I stayed home alone with four children and all the responsibilities of running a household. “We are fortunate,” we told ourselves. Military families must make these sacrifices every day. We always knew that becoming a railroad family would bring with it a hectic schedule. In fact, flexibility was one of the original attractions homeschooling held for us because it allowed time to be with dad even when his home time did not coincide with traditional school hours.
The importance of fathers in the education of their children is well-documented. In a study published by the US Department of Education, for example, children living with both biological parents were far more likely to earn mostly A’s and far less likely to ever be suspended than their blended family or single parent family counterparts. Resting on an increasing body of research, the US Department of Health and Human Services published a handbook in 2006 for caseworkers to educate them in the importance of fathers to the family unit. For the most part, it tells Child Protective Service workers what most Christians have known for a long time: “Fathers have a powerful and positive impact upon the development and health of children.” After all, it was God who instructed fathers to bring their children up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
While we understand the importance of fathers in the lives of our children, practical applications can be elusive, particularly if the father is called away from the home for extended periods due to work, ministry or the military. Lack of physical presence, however, does not have to mean a lack of a fatherly presence. With a combination of old-fashioned letter writing and the advantages offered by modern technology, it is possible for fathers to remain connected to their families despite periodic separation.
Send letters and postcards.
Communication is perhaps one of the most important foundations for a relationship. While modern technology gives us a great advantage in the ability to stay connected even at a distance, there is something about writing and receiving letters that helps families feel closer. When my husband is on the road, he sends the children post cards which they carry about until they are too worn to decipher. My four year old ask me to read them until he has them memorized. Not only do the children have the words of their father, but they have something physical to hold and to remind them of their father’s presence. Email can be a good means of communication as well, but even my eight year old does not get nearly as excited over these digital messages as she does over letters in the mail.
Leave a message in a bottle.
Fill a bottle or other container with brief notes of encouragement and instruction for each child. Allow the children to read one each day their father is gone. Children can then write their own note back to dad to be collected in a special container. This can be read later when he returns, or even be taken with him on his next trip.
Take pictures. Lots of pictures.
Children love to see where their father works. Unfortunately, it is not always possible to make a field trip to daddy’s office to allow them to see for themselves, but pictures make it possible for them to get an idea of where their father is and how important they are to him. Digital cameras and cell phones make this especially easy. Do not forget the seemingly mundane: the desk where you write your letters, your stash of letters and drawings from the children as well as any interesting spot you know your children would want to explore if they were there. If you have an extra camera, allow the children to take pictures from their day. These can be sent in an email or saved until the father returns.
Cell phones and Skype.
Telephones allow anyone to “reach out and touch someone.” Cell phones can add to the convenience and make possible multiple, brief calls throughout the day. If both parents have access to the Internet, Skype is a free service allowing PC to PC communication with voice and even video. The first time my husband called the children via Skype, they were so excited to see him on the monitor that there was really no conversation. They just kept waving and shouting, “I see Daddy! Hi, Daddy!”
Play games.
Play is a powerful means of connecting with children, and there are a number of games that can be played together even from far away. Battleship is perfect and, since it is played on a grid as well, even chess can be played over the phone. With Internet access, the possibilities are almost endless, allowing families to play digital versions of some of their favorite games as well as try out some new ones. Invent games together as well. Children can be encouraged to go on a scavenger hunt for memories to share with their father when he returns.
Give presents.
While my husband was in Kansas City and later in Denver, he bought each of the children a souvenir which now ranks among their favorite possessions. These small tokens of affection do not need to be purchased, however. Interesting rocks, a fallen leaf or a rubbing from a plaque all demonstrate that you were thinking of your children and will likely become treasured additions to a collection. It is not about the monetary value of the gift and regularly splurging would likely spoil a child. Small tokens let a young child know they were thought of without letting the gift become the focus of the reunion.
Maintain discipline.
When the father is frequently away, home time is precious. It is easy to excuse misbehavior by thinking, “They are just excited,” or, “We have so little time. I don’t want to take it up with discipline issues.” This change in expectations between the time the father is home and the time he is away is stressful for children, however. In the long run, it will make home time less pleasant and more chaotic as children increasingly take advantage of lowered expectations. It is better to invest time early in discipline, even if it seems like the home time is “wasted” dealing with minor behavior problems. This will help the children transition more smoothly and make home time much more pleasant for everyone later.
Take advantage of home time.
Make sure to set aside time just for family without other distractions. Try to have some amount of time devoted to each child. This does not have to be extravagant. Once a month, my husband takes one child out for a special day. Normally, this just involves running errands together and maybe picking up lunch or a snack. Sometimes an entire day is not necessary or may even be too much for younger children. My four year old son is ecstatic when chosen to accompany his father on a quick trip to the hardware store. When asked to go along to pick up a gallon of milk from the local grocery story, my two year old asked, “Me? Just me?”
Do not forget about mom.
Parents make a number of sacrifices for their children. Unfortunately, it is common to even sacrifice each other. Time with the children can become such a priority that couples can forget how important their own time together is. The foundation of the Christian family is a right relationship with God and this is seen most practically by children in the relationship of their parents to one another.
Remain positive.
It is natural for children (and parents) to wish that the situation were different and that the father were able to spend more time at home. Help children to understand why the situation is the way it is. Fathers make tremendous sacrifices for Christ, for country and for their families by choosing professions which take them away from home. Let children know the good that is coming from these choices.
Sometimes, the hardest part is remembering that you are not alone. Our churches rightly put a strong emphasis on the importance of the father’s role in the home, but this can also leave families feeling like they are not doing enough when the father is called away frequently. While this situation might not necessarily be ideal, it can be overcome. I always think back to the example of John Adams, Founding Father and second President of the United States. When he and young Abigail married, they did not realize they would spend more time apart than together during their early years while John Adams was busy fathering a nation. Concerned that he was away during the formative years of young John Quincy Adams, he wrote many letters, emphasizing the importance of the time in which they lived and giving general direction as to the books his son should turn his attention to. Reading his letters reveals the devotion of a father committed to family, despite the greatness of events he is engaged in and the distance which separates them. They also reveal the developing character of his young son. At the age of ten, young Adams writes to his father,
Dear Sir
I Love to receive Letters very well much better than I love to write them, I make but a poor figure at Composition my head is much too fickle, my Thoughts are running after birds eggs play and trifles, till I get vexd with my Self, Mamma has a troublesome task to keep me Steady, and I own I am ashamed of myself….I wish sir you would give me Some instructions with regard to my time and advise me how to proportion my Studies and my Play, in writing and I will keep them by me and endeavour to follow them I am dear Sir with a present determination fo growing better yours,
John Quincy Adams
The exchange of letters which ensued certainly contributed no small influence in young John Quincy Adams to eventually follow in his father’s foot steps as the sixth President of the United States. His father’s presence was tangible, even from a great distance, because of the commitment his father made to remain involved despite inevitable periods of separation.
This article was originally published in Home School Enrichment.
One of the most important ways a wife can support her husband is through prayer. You can pray for his walk with God, his professional life, his relationship with his children, his protection and much much more. All of the gifts that we have offered this past week have been masculine-themed, however this one is for you, the devoted wife, and we believe it will benefit him more than all the other gifts combined. For there is nothing stronger than the power of prayer. Stormie O'Martian says,
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