Heart of the Matter

Don’t Be Afraid to . . . STOP!

Psychologists and Psychiatrists alike have spent years telling us that it is mentally and emotionally healthy, and very freeing to be honest with ourselves about who we are – who we really are on the inside. Putting forth a ‘fake’ personality for the world to see is not only dishonest, but can cause internal stress and pressure of the worst kind. And so, with that in mind, in the interest of good mental health, and honesty, I’ll just be honest and ‘spill it’!

There. I’ve said it. I know, I know, it’s shocking. The kids are so good looking, and they have lots of friends, and they’re awesome musicians, and they have cool hair and they hardly ever trip over their own feet or put tape on their glasses. But, it’s true. If you walk through our home, you won’t move two feet without stepping on some form of Rubik’s Cube (all varieties included: 2×2, 3×3, 4×4, 5×5, spherical, triangular, some with only shades of gray for color – all of which are solved daily – and timed). If you make it past that, you’ll probably trip over my husband’s crossword books (NY Times, of course) or his logic puzzles. Anyone brave enough to keep going will most likely stumble onto the collection of ‘twisted metal’ puzzles – I think there are 10,358 of them in the house. And, on a good day, you’ll find the family standing around a computer working on virtual crossword puzzles and mocking those of us who suggest hitting the “get a hint” button. (Ahem. I should add that I am not a gifted geek. It seems that I only marry them or give birth to them. No, I’m fine. Really)

Yes, anyone who has children, or who reads about children, or who has ever met any children knows that they are curious. It’s no secret that kids love puzzles, they love mysteries, they love to be challenged and then win! They love to solve Rubik’s Cubes and beat their last best time. And then, they run to look for the next challenge, and puzzle and slice of excitement that lies waiting around the corner. What they hate is to be challenged, and then lose. What they find distasteful and disheartening is to continually be faced with challenges that they don’t feel equipped to deal with or solve. And far too often, ‘learning to read’ finds its way into that category. Sometimes, very early on in a child’s education process, ‘learning to read’ becomes a huge, confusing “puzzle” that seems impossible to tackle.

“What’s the big problem in reading? The first problem is that in English there are 26 letters in the alphabet and there are 43 sounds in our spoken language. Now it doesn’t require a rocket scientist to see that some of the letters will have to represent more than one sound.” (Frank Armbruster)

And so our troubles begin. Wouldn’t it be great if for every sound in our spoken language there was only one letter to represent that sound? There would be no having to decide if the “s” sound in a particular word was made by an “s” or a “c”. No trying to determine if the final “k” sound at the end of a word was made by a “c” or a “k”. And don’t even get me started on all the variations of vowel sounds! Yes, it would be nice. One sound – one letter. That works for me. However it isn’t reality. The English language has 26 letters combining to form 43 sounds using rules that often change from word to word. Sometimes the “aw” sound in words is spelled with “aw” as in the word “crawl”, while at other times the “aw” sound is spelled with an “au” as in the word “pause”. The long “a” sound (as in “may”) can be spelled with “a”, “ay”, “ae”, “ai” and “eigh”. The letter “y” can make a consonant AND two vowel sounds. What about the words “boy” and “boil”? Same sound – two different spellings. (Makes you want to take it easy on that 1st grader doesn’t it?)

Another issue that seems to throw even more confusion in the mix, is that some children appear to learn to read with practically no effort at all while others remain somewhat clueless concerning the whole process. When considering beginning readers, we’re forced to acknowledge the fact that not every 5-6 year old is cognitively ready to learn to read at the same time. Also, while some are actually academically “ready” to begin the process, they simply can’t seem to sit still for long enough. (Mom, remember you need BIG doses of mercy and small doses of school with boys in the early grades.)

The reason I make a point to mention all of the previous stumbling blocks to reading success is that they are very common. Many, many young 5 year olds find themselves trapped in a kindergarten book while possessing a 4 year old toddler brain. A majority of kindergarteners and first graders experience brief times of absolute confusion when faced with recognizing the difference between the letters “b” and “d” and even “p” and “q”. Also, a whole host of kids in this age group can be quite sensitive to sugars and food additives that give them excess energy thus preventing genuine concentration or focus.

Sometimes, after weeks or months of struggle and effort on the part of student and parent, frustrations will rise. Mom is frustrated because all of her energies seem to be for naught. Offspring is frustrated because . . . “Reading is too hard.” All of your best laid plans seem to be crumbling at your feet. You’re having recurrent dreams of flagging down the public school bus in the morning and promising the driver cookies if she’ll just take your kid to school – any school.

It is time to give yourself permission to STOP. Stop the lessons, stop the drills, stop the reading, stop the expectations, stop the clock . . . STOP. Take a step back and breathe. Encourage Junior to breathe. Close the books and put them out of sight. Maybe for a week or more. Take whatever time you need to carefully take a long hard look at the situation.

After doing this with one of my own children years ago, I was forced to realize that she simply was not going to be able to continue on in the first grade math book we were using at the time. (It would be two years before I would discover the real “issue” she was having) But, issues aside, she simply was not able to function – at that time – at her “expected” level. Period. All of the tea in China in addition to all of my best efforts, accompanied by every single ‘song and dance’ (educationally speaking) I could come up with would not change that fact. So, we stopped. As offensive as the old saying may be, it is true – ‘It’s like beating a dead horse!’ (Not sure why you’d want to do that, but . . . ) It only produces frustration. Nothing else.

During your “STOP” time, simply begin to pray for direction, and start looking for ideas. Entertain the fact that Junior may just need some time to mature. Children who are allowed to wait and start academics when they are truly prepared and mature will be far stronger students in the long run.

And just so ya know, this kind of thing happens in every type of school environment – not just in home schools. I encountered this same situation years ago while teaching in a public school. I inherited a resource class of about 16 students. (All boys except for two – all started school too early when they were not ready for academics – all struggling to read at anywhere NEAR grade level) As a resource teacher, my job was to help them ‘catch up’ as all of them were struggling significantly below grade level in all subject areas. After two or three months of the “usual” methods, I realized we were still making no measurable progress. So . . . we STOPPED!

We put away all of the work they were trying to catch up on, we put away all of the ‘below level readers’ they were still struggling in, we stopped the insanity. I began to test them intensely (yet very informally – ’cause I’m sneaky that way). What I discovered was amazing. In a class of 16 children, only one child truly exhibited any signs of “learning problems” though they were all categorized as “learning disabled.” The problem? None of them – not one, knew all of the letters of the alphabet or all of the sounds the letters made. None of them knew short vowel sounds – to them – every “A” said its long sound. Every “E” said its long sound. No one knew short vowel sounds. Also, each of them had a list of consonants for which they did not know the corresponding sound. Try reading even a second grade book with those kinds of learning gaps! And these children were in the 5th and 6th grades! Of course they appeared to have learning problems!

These kind of problems arise sometimes when children are required to sit in academic settings for which they are not ready. Though the teacher and methods they may have been presented with in kindergarten/first grade might have been excellent, the children were not ready. Because of this, they acquired enough skill to move to the next grade, but not enough skill to become proficient. And the problems stack even higher the following year. Fast forward to 5th/6th grade, and they find themselves in special education classes and resource rooms trying desperately to catch up on mountains of grade level work, yet they can scarcely read.

My public school story has a great ending, though.

After my discovery, we began a campaign to teach these 11,12 and 13 year olds how to read. We started with recognizing the alphabet and ALL of its sounds!! This time, they were ready. Six months later, all but one student tested 3 grade levels higher in reading. TA DA!!!

At this point, anyone can see that there is no magic involved here – only common sense. As a mother/teacher you have all of the “magic” needed to solve most of your brood’s academic situations. Not only do you have the detailed, intimate knowledge of each of your student’s strengths and weaknesses, you have the authority to ‘STOP’ when necessary. You have the freedom to take a breather and assess the direction of your school. You possess internal radar that tells you when a child is reaching levels of frustration that need to be tended to. As parents, you have the responsibility to teach as well as the responsibility not to teach when the situation requires it. It could be the smartest “STOP” you ever make.

Darnelle is a wife and a mother to 5 children: 4 home schoolers who are currently in 3rd, 7th, 9th, and 11th grades and one who has graduated from home school and is a college sophomore. All 5 children have been home schooled from preschool. She has many years of teaching experience in public, private, parochial, and special schools, but her favorite . . . is home school! Her certification is in the areas of special education and remediation. In her column, “Fill in the Blanks”, Darnelle aims to assist parents in finding and then correcting the trouble spots that often cause academic problems and struggles. Children (and their parents) who are freed from the heavy burden of academic struggles can begin to love learning again – just like God intended! Visit her blog, All Things Work Together.