When Friends Stop Homeschooling

June 7, 2008 by Lee

This is the time of year when people think about their plans for fall. It feels wonderful to see the END of each school year, and look forward to the beginning of the next year. Unfortunately, though, this is also the time of year when some friends announce that they will stop homeschooling for one reason or another. I remember some years when I was really shocked at the people who stopped. Long time friends, committed homeschoolers. The hard truth is that some of your long-time homeschool friends may decide to put their kids into a traditional school setting. Too often this happens because parents are afraid to homeschool middle school and high school.

Ouch! When this happens, it can really hurt – and throw you off balance. So what should you do when friends stop homeschooling?

Know your child and trust yourself

The best advice I ever received was given to me by my midwife, shortly after the birth of my first child. “Know your child and trust yourself,” she said. It still holds true, even when your baby grows up. Only YOU know what your child needs – you know your child better than anyone, and only you can decide the right course of action. Notice that this only applies to your own child, not your friend’s child. Oh, phooey! It would be nice to have all the answers for everyone, but that just isn’t possible. The good news, though, is that we do have the answer to our OWN situation, and the answer comes through knowing (and loving) our own child. Notice that my midwife didn’t say it would be easy. It’s hard; parenting is always hard. Even parenting an “easy” child is hard! But through knowing your own child, you can make the best decision for your child, and then you can trust the decision that you make.

Don’t follow the crowd

Don’t let what other people do affect your behavior. You know what’s right for your child, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with other people. If you like homeschooling, keep with it. Having a friend change their plans shouldn’t change your homeschool. If you remember that your decision is based on your knowledge of your child, then someone else’s decision will have less of an impact. You and your children can continue to be friends with them. This is just a small change, in the scheme of things. Small changes happen all the time and we adjust. This is just one of those changes.

Use what works

Is homeschooling working for you? I’m not asking if it’s perfect, because no school will ever be perfect. I’m only asking if it’s working. Are your kids progressing through subjects, learning things, doing things? Don’t ask yourself if something else MIGHT work better, because you don’t know for sure if the grass is really greener somewhere else. You only know your own homeschool. Is it working? If it’s working, don’t stop!

The known and the unknown

You don’t know if a traditional school situation will help your kids. When Kevin was in a 4th grade “Gifted” program in public school, he didn’t stay on track, didn’t finish his textbooks in the year, and goofed off much of the day. Other kids didn’t turn in their homework or finish the reading. Yet nobody cared! Even if you change schools, that “staying on track” situation may not change at all. Moms are often their own worst enemy. Don’t beat yourself up, just look for the best solution for your family.

Kids on the conveyor belt

Do you remember the “I Love Lucy” episode with the candy conveyor belt? (Here is the link.) That’s what traditional classrooms are like! When kids get behind, they will do whatever it takes to catch up – and sometimes “whatever it takes” means not learning the content! In school, kids are on a conveyor belt, and they move at a certain speed regardless of how quickly they are learning. Is that what you think “staying on track” means? Our mission as homeschoolers is NOT to have our kids stay on track! Our mission is to teach them at a speed that is right for them – always challenging but never overwhelming. Keeping kids on track isn’t necessarily a good thing.

Keeping parents on track

Keeping parents on track is usually a better tactic. Prioritizing your homeschool, keeping lists or checklists, and developing schedules can help. My children were able to follow my instruction as long as it was typed out. For whatever reason, my oral instructions always seemed to be open for debate. When I gave my kids written instructions, it somehow seemed to be more “official” and they usually accomplished it without complaining. If you have trouble keeping yourself on track, consider getting a curriculum with a teachers guide or schedule. Sonlight Curriculum is what I used when I first started homeschooling. The schedule helped kept me on task.

If Sonlight doesn’t meet your needs, make up your own schedule. I used “Managers of Their Homes” by Teri Maxwell.

Her strategies taught me to prioritize education above most of the other things that fill our lives. School first and “stuff” second. I began to recognize that homeschooling was my vocation and chosen career, not just one more household task.

I believe fear is the most significant factor in the decision to put children back in a traditional school setting, especially as high school approaches. Will I be able to teach high school subjects? Will I jeopardize my children’s future? What if there is a crisis at home and I can’t teach? My job is to encourage parents, and to explain high school.

I hope talking about homeschooling high school will make it seem ordinary, so that by the time you face high school, the fear is gone. You will be able to make decisions based on what is best for your child, instead of basing your decision on fear. Next month I have an article discussing the “What if?” fears and what you can do to overcome them.

Lee Binz is a veteran homeschooling mom of two and the owner of The HomeScholar, “Helping parents homeschool through high school”. You can sign up for her free email newsletter The HomeScholar Record and get your daily dose of wisdom via e-mail from The HomeScholar Blog.

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Tags: Encouragement, Home Management, homeschool, homeschool life, Homeschool Methods

Rigor, Relevance, and Relationships

May 7, 2008 by Lee

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In our local newspaper recently, guest columnist Dave Quall wrote:

“For the past decade the mantra of the best and brightest school reformers has been “rigor, relevance, and relationships.” These three Rs are the pillars of successful schools and rising student achievement across all demographic fault lines — income, race and culture.”

He further goes on to explain “rigor, relevance, and relationships.” I would like to expand on these ideas a bit further, and show how homeschooling through high school gives you the advantage in these areas.

Quall writes that “Rigor refers to the need for students to reach high levels of competence in academic subjects, including a second language.” He says that we need to keep academics in mind, but not let it become a total focus. I agree, to a point. Education is fundamentally about learning, after all. Homeschoolers have the advantage, because they can ensure that their students truly get a quality education and won’t get lost in the system. With the great student-teacher ratio, the important elements of education will be learned. In homeschool, students don’t get passed along to the next grade level just to stay with their age-mates. Instead they can truly learn each topic along the way. Academic rigor really is important for all students, and when you are homeschooling you can truly ensure that subjects are understood. For more help choosing rigorous high school classes for homeschoolers, see my earlier Heart of the Matter article.

“Relevance is making learning meaningful. To truly engage students, good teachers connect what kids learn to what they already know from their own cultures and life experiences.” Now really, how can a public or private school teacher expect to do that in a classroom with 25-30 students? In many cases, they simply can’t know what is going on in a child’s life. That’s why homeschoolers have the advantage. We really KNOW our child. We can make sure that we are always teaching at their level all the time, in every subject. We can match the student’s learning style with our own teaching style. We can use what works or quickly change to other curriculum, because we have complete authority over all aspects of instruction. Without any bureaucracy, we have the optimum ability to make changes to suit the needs of our students.

“Relationships refer to every kid’s need for mentoring and encouragement by adults, and safe and healthy friendships with their peers.” This is my favorite comment that Dave Quall makes. You see, my kids were in public school for years. During our last year in public school, their teacher-mentor was “educating” my son that lying, stealing, or assaulting others is “OK when necessary” (this during a unit study on The Oregon Trail.) During public school, socialization with peers included one student who threw a metal pipe at my son’s head and shared explicit materials with his first grade classmates. Homeschoolers have the advantage in relationships and socialization. We can make sure that adults and others will model our moral code and value system. We can ensure that friendships truly are healthy and safe. We can dramatically reduce the negative peer pressure, teasing, tormenting, and chronic negative feedback from peers that lead to low self-esteem.

I agree that schools should keep rigor, relevance and relationships in balance. I also believe that homeschooling is the best way to achieve that balance. Homeschooling through high school will give your children the education, confidence, and social skills they need to thrive in the adult world.

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Tags: Encouragement, homeschool, homeschool life, learning styles, Parenting

Raising Boys vs. Raising Men

April 8, 2008 by Lee

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Raising Boys vs. Raising Men

There is a difference raising boys and raising men. Strategies that worked perfectly well for your young boys need a bit of tweaking as they enter adolescence. Your goal is to grow your boys into men, not just into “older boys.”

Our church has been running a series called “Love and Respect” based on the book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. The book and the class are aimed at husbands and wives, but the lessons it teaches are equally applicable (if not somewhat less obvious) to raising sons and daughters. I have zero experience raising daughters, so you’ll have to learn about that on your own. I do have some experience with sons, however, and I thought I’d share some of those lessons with you while your boys are still boys.

Lee and I didn’t fully appreciate these lessons until after our boys were grown. The book and class are teaching us things we both either new instinctively or that became so obvious that we had to deal with them “on the fly.” The biggest ah-ha was that something profound happens in boys in the early teen years – beyond the hormones. This is about the time when boys begin to stretch and break free of their childish ways.

We call it a number of things: stretching their wings, pushing the boundaries, even “rebelling.” None of these expressions do justice to what is actually transpiring, however. The problem with these phrases is they focus on how parents feel in watching this transition. What they don’t capture is what is happening inside the mind the young man himself. Looking from the perspective of a teenage boy (Caution: Do not attempt this without donning a Haz-Mat suit) the world is changing. Their whole life to this point has largely been focused on mom and dad. At 13, they still deeply love and need their mom, but something odd and unexpected happens in their relationship with dad. Whereas, dad had been a towering figure of majestic strength who demanded unflagging respect, now they look at him and, for the first time think: “Hmm…He’s not so tough….”

And so the battle is joined. There is a period, when boys are between 13 and 17, where a family’s entire dynamic appears not unlike a pack of Artic wolves. The opportunities for dominance and submission between and father and his sons often seem limitless. In our family, everything became “challenge and competition.” Not just on the basketball court but also in areas not normally associated with Extreme Sports: going to the supermarket, a weekend camping trip, taking the garbage out. Boys will become positively Darwinian when faced with the prospect of doing their normal chores. “If I do this without a fight, HE will win and I will die…” seems to be the thought running through their heads.

As you can imagine, this puts boys in a very awkward position. Yes, Dad holds the keys to life and death, but also to the refrigerator and (later) to the car. They must develop a strategy to beat their fathers into submission while also remaining endearing enough to stay under their care. Now none of this, mind you, is conscious. How could it be when nearly all logical thought has been drowned in testosterone? No, this is more primitive, primeval really.

So how does a dad react to feeling like he’s been run over repeatedly by a small, but very tenacious Tonka Toy? Hopefully, not the way I did…at least at first.

My first strategy was to confront these little usurpers head on. I brought the holy mountain of fatherly righteousness squarely down on their shoulders. I threatened, I shamed, I punished…. (In weaker moments I also begged, whined and sniveled.) In general, I played their game. I eventually learned what was really going on. I’d like to say I reflected on the situation and logically concluded that we were experiencing a family power struggle and I then methodically laid out a plan to turn it into a positive learning opportunity. In reality, Lee hit me upside the head and pointed out that I was behaving quite like an idiot. Of course, in deference to Mr. Eggerichs, she did this with the utmost respect….

Men learn from Hollywood that all dads are idiots. The good news is you don’t have to stay that way. Here are a few strategies I used to turn what had been a Mixed Martial Arts Extreme Cage Death Match into what is now a warm and loving relationship with my grown sons.

Figure out what your sons do well

Come on. It’s not that hard. Start by thinking about the activities where your sons are currently able to beat you. For my eldest, it was chess. For my youngest, it was debating political issues. The good news is that the number of activities in this category may start small, but by the time your son is 17, it will pretty much encompass everything you do while awake.

Show your young men respect regarding their passions

This will require you suck up your pride. I’m mean, if they are good at something, even something in which you previously consider yourself to be “The Man,” go ahead and say it. The admiration of their father is something sons have sought since the Prodigal Son’s older brother first said “Hey! What about MY fatted calf?”

Engage them as adults

Your teenage sons are capable of complex intellectual thoughts (when not in front of the Xbox.) Talk to them. Ask them what they think. See how they would handle adult situations. Do this without using the moment to bludgeon them with a “fatherly lesson on the ways of the world.” You might actually learn something.

Ask for their advice

There is nothing that communicates the message that he is growing up quite as powerfully as when a dad asks his son, “What would you do if you were me?” For some bonus daddy points, make sure you occasionally take the advice and let him know how it worked.

Work side by side with them

Boys (and men) will open up more when working cooperatively with their fathers. Hours could pass in silence while working on a project when, at a moment it is least expected, the boy might utter: “Dad, I have a problem I need some help with.” Believe me, when it happens, it’s worth the wait!

These are just a few of the things that dads can do to gracefully ease their sons into adulthood. Having lived through the not-so-Wonder Years and emerged with a sound relationship with my boys, I am here to offer you hope that it can turn out well. You and I both know you are still “The Man,” even if your sons currently think you’re really a wimp.

Matt
Mr. HomeScholar

Lee Binz (wife of Matt) is a veteran homeschool mother of two and the founder of The HomeScholar. Her goal is “Helping parents homeschool through high school.” You can sign up for her free email newsletter, The HomeScholar Record and get your daily dose of wisdom via e-mail from her blog, The HomeScholar Helper.

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Tags: Encouragement, Family Life, Parenting

Happy Birthday Lee

February 24, 2008 by The Amies

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We would like to wish our wonderful Lee a very blessed birthday. Please stop by her blog at The HomeScholar and leave her a birthday comment.

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How Did That Happen?

January 8, 2008 by Lee

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How Did That Happen?

Two summers ago my two sons graduated from homeschool high school. This fall they both started college. Both of my students were awarded full tuition scholarships to their first choice university. I find myself wondering, “How did that happen?” I believe we received scholarships because of four advantages: curriculum, SAT preparation, documentation, and character. These advantages are available to all families that homeschool through high school.

Many homeschoolers have a very rigorous academic plan. It doesn’t matter if they choose to unschool, or if they follow a classical education model. Homeschoolers will succeed when they learn on purpose. They will succeed when they do the “next thing” – when they keep moving forward in their homeschool journey. They can invest their money and their time in their weaker areas, as well as their areas of strength. Homeschoolers have the advantage with curriculum. We can make sure ours is tailor made to suit our students. We can make sure they are always challenged, but that they completely understand concepts before moving on. We can provide broad exposure to a variety of subjects.

My sons had great SAT scores because we studied for the SAT test. I read that increased test scores meant increased scholarship money, so we studied two or three times a week. Each time we would do one section from the “10 Real SAT’s” book. It’s not a waste of time to study for the SAT. Students learn vocabulary, get a great math review, and learn essay writing skills. Halfway into his first quarter of college, my son said “I’m so glad you taught me how to write a quick essay! It really helped me on my midterm today!” Again with test scores, homeschoolers have the advantage. We can use SAT prep as part of our homeschool curriculum, and study it during school hours.

When we applied for admission, I gave the colleges a lot of information. Many homeschoolers prefer to keep their educational information private. It’s okay for colleges to ask us for our information because it’s an exchange. We give them information about our homeschool, and they give us admission and possibly scholarships. The minimum information they need is a transcript. I chose to provide more information than the minimum, and it really helped. For everything on our transcript, I wrote a course description, listed the books we used, and documented how I graded the class. Homeschoolers have the advantage regarding educational information. We control our homeschool records and we can determine exactly how much information we provide to colleges. Check out this site to see samples of what we submitted to colleges that helped us win the full tuition scholarships.

Character is the fourth reason I believe we were given great scholarships. My sons were chosen to participate in the scholarship competition at Seattle Pacific University. I’m sure they were invited to compete because of their transcript and their SAT scores, but that’s not why they won. The competition had over 100 students who all had great transcripts and SAT scores, but only 10 were winners. I was nervous about them competing in something so intense, but the kids had fun. When the boys came home that day, they both said, “I don’t know if I won, but I had a great time! All the kids were so nice!” Later I was told that the evaluators were looking for character. The students were observed when they walked between events. Were they friendly and kind to others? How did they interact with their peers? When character and socialization are evaluated, homeschoolers have the advantage. We can mold and shape the character of our children while they are at home with us, instead of allowing them to be conformed to their peers.