Whenever we go out and someone asks my children where they go to school, or what grade they are in, I mentally cover my head, and wait for the “bomb to drop“! For some reason, when it comes to the subject of homeschooling, people feel they have the freedom to tell you what they think you should do, and what your children need… even if they are total strangers! If you have been homeschooling for any amount of time, you have more than likely faced some type of criticism or questioning. It seems to just come with the territory. Over the years, I have had more comments, questions, and criticism than I can count regarding our choice to home school. Family members, acquaintances, and even people I don’t know. I’m not sure that I’ll ever get to the point where this doesn’t bother me, but I guess I just have gotten used to it.

I’ve had questions like:

“Do your children have FRIENDS?”
“What about socialization?”
“How do you teach them every subject? Do you know everything?”
“How do you have the patience for that? I could NEVER do it!”
“Well, don’t your kids need to get out SOMETIME?
“What if your kids want to play sports?”
“Aren’t we called to be “salt and light”?

SO WHAT ABOUT SOCIALIZATION????

So, what about socialization? What about all the other questions that people ask us? How can we face these issues that could be potential obstacles in our children’s lives?

I would like to offer some thoughts…although certainly not the “final word”…on some of the more common “arguments” that people have confronted me with concerning homeschooling.
~”Do your children have FRIENDS?”
~”Well, don’t your kids need to get out SOME TIME?!

I have to be honest. There have been times when I have been asked these questions, and there is something within me that wants to blurt out something like, “No. We don’t believe in having friends. We lock our children in a rubber room and shut all the curtains!” …but that wouldn’t be a very godly response! I am happy to report that I have never answered that way! But, it does seem a little bit like a “no brainer” that there ARE other ways to make friends other than in school!

I grew up attending the public school system in my home town. That did not guarantee that I had a lot of friends! I was a Christian, and I didn’t party or do much of what most of the kids in school did in their spare time. As much as I tried to be friendly, and be a testimony in school, most of my friends…I mean my ‘companions’…were kids I met at church, or church-type organizations. I just didn’t have much in common with the kids at school. Even though you may home school, your children CAN still have friends, and good ones at that.

I think that friendships are important for our children in many ways, as long as they are kept in the right balance. It gives them opportunity to learn how to interact with others, work through conflicts, and to be an example (socialization!). Being involved with other children can help them learn how to relate to others who are different than they are.

Even though developing friendships can be a good thing for our children, when not done carefully and prayerfully (and with OUR guidance), they can turn into something that is very dishonoring to God. I recently spoke with a mother who had a teenage daughter. She was sharing that her daughter ignores her family and is completely consumed with her friends. She saw it as “normal teen behaviour“! I’ve seen that happen in a few families. It saddens me to see teens that are consumed with their friends to the point of being glued to the cell phone, computer, and always having to go somewhere. As I have observed this over the years, it has caused me to pray about how to avoid this with our children. It may be considered “normal teen behaviour“, but I think it would be better labeled “self centered, sinful, teen behaviour“!

As home schoolers, we may have to make an extra effort to make sure our children have time with their friends. It requires more from us, but it is worth it. We need to be willing to drive them to the special events that are offered, even if it means that we give up some of our own time.

I have learned, from observing and listening to the wise counsel of my pastor’s wife, that my door should always be open to my children’s friends. I need to make our home the “happening place“!! I try to have a brownie mix, hot chocolate, or something like that in the house all the time. If my children have friends over for a meal, I often will ask the friend what their favorite meal is, and I’ll make it for them. My daughter had her friend Kristy over, and her favorite breakfast was blueberry muffins. I made blueberry muffins, and renamed them “Kristy muffins”! She loved it. The whole time she was here, we told her we were having a “Kristy party’!

I want my children’s friends to know they are always welcome, and when they come, I make it a party! Not only does it give our children times with their friends, it helps to nurture MY relationship with my children. We need to invest a huge amount of ourselves in nurturing a relationship with our own children, and encouraging them so that they WANT to be home. As important as outside friendships may be for our children, I think that it is more important for them to have a good relationship with us.

It is our job to pursue them.

Be there. Go to every sporting event they are involved in. Go to their concerts. Be a volunteer coach of their team. Always be the involved parent. One of the potential benefits of homeschooling is the amount of time we have with our children to nurture a relationship, take the time to do that! Take breaks and make them a snack. Take the time to talk with them. Take them on dates.

Show interest in their interests. We can create a bond with our children, so that there is more of a balance when it comes to them wanting to spend time with their friends, but we have to work to make that happen. PURSUE YOUR KIDS! You are the best friend they could ever have! Then…PURSUE THEIR FRIENDS! Let their friends know you love them and they are always welcome. It is worth the time, and effort…and even a few late nights of watching movies until 1:30!

I believe that our children can enjoy friendships, and we can teach our children the importance of not “dumping” their family and becoming consumed with friends. We need to do both! When we see that happening in others lives, we can point it out to them and explain that is not the right way. We can be talking about all of these things with our children as we live with them through out the day. It will pay off in the end if we invest the time to talk with them, pursue them, and build our relationship with them and with their friends. This is my goal, and what I am praying for in our family.

~”What about socialization?”
so·cial·i·za·tion . “The process of learning interpersonal and interactional skills that are in conformity with the values of one’s society.”

As I look around our society there is no doubt in my mind that my goal is NOT to have my children conform to the values of their society, or learn to communicate with others in the way that we see as the norm now days! If you observe most children in the grocery store or teens in any group, you will not find many who hold a standard to look up to! And yet it seems that we are regularly asked the question about socialization. If our children don’t “fit in” with what is out there, they are seen as “weird” or “not socialized”.

The Word of God should be the standard held up as to how our children should interact with others, not our society. Yes, they will be different, but that is what we are called to be. Having said all of that, it is important that they learn basic manners and communication skills and that they be given opportunities to use what they are learning in different environments, as God provides activities for them. We can’t keep them in the house and expect that they will be able to practice what we teach them, or learn to stand up against the pressures that are out there. I love what my friend Lori shared with me recently-

“Home schooling allows me to monitor socialization better than if they
were absent from me for those 8 hours a day. My goal is not to ‘shelter’ them
forever, just PREPARE their hearts for that REAL secular world that they are not
prepared maturity wise yet….I hope that monitoring socialization will
HELP them learn what is good and true, teaching them values that my husband and I hold HIGH, not what other kids their age have been led to believe….peer
pressure will exist throughout their lives and its our hope to prepare them to handle those situations….and focus on God, education and not the latest trend…..mine were in school for a time…socialization without control is NOT all its cracked up to be!”

Finally, as homeschool parents we spend a lot of time building up and encouraging our children. That is a good thing. We spend every day with them, and in many cases that can be helpful in teaching children how to interact with adults very well. That is a good thing as well. But there is something I have observed over the years in many homeschooled children. Sometimes homeschoolers can come across as very self confident and prideful. I have interacted with multiple homeschooled young people who related to me like I was their peer, rather than an older person. I have also seen them interact with their parents in the same way. It is important that we remember to teach our children to relate to us and other adults in a respectful manner . Many homeschool organizations refer to their students, and home school families, as “the cream of the crop” or other terminologies that can cause us to be tempted towards pride in what we are doing and that can be passed down to our children. That does not glorify God, and that is not our calling.

My prayer is that I would live out humility before my children, teach them what God’s Word says about what they really are in their heart of hearts, and teach them to interact with adults…and others…with respect and humility…

…and that we would seek out “socialization” to the glory of God!

Join me next month for the second article in the series “WHAT ABOUT SOCIALIZATION? AND OTHER QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK ABOUT HOMESCHOOLING!” entitled “THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE. I’M GONNA LET IT SHINE…What About Being ‘salt and light’?”