Family | Heart of the Matter

August 31, 2010 By Melissa 4 Comments

It had hung next to my kitchen sink for more than 15 years; happy and green in a weathered terracotta planter. I had never done anything special to it, but my shamrock flourished in the same planter in four different homes in two states. I’d added new soil on a couple of occasions, but other than that it received no special treatment.

This spring, for some reason, it started to look unhealthy. I probably was watering it a little less than usual. The leaves were brown and wilted, and it looked like it might not survive. How, after 15 years of so much change, could it all of a sudden be ready to die? I figured maybe it was time to add new soil, but I was too busy to tend to it.

I had been too busy to tend to much of anything. I had been doing so much outside my home that I was too burnt out to serve inside my home. I wasn’t leaving home in my busyness, but my time and attention were pointed elsewhere.

One day it struck me–many days, I had spent more time on a particular volunteer project than I had spent with my family or the Lord.

And not only that, but I was stressed out the majority of time, creating hardship for everyone who lived with me. That’s not what God intended. That’s not ministry. That’s called serving in my own strength. It seems blasphemous, I know, but it’s so easy to do.

I didn’t start out with intentions to venture off the path the Lord had marked for me, nor did I even realize I was doing it, but there were legitimate needs I saw that had to be filled. Or things came up along the way that cried out for help. It often benefited my family in some indirect way and it was easy to justify because of this.

Those were all the things I told myself that made it OK to move my family’s needs to the backburner while I served the greater common good. It felt like I was putting others first, so how can that be wrong? I couldn’t see that my weakness was masquerading as a strength.

I heard a quote on the radio, although I can’t recall who said it:

“Just because you are capable doesn’t mean you’re called.”

It struck a deep chord in my heart and resonated with my weary spirit. I felt like someone had just given me permission to step away from things I might be good at, but wasn’t led by the Lord to do.

I feel capable of so many things, but I am called to just a few. Motherhood. Wifedom. Homeschooling. Disciple of Jesus.

And if I’m so busy serving outside my home in all the areas I’m capable (to the detriment of my family), then who’s fulfilling my call? Who’s nurturing my children? Who’s loving my husband like only I can? Who’s teaching my children the beauty and wonder of God’s creation? Who’s spending time with Jesus for me?

Do I have any energy at all to do anything except the very basic duties of my job? And will I do it with joy or with tired resentment? Will my call to homeschool my children be fulfilled with excitement to see what we’ll learn together today? Or will the slave driver mom just shove them into the next assignment to finish the day’s work so we can be done?

It took a draining school year of my ‘capable’ activities to convince me that I was scattered in the wrong direction. I needed to rein in my efforts and put first things first. The ‘good’ and the ‘better’ needed to be overridden by the ‘best’.

That often means saying “no.” I need to get comfortable with disappointing people who I’d like to please. I need to move out of the way of being all things to all people, so that the right people can step in. Or so that busy, good activities can fade into the background and make way for eternal, best activities.

With my kitchen window shamrock, I made a last ditch attempt to save it. I plucked all of the dead leaves off, leaving only a few tiny green clovers. It really looked like a shadow of the glorious plant it used to be. But guess what happened next? It thrived. It came back in a beautiful show of fresh, green growth. New leaves sprouted through with hopeful flowers springing alongside.

And that’s just what happened in my life.

When I plucked off the dead leaves of busyness and the wilted activities, it gave way to new growth in gifts and talents that lay waiting for energy and opportunity.

I learned that pursuing what the Lord calls me to will leave me more energized and more able to serve those I love, not grumpy and exhausted. Now when I was home, I really was present in the moment with the people I love and available to them–body, mind and spirit.

Ecclesiastes 3:1; 10-11a: “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven…I have seen the God-given task with which the sons of men are to be occupied. He has made everything beautiful in its time.“

It’s OK to say NO.

It’s OK to step down from something good so that the best things can succeed.

It’s OK not to be the one to save the day.

It’s more than OK. It’s best.

Let the Master Gardener tend to your life and show you where some pruning and trimming are needed. Then pluck away! The flowers are waiting to bloom.

Melissa Morgner is a happy wife of 16 years to her college sweetheart and mother to six loud, but lovable children ranging in age from 13 down to two. After eight years of homeschooling and sampling way too much curriculum, she takes an eclectic approach in their little schoolroom, choosing resources that best suit the children and the teacher. Her busy household puts her gifts of juggling and winging it to the test each day. She steals moments here and there to write on her blog, Day In Day Out, about the lessons she’s learning from the Lord in the routine but privileged tasks of mothering and homeschooling.

June 15, 2009 By Cheryl 6 Comments

I have been writing on a continuing theme here the last few months, with the emphasis being on the many perks of homeschooling. But, before I get to the next Perk of the Month, feel free to read through the previous homeschool perks, listed in my top ten format, under related articles at the bottom of this post. And now for this month’s perk:

Homeschool Perk#3: Family Bonding

There’s no doubt about it: when you homeschool you spend a lot of time together. When you spend a lot of time together, you end up getting to know one another really well, warts and all. It isn’t always pleasant, and believe it or not, it’s this occasional unpleasantness that allows for closer connections between family members. Why is that, you may ask? Well, I believe it’s due to a little word with a very big impact: forgiveness.

Forgive

I grew up in a family where feelings often went unacknowledged, and very much unsupported. One’s feelings were taken personally by the other, and so I learned to be very indirect about my feelings, or to express how I felt by means of blaming. God has shown me many things in my Homeschool Journey, and one of them is a God given desire to overcome this. In order to overcome this, I continue to be presented with many an opportunity to appropriately share my feelings with my children – thus setting an example for them to model. If they do not have a model, they will not learn it themselves. What does this have to do with forgiveness you may ask? Well, sharing one’s feelings often makes the other aware of how their behaviour can affect others, this often bares remorse, and consequently allows for ample room for forgiveness.

If I want to demonstrate humility, I must be able to say I’m sorry when I have hurt someone, intentionally or not. When I apologize for hurting one of my little people, I am giving them room to model forgiveness, and believe me – they are very good at it. They do not hesitate to forgive, and I believe this is due to the innocent nature of children. I believe this very nature of children is one of the reasons why God says: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” - Matthew 18:3

I do not model it perfectly. Oh no – far from perfect. But I am usually very aware of my behaviour after the fact. I hear myself saying things like: “Oh, that was a little harsh.” or “Why am I acting this way?” or “Wow, I really blew that one.” I have discovered that forgiveness is the glue that bonds and holds a family together. And when you homeschool, there is ample opportunity to practice it.

reconcile

Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. – Psalm 19:12

Just this morning I found myself looking one of my children in the eye and saying “I’m sorry I spoke harshly, I was being impatient. Could you please forgive me?” The first time you do this, it may seem difficult and awkward, but a sincere gesture goes along way in terms of restoring peace in the hearts of your children.

Forgiveness – one little word with a very big impact. A word that reconciles. A word that builds up. A word that bonds families together. A word that I get to practice daily in my Homeschool Journey.

Cheryl has been married to her ‘do all’ husband for 13 years. They live in British Columbia, Canada on beautiful Vancouver Island. Cheryl has been homeschooling their two daughters ages 8 & 10, for 5 years. Her approach to homeschooling is mostly Classical with a dash of Charlotte Mason. She used to be one of those parents who thought they could never homeschool – boy, was she wrong. She enjoys blogging to encourage others that they too can homeschool if the desire is upon their hearts. She homeschool simply because – her kids are worth it. Please visit Cheryl at HomeSchool Journey.

May 5, 2009 By Renae 9 Comments

Sometimes I get frustrated by the sacrifices required to be a mother, wife, and homeschool teacher. I rarely get time to myself until after sunset, but staying up late to enjoy the quiet makes me tired with a propensity towards grumpiness no amount of coffee can remedy.

My hobbies are stuffed in closets rarely to be seen. Most of my conversations begin with the question, “Why?” or “What?” and do not end until I say, “Let’s have a snack.” I serve apples slices. Then clean up the salt my youngest used to finger paint the table while my son jumps around asking more questions.

Living amid confusion and chaos is common for mothers; however, what we do has a higher purpose.

The most basic place of our sacramental living is in our marriages and homes and families. Here we live together in well-reasoned love for everyone around us. Here we experience the sacrament of the present moment…

C. S. Lewis wisely observed, ‘the great thing, if one can say it, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own’ or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course what one calls interruptions are precisely one’s real life–the life God is sending one day by day: what one calls one’s ‘real life’ is a phantom of one’s own imagination.’ Streams of Living Water by Richard J. Foster

I am living my real life, and it is good. Wiping little noses, answering questions all day every day, reading Winnie the Pooh over and over, and bringing cups of water to my children (after they have been put in bed), are privileges in the eyes of eternity.

Renae teaches her ten-year-old son and two little girls at home. She has prepared lesson plans, enjoyed children’s literature, and delighted in discovery with her children for five years. By studying Principle Approach philosophy, she realized what she always suspected: the Bible lies at the heart of all subjects. Find her reflections at Life Nurturing Education.

January 7, 2009 By Dana 5 Comments

My personal journey toward finding God in my marriage

In November of 1998, I looked into the eyes of my newborn daughter and fell in love. My whole worldview began to change. My whole life I had intended on working, sending my children to daycare, advancing my career, and providing my children a “rich” educational experience through the myriad programs available. I could not picture myself at home, nor could I imagine how children would benefit from a mother who felt jailed in her surroundings. As much as I respected stay-at-home moms, I knew that was not the life for me. But then, I didn’t really know what it was to be a mother, either. I did not know the pulling at the depth of my soul at her cry, the sensation of not knowing quite where I ended and she began as she collapsed into me to nurse, nor the inexplicable joy of watching her respond to my caress.

I sat on my bed pondering these things as I realized how foolish my previous notions of motherhood were. I had no desire other than to be with her, nurture her, and protect her. I no longer viewed hearth and home as a prison cell, but as a calling. And I was ready to answer it.

Just then, my husband stormed into the room, disturbing my peaceful reflections. As he ranted about some fool at work, I slowly realized that he had just walked out on his job. It wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. This time, however, I had no patience, no words of affirmation, no thoughts of consoling him to restore the peace of our home. My dreams had just been shattered, and with them went my temper. All I remember saying was “Who is the bigger fool? The old guy who can’t get the procedures straight? Or the man who walks out on his family’s only source of income while his wife is home on maternity leave?” That and something about not wanting to see him again until he had a job that could support us.

But even as he left, and even as he returned several hours later with the news that he had reconciled with his boss, I knew that I would not be able to depend on him to supply our needs. I looked at my daughter and as much as I longed to be with her, I knew that her physical needs were going to depend on me returning to work. And I was bitter.

I don’t know if it is possible to really explain the depth of the betrayal I felt at that moment. Genesis 2:24 says that a man shall leave his father and mother and “shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” One flesh, but in that moment, a terrible blow had been struck to that bond and I felt as if my very flesh were being torn away.

My husband suffers from depression and I have struggled with exactly how to deal with his mood swings and sometimes unpredictable behavior. I remember the day we told my parents about his diagnosis and gave them a brochure from the hospital. My mom looked at it and said, “I was worried it was cancer. At least this we can deal with.” Now it sounds horrible, but at the time I disagreed. Cancer I understand. Abnormal cells begin to grow exponentially, spread and eventually take over the body, killing it slowly as the disease progresses. Depression is like a cancer. It takes hold of its victims, takes over their lives, and has a profound effect on loved ones who look on helplessly. Except you cannot see it and it cannot be cut out.

When my husband talked, I could hear the depression talking. But it didn’t make a lot of sense to me. Despite all I had read and all I knew about the disease, I still wanted him to just “snap out of it.” To stop feeding the disease with the lies he allowed himself to believe about himself and those around him.

Believe it or not, this article is not about depression. Nor is it about my husband. Our marriage hasn’t survived for thirteen years because my husband was able to conquer this disease. We aren’t still together because I am a fount of forgiveness, grace, and submission. If this story were about me or about him, I would have filed for divorce the day he walked out of that job. As Dave Harvey says in his book, When Sinners Say I Do, marriage does not succeed because of how compatible we are or how much we love each other. It succeeds because of what we believe about God and hence ourselves.

In Ephesians chapter four, Paul is speaking to the church at Ephesus about how we should behave toward fellow believers. But how much more do his words apply to the marriage bond?

“I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Eph 4:1-3, KJV)

At my core, I am a people pleaser. I cannot stand to feel like I am not meeting the expectations of those around me or that someone is in any way unhappy with me. Despite knowing better, I frequently picked up my husband’s depression and made it about me. I wasn’t a good enough wife. I wasn’t patient enough. I wasn’t a good enough house keeper. I wasn’t doing enough to create a peaceful environment for him to let go of his depression and see how much he was loved. It didn’t help that when he was in a depressive state, he frequently lashed out at me about these very things, placing the blame for his discontent on my failings as a wife and mother.

Many tears were shed and many desperate supplications were prayed as I somewhat frenetically attempted to be the perfect wife keeping a perfect house in the hopes of gaining the approval of my husband. In my frustration, I would pull away, seek distractions and found even simple tasks difficult to keep up with. The more pressure I felt to be perfect, the more I ran from it and the more my duties in our home suffered. Over the years, he slowly learned to cope and to manage his depression. He came to Christ and began to recognize both his responsibility for his own behaviors despite the depression as well as the beauty of grace and forgiveness. His depressive episodes became less frequent, less intense, and much shorter. But I still carried many wounds from my side of the battle and was sometimes surprised at just how hard it was to forgive and let those wounds heal.

Until one day I received a phone call while doing dishes. From the tone of his voice, I could tell he was struggling. I returned to the dishes, muttering to myself how tired I was of this cycle and how frustrating it was to continually be thrust back into the same position. I snapped at the children, yelled at the dog, and attempted to bring the house into a state that would somehow head off the criticism that was inevitable. Needless to say, by the time he got home, the house looked worse than it had before, all the children were arguing, and I was on the verge of losing my temper.

In that moment, I realized where I had gone wrong. For our entire marriage, I had made all of his struggles about me. I had invested all of my happiness as well as my sense of purpose and well-being in him. As all things are in this world, it was a shaky foundation, prone to being washed away in the floods of life. As I escaped from the turmoil into my own mind, the Lord gave me a verse.

“Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” 1Corinthians 10:31

And therein lay my struggle. I looked at the dishes in the sink and realized that I needed to do them to His glory rather than for my husband’s praise. My husband walked in, huffed at the state the house was in, and left to put his things away without greeting. But for once, the action did not feel like knives piercing my very soul.

As I shifted my eyes from my husband and on to God, I stood in full recognition of how far I fell short of God’s standard. But alongside that understanding came the knowledge of grace and the sacrifice Christ had made for me. That was something that could not be shaken by any storm, no matter how severe. And slowly, I learned to forgive my husband for present and past hurts. I felt the scars slowly torn away so that I could again cleave unto my husband and become one flesh.

Check out my article on page 6 of the new flipbook edition of Heart of the Matter Magazine.

Dana Hanley is the imperfect wife of her imperfect husband who has been very supportive of her sharing her personal struggles in dealing with his depression. She now stays home and homeschools her (soon to be) five children. You can visit her at www.principleddiscovery.com.

January 7, 2009 By Debra Leave a Comment

My husband and I have been involved in church ministry for the full 14 years of our married life. We have planned and prepared many different kinds of programs, hosted innumerable (and delightful!) dinner guests, taught countless small groups, staffed youth programs, trained leaders, presented workshops, sermons and even dramatic productions. I could go on and on. Thinking about it makes me feel tired but satisfied. However, several years ago, when I was in the thick of it, thinking about it made me feel something altogether different.

After trying daily for years to get the point across, provide growth opportunities, teach with creativity, help handle conflict, expect good behavior, model a Christ-like ethic, pose challenges, and praise, praise, praise, it seemed that we were spinning our wheels. I’m talking about youth ministry, but I could also describe my own homeschooling journey in the same terms; stalled, going nowhere and feeling overworked and under appreciated. Yes, I have been burned out in both areas.

Burn out is different from stress. Stress often makes you work harder in order to reach a goal that you feel is worthy of attaining, even if it’s an unhealthy goal. Burn out is characterized by letting that work slip through your fingers. You are burned out when you feel ineffective, lose interest, and disengage. If you feel like the only reason you’re homeschooling this week is because you’re afraid someone might check up on you, you’re there. And you’re not alone.

I most often want to disengage from homeschooling in the dead of winter. I live in the rainy Northwest and I honestly don’t know anyone who loves homeschooling indoors in February. The books aren’t new anymore, the children aren’t listening anymore, and you can’t just leave the house and blow off steam at the park. It’s prime time for burn out. It’s also the time when we have to shake things up a bit in order get back into drive.

I have made a list of many ideas that I have personally tried (and some I have waiting in my back seat yet) when the winter doldrums hit. I hope that you can find just one idea here that inspires you to get back to a place of delight and productivity in your homeschooling.

Give yourself permission. You’re going to wonder, “Give myself permission to do what?” Well, what do you wish you could do in your homeschooling that you’re holding off on because of some unrealistic expectation, some other voice other than your own, or because of fear that your kids will experience gaps, test badly, or fall behind? What do you need permission to do? Stop early for the day? Try something new? Let go of something burdensome? Experiment? Take a day…a week…every Friday off? Examine your expectations to see if they’re serving your child or family well and give yourself permission to do what you think is best as their mother and mentor.

Shake up your patterns. This is especially necessary in those subjects that seem to make everyone drag their feet the most. Every 4th week leave Latin lessons behind and let your child try some online vocabulary activities. Mix penmanship practice with computer typing lessons. Let a video show you England instead of reading about it from a book. Let your older child read aloud to all of you while you give your voice a rest and snuggle your littlest one in your lap. You can even take a week to only focus on a big project and leave the subject studies behind. There are endless possibilities.

Learn together. Sign up for a family class through the Park and Rec. Put yourself next to your kids in a learning environment and let them help you with Tae Kwon Do, Web Design or Ballroom Dancing. You’ll probably laugh a lot and come away with a greater appreciation for the potential that really lies within your kids.

Establish traditions to anticipate. These may be based on a holiday or a habit. You can have Friday Night dinner and discussion by candlelight, a Valentine making day, Breakfast and Bible, Dad’s the Teacher Day or even create an obscure holiday observation (How about Squirrel Appreciation Day on January 21st or Lame Duck Day on February 6th?).

Encourage another homeschooling mom. Sometimes answering the question (aloud and with a little conviction), “So, why do you homeschool?” is just what you need to get your cylinders pumping again. And if you’ve met together over coffee you’ve taken a little time out for yourself so it’s a doubly good idea.

Let a book tell you what to do. If you’re a mom that is uninspired to continue writing your own unit studies, get a unit study guide and let it tell you what to do for a few weeks. It may not be your style, but sometimes it will excite your kids with new methods of learning that you may not have touched on your own initiative.

Take an in-service day or two. Classroom teachers do this for very good reason. You need to take time to figure out what to do for the next week or month. If it makes you feel better, put on a quality DVD for your kids to watch while you do this. Hitting the ground with a plan on Monday will build your confidence and push you out of your slump.

Tailor the trends that overwhelm you. I think lapbooking is very cool in concept but, to me, that’s a lot of work to do in a few weeks’ time. At the end of our lapbook study I may have a beautiful display to show the inquiring grandparents, but I have no ideas left to try in the next unit. My solution? Choose just one lapbooking fold or booklet, complete it over a week’s time and then glue it to a notebook page. Then, next week if you or your kids don’t feel like continuing in that vein then you don’t have to and it’s not left incomplete.

Reduce the stuff that drains you. Are you involved in an activity that sucks the joy out of your life? Are there people that leave you feeling discouraged whenever you’re around them? Do what you can to reduce exposure to these things. Your energy is precious and everyone notices when mom is trying to pour from an empty vessel.

Reaffirm the truth of your identity in Christ. Sometimes we tell ourselves that being a homeschool mom just isn’t very important in the big scheme of things. Well, we actually tell ourselves this fairly frequently, but we get into trouble when we begin believing it. You are God’s messenger to your children. You are ushering in His kingdom with your good works. You are accepted and free to become that person that He created you to be. You are loved and you are purposeful. If you base your identity in your Creator then it’s quite possible that your homeschooling will not just be a daily task but an act of worship.

Let me close by reminding you that you are a person of passion. If nothing else, maybe you can gain encouragement from the fact that you are only burning out because you were following hard after something you are deeply passionate about. At one time you were in motion and you were awesome! Infuse some new gas in your tank so you feel like you’re getting somewhere. Remember, you don’t have to go at top speed to be effective and engaged, and you don’t have to go the same way you were going before, you just have to go.

Check out my article on page 14 of the new flipbook edition of Heart of the Matter Magazine.

Debra Anderson has been married to her true companion for 14 years and has three sons under age10. Debra’s passions are education, art, her husband, church ministry and missional living — not in that order. She has served as her co-op’s coordinator in Portland, Oregon and loves connecting homeschoolers in relationship to one another. Debra has her seminary Masters degree in Christian Education and has always home educated their boys — even on the hard days. She maintains a blog at Emergent Homeschool.

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