Wishing for Tomorrow
March 16, 2010 by Christine
I admit it. I wish away certain moments and stages in my children’s lives. I guess I don’t know anyone who doesn’t occasionally do this, but I know many older women who tell me not to.
From their perspective, it’s clear that the moments and stages will pass quickly; from mine it often feels like an eternity till bedtime. The future seems bright and full of promise; today often feels like drudgery. I battle this feeling on some days more than others as I change diapers, sit someone in time out again, correct the same spelling word over and over, and say, “No, you can’t watch TV” for the 15th time.
The more I read in search of the perfect formula for saintly motherhood, the more I realize that the books on my nightstand are written to portray an ideal, and not a daily reality.
Failure today is inevitable; thankfully, forgiveness is failure’s close companion.
The future [is] not where real life [begins].
Each day [is] God’s perfect will for me.
In fact, it’s not just because we’ll regret time passing when we’re old and the children are gone. It’s not just that these moments will become sweet memories to savor as we rock on our porch decades from now. It’s instead that each moment, each today, is a block with which God is building us into the mothers, the teachers, the individuals, He plans for us to be. There have been times in the past few months and years when I didn’t, couldn’t, see the plan. I have questioned whether there even was a plan and, if I were to stumble upon it, why I should follow it at all.
Whatever the Lord requires, He also enables.
God’s perfect will for me is today. And isn’t it true that tomorrow never arrives but instead becomes today? I don’t want to pine for the elusive greener grass on the other side of midnight only to find that waking in the morning provides merely another opportunity to pine again.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Matt. 6:34 (MSG)
God is doing a good work in me (and you!) today. He is building, refining, preparing, requiring, enabling. My prayer is that today, we’ll let Him.
Quotes taken from Sally Clarkson’s The Mission of Motherhood.
Christine is a Christian, homeschooling mom to three boys and a girl, ranging in age from 9 to 2 years old. She is a musician by trade, eclectic in homeschool style, and continues to grow and learn along with her children in this journey of life and discipleship at home. Visit her blog at Fruit in Season.
A Simple Walk
March 12, 2010 by Dana
The sky begins to lighten, though the sun has not yet breached the horizon. I look out the window toward the chicken coop, wonder how much they care about having their coop opened up when there’s still snow on the ground, think about sinking back into the comforter and enjoying the warmth.
Mattias is standing in his playpen, watching me. When I look at him, he smiles and begins to bounce. I pick him up and he kicks his legs in excitement.
Of course you can come, Big Guy. You like helping mommy with the chickens, don’t you?
He squeals in delight as I dress him. I could be finished with the chicken chores by the time he is ready to go out.
In comes Elianna, sleep still in her eyes as she inquires,
Mommy? I tum, too?
Of course you can come, sweetheart.
I could be finished with the chicken chores by the time she is ready to go out.
Finally, we are at the door, putting on shoes. The sky is considerably lighter as I hear Nisa shout from her bed.
Wait for me!
She calls, and we wait. She’s ready quick enough, but we can’t find her shoes. I could be finished twice more by the time we find them.
The morning air is chilly, the children silent. We make our way to the coop. Hunter trots in front, sometimes sniffing, sometimes barking. He knows where we are heading and he scouts the path, following scents along either side of the path, circling the coop twice, letting me know all is safe by sitting on the step by the coop door.
I put the baby in a toy car and hesitate for a moment. The great old tree in our field almost looks like it has been set on fire by the sunrise, and the whole property seems to glow in the morning light. The children are standing by the fence, looking at a puddle and waiting for the chickens to come out. Hunter is just waiting to see what we do next.
I go in, greeted by four chickens who think the best way to be fed is to dart under my feet while I walk. I move the concrete block guarding their door to the run. The chickens, realizing I don’t have food, walk down their ramp to enjoy the morning air.
My daughters squeal their good mornings. “Chickalee! Chickalee!” calls the two year old, excitedly. “Good morning, Dora!” shouts Nisa. The chickens run to the fence, peering at the children, wondering if maybe they brought the food. We stand, and we watch. There is a peculiar joy in caring for animals.
I wait until their interest wanes before we make it back to the house to start breakfast. Of course, we could be finished eating, if only the children hadn’t come along.
But this is what education is. A simple walk, an invitation to come along side, to join in my day. Some parts are formal, as I give assignments, correct mistakes and write new concepts on the marker board.
But the real lessons, the ones that mold who my children will one day become, those lessons occur in the simple tasks of the every day. They cannot be written into a lesson plan, nor measured with a quiz.
And ye shall teach them your children, talking of them, when thou sittest in thy house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. –Deuteronomy 11:19
It is an easy enough concept for me to remember in the morning, before we have anywhere to be or anything to do. But as the day progresses and the schedule tightens, my priorities shift. My goal becomes completion rather than education. I want the meal cooked, the lessons finished, the house cleaned. The more stressed I am, the more the children are in the way.
Because I forget that this is exactly where I put them. Not “in the way” exactly. More “along the way,” where they can watch, and learn and grow.
Dana is homeschooling her five children while moving to the country. You can follow her plans and adventures while seeking to live life more abundantly at Roscommon Acres.
Forest Fires
March 5, 2010 by Aubrey Lively
Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to see the big picture when you’re living in the middle of it?
One problem crops up, and it gets your full attention, like a little spark in the forest. Then another and another, and pretty soon, all you see is smoke.
The last month and a half has been like that for me: a fog of sickness and small disasters here in my home. We spent the last half of January with sick kids, but not the gravely ill kind, not even the pathetic-pull-at-your-heartstrings kind. They were just sick enough to be picky, grumpy, and difficult. Then Landon and I got picky, grumpy, and difficult. We could barely drag ourselves out of bed for a week.
I remember measuring time by the smoke detector, which began going off randomly for an entire week. Wearing bathrobes and old pajamas, we hit at it with a broom handle, changed the batteries twice, and yelled at it eloquently. Nothing worked, and along with the sneezing, coughing, and shivering, we soon found ourselves twitching. Did I mention tempers were short?
One morning while we were sick and the smoke alarm was making its unimpressive complaints, two-year-old Abby announced that she had to go potty and without warning, she sat down on a load of clean clothes. It was 6AM, and when our oldest came running to tell us, Landon told him to go ahead and put the clothes in the washer and start it, hoping that I would never find out.
A half hour later when I woke Landon up with, “What’s that noise?” it was too late. There had been a load of laundry in the washing machine already, but John was too short to see it.
I spent the next three days hand-washing and line-drying the two over-full loads of clothes that the machine could have done in a couple of hours. Landon spent his evenings looking at diagrams of washing machines, trying to figure out how to repair ours. We had just replaced it in January, and since Landon had lost his job in December, it was hardly the time to be changing out washing machines faster than we clean out our fridge.
When my in-laws invited the kids to go to Houston with them the following weekend, we had to wash clothes at their house in order for the kids to have, um, clean underwear.
Clean was short-lived, though. With the kids’ return home (and vacation laundry), came news that the Abby had spent the last night of the trip throwing up. By Wednesday, baby was throwing up, too. By Thursday, Abby had learned to fake-throw up—eating a bite of food and then spitting it in the toilet, so she could get some more of that “juice-medicine.”
Friday, Landon’s car broke down. It had recently been in a small accident, so the hood wouldn’t open, and it overheated, so it had to be towed. Saturday, our oldest spent the day in bed, and by Saturday night, Landon and I were both throwing up. Our six-year-old joined our ranks on Sunday.
If I tell you the van broke down, too, you’d just laugh. There comes a point when it’s funny, and all you can do is throw up your hands at this thing that is life, and laugh. I’ve laughed quite a bit myself. And I’ve cried and complained.
To say I’ve felt like a failure lately is an understatement. I’m standing here, surrounded by cranky babies and whining kids and piles of laundry and dishes and germs like I’m living in the middle of an apocalypse. I’m the person standing in the middle of the forest, and who can see nothing but the smoke.
Understandable, perhaps, if there had been an actual forest fire, an actual disaster. Understandable, even to the helicopter in the sky, who could see the potential damage, in whose eyes that fire fighter is a hero.
On the ground, though, you’re left with ashes and stinky clothes and a sore throat. You see the destruction instead of the work of a hero. And all you’ve done is fend off a few pesky sparks.
Without a clear picture of being in the trenches, it’s easy to get a skewed picture of things, and that’s exactly what I did. Sometime last week, Landon came home to a puddle of a wife, who was claiming that it was all impossible. I explained to him how the kids’ attitudes were too bad, the babies too fussy, the house too messy, and I too disorganized to accomplish what was before me. See the smoke? I can’t be the Keeper of the Forest—I nearly let it all burn down!
A simple email from a friend made all the difference, though. “How are you?” she asked, because we haven’t been in church in a month. Taking the time to write out the events of the last six weeks helped me to see the forest.
My normally sweet-natured kids have had bad attitudes? No wonder, they’ve been sick. My high-maintenance toddlers have been fussy? Well, sure. My house is a wreck? Not any more than usual, and that’s a miracle, really. Homeschooling has barely happened? What a victory that it’s happened at all!
Thanks to a friend checking in, I’m motivated to start fresh. As soon as I kick this cold that’s just setting in.
Aubrey Lively is a homeschooling mother of four, ages 8, 6, 2, & 1. She has a BA in Literature and an MEd in Teaching and is currently surviving seminary with her husband of ten years. Visit Aubrey online at http://aubreylively.blogspot.com.
Sad Days, Promise Days and Blessed Days
March 2, 2010 by Lee
Sometimes I have a “sad day.”
Those are days when I am faced with Romans 3:23:
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
It is on those days I recognize the small or large problems with my now-grown children. Did I really forget to teach them that sleep is important? Have I failed them completely because they throw out Tupperware instead of washing it? “Sad days” are a good time to reflect a bit, fast, and pray. “Sad days” are usually followed by a promise from the Lord.
A “promise day” is when I hold to the promise in Proverbs 22:6:
Train up a child in the way he should go, and WHEN HE IS OLD he will not turn from it.
Sadly, there is no mention of regular sleep OR Tupperware in the verse. Perhaps that means it’s optional or even not required at all. Maybe what it means is that our children get to grow up and make their own decisions. They get to choose when to sleep, and what to throw out. In fact, there are a HUGE number of things they will choose to do or not do, regardless of how well we train them in the way we should go. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that their decisions won’t always be my decisions.
My friends with older children tell me there is yet another kind of day I will face, a “blessed day.”
A “blessed day” is mentioned in Proverbs 31:28:
Her children arise and call her blessed.
I confess. There are gaps in my children’s education.
I may have skipped the unit study on sleep. I think I only demonstrated the washing of Tupperware, without actually mentioning circumstances when it is appropriate to throw it away. We have to get used to gaps like that. My husband once had an enthusiastic young engineer who was really trying to do a good job. When Matt asked him one morning how he was doing, he replied. “I’m diligent, sir. Diligent and dedicated!”
I can relate to this. I always wanted to homeschool in a diligent and dedicated way. But the truth is nobody can really be diligent enough because children will grow up to make their own choices. As parents, we can’t possibly think of everything and every situation that our children may get themselves into.
It’s a sad day. Tomorrow will be a promise day. One day I’ll get to that blessed day. That will be fun!
Lee Binz is a veteran homeschooling mom of two and the owner of The HomeScholar, “Helping parents homeschool through high school.” She has a new free minicourse called “The 5 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make When Homeschooling High School”. You can sign up for her free email homeschool newsletter, The HomeScholar Record and get your daily dose of wisdom via e-mail from her homeschool blog, The HomeScholar Helper.
Freedom in Following Rules
Yesterday my husband and I were playing games with my son. He loves games. We played Sequence for Kids, Candyland, and Land Before Time Matching. D has reached the point where cognitively he can follow the simple rules of these classic games, all involving counting, color or shape recognition, and taking turns.
Let me say that D is very creative. He comes up with long, detailed, elaborate stories with his action figured, Legos, and drawings. We encourage this. However, he also brings this creativity with him into the games, which can make for some frustration on everyone’s part while playing.
My husband reported that after I left to go back to church last night, while he and D were going through their last game of Sequence before going upstairs for bath time, that D was getting VERY creative with the game. My husband had a little talk with him about rules. That rules are for everyone’s benefit. That when we paint or play with blocks, using our imagination is great. But when we play with board games and card games, that we have to follow rules so that we’re all playing the same game and that we can all have fun. He also explained that we try to win the game but that even if we don’t win, it’s still fun to play anyway! Rules are important so that we can have fun with one another and that way we all win.
D was very receptive to that. He tested a few times, but quickly got the rules and they had a good time completing the game.
As my husband was telling me this story after I got home, I reflected that there is such an impulse in all of us to flout the rules in life; to in some way alter them, manipulate them to our favor or liking, or in some way be independent of them. We resist them at every turn, in small seemingly insignificant ways or ways that make the evening news. It stems from that impulse. We are all in such a spirit of rebellion. We even resist creating structures for our daily lives or making commitments that we actually want to make because we believe that we will be limiting our so-called freedom.
However, if we follow rules, there is a freedom within the structure they provide. That is where faith, trust, and true development takes place. I’m not talking about arbitrary or punitive rules. I’m talking about the basic rules of engagement of morals and ethics. Just like the Saints didn’t win the Superbowl by playing football by their own rules, we can’t win at life constantly making things up as we go. People who are successful understand the groundrules of human interactions and the universal laws at play (think How to Win Friends and Influence People or The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) and work those rules rather than in spite of them.
Isn’t that one of the best things we can teach our children? That despite what the world may throw our way and despite the fact that many people are playing their own game, that the way to win in life is to play within the boundaries of universal laws set down in our hearts by a higher intelligence? We know if we drop something it falls to the ground. It’s called gravity and there is no use operating as if it doesn’t exist. The laws that govern human relationships and the Spirit are also invisible but should be respected in the same way. What better way to convey this important key to life than by living according to these laws ourselves?
In my life, I found myself trying to make my own rules for many years and couldn’t figure out not only why I wasn’t winning, but why I wasn’t enjoying the game. You simply can’t win at life when your moral and ethical compass is driven by what your friends are doing, mixed signals you get from your family, or what you see on television or popular culture.
In my early 30’s once I accepted His way and began to ground myself in His love and follow His rules something amazing happened. I began to enjoy life and began to experience small yet significant personal victories. I have been diligently studying the Word as well as doing my best to develop practices in my life that bring the power of the Word into my life and the lives of those around me; a living practice to honor a Living God.
But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effective doer, this man will be blessed in what he does. – James 1:25
The Bible talks a lot about accepting the fullness of the Holy Spirit into your life and then you have the freedom to follow His Law and “rejoice and exult in our hope [to cherish a desire with expectation of fulfillment] of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God.“ The freedom. Not following out of obligation or duty or drudgery or fear, which is how we usually following a rule or a law because so many of us have experienced some sort of injustice or tyranny at the hands of authority. God is a loving God. Jesus loved everyone and was here to be a door through which all could choose to enter the glory of God through grace.
My husband set the rules of the game so that he and my son could enjoy one another, enjoy the game; so that they could share their love and joy and both win.
Joonu is a wife and mother to a 3-year old energetic little boy and has one on the way. She is just starting out on her journey in homeschooling and embraces it as a family lifestyle. She is also a successful yoga teacher, the co-founder and President of a charity called Blackstone Valley WomenAid, Inc, coordinator of service activities at her church, and a Chief Dream Officer of an entrepreneurial development community for women called The Dream Factory Community. She enjoys being in nature, spiritual study, reading, golf, chocolate, and spending time with family and friends. She started blogging as a way of recording her observations and got great feedback from family and friends so she kept going. Her intention is that by sharing of her own experience she can offer resources, support, and ultimately enrich someone experience of themselves as whole, perfect, and loved. Please visit her blog at howhomeschoolinghappens.blogspot.com.
Come What May
February 15, 2010 by Tara
Commit your works to the LORD
And your plans will be established.
-Proverbs 16:3 NASB
Being committed as a Christian parent is simply the steadfast determination to raise our children based on Biblical principles for them to come to a knowledge of God and His Son and to live for His glory. Commitment to do this includes doing so in spite of hardship, outside opinion or influence, and resistance. Let’s do another little self-evaluation here. And no, sorry, this one isn’t easy either!
Is it easy for you to go against the grain of popular opinion or the “normal” way of doing things? Do you tend to follow the crowd or are you comfortable swimming upstream? These questions are important to ask yourself because being committed to follow sound Biblical principles in raising our children rather than the popular methods of the world around us takes some guts! Let’s face it! Being a true Christian and choosing to believe and live by the Bible is now viewed as intolerant and narrow-minded in today’s culture and is increasingly being cast aside as irrelevant and antiquated.
For example, today’s parents are told by secular sources to let their children decide what their truth to live by is, but that goes against what the Bible directs us to do in Proverbs 22:6:
“Train up a child in the way he should go,
even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
John MacArthur states in his commentary on this verse: “There is only one right way, God’s way, the way of life. Since…early training secures lifelong habits, parents must insist upon this way, teaching God’s Word and enforcing it with loving discipline consistently throughout the child’s upbringing.”
(Thanks, Mr. MacArthur! I couldn’t have said it better myself!)
To do this – to insist on training our children in God’s way – definitely takes rock-solid commitment. You and I (and our children) will face peer pressure, societal pressure and ridicule. We may even get “pushback” from our own children, but our responsibility as parents is to God alone, not to peers or society. As for ridicule, Jesus warned that if we chose to follow Him, we would suffer ridicule and scorn just as He did. Will it be difficult? Yes. Will the choices be painful? Sometimes. But will it be worth it? I have to say a resounding “YES!” because you and I will be in obedience to God.
I want to clarify who is really responsible for the end result of our children’s spiritual development – GOD! We are to be obedient to train our children and raise them in the knowledge and words of God but it is God ALONE that does the work in the hearts of our children. We do our part and leave the results to God.
He has commanded us to train them; He didn’t command us to convert them. That is His part. Pray and trust Him to do it!
Tara is a devoted mom to a two-year-old “little man” and enjoys discovering how God has “packed his suitcase”. As an associate with iBloom, she has a heart for inspiring, encouraging and equipping moms to become “Proverbs 31 mamas” and raise their children according to Biblical principles and guidelines using the Bible and other tools. Tara adores falling leaves, sweatshirts, Starbucks White Chocolate Mochas and the first curly BBQ chip from the bag! You are personally invited to visit Tara’s website at www.taramcclenahan.com for encouragement and resources to equip you to be a mom after God’s heart!
For more information and resources about other “Habits of Highly Intentional Moms”, please visit my website at http://www.taramcclenahan.com and sign up for your free ebook!
Heigh-HO! Mining Treasures in 2010
January 3, 2010 by LeslieW
The trees and ornaments are all securely packed away. Wrapping paper, ribbons and bows, returned to their bins and closets, are slumbering until next winter when they’ll reemerge for the next all-night wrapping party. The festive china is stacked neatly in the cabinet and will go unused until the weekend after Thanksgiving.
Our Christmas break has come to a glorious close and it’s time again to transition our lives and homes to the familiar every day kind of living.
The table will begin to transform from the dining table/baking surface/holiday treat-making area to the learning area/science lab/arts and crafts center. The Advent calendar is replaced with the daily calendar and weather chart and world map. Christmas cards and family photos are exchanged for artwork and handwriting practice and math drill sheets. Stacks of boxes and bags become piles of books and athletic equipment. Instead of glitter, the floors are littered with eraser remnants and pencil shavings.
We mothers expend so much energy making the Christmas season a magical and memorable time for our children. We carry on our favorite traditions, we visit with our neighbors, we go carolling, we spend extra time with family, we take time to say the things we need to say, we read special stories. And every Christmas the children declare that this Christmas was the best ever. What I need to remind myself is that the routines of daily life need not be less magical, less filled with tradition.
Learning is fun and a wonder-inducing activity for children: there is so much to see ad experience and understand. As Bill Waterson notes in one of my favorite Calvin & Hobbes strips, “There is treasure everywhere!” I don’t want us to miss it. Indeed, each year of learning can be better than the one before it.
One of my favorite quotes comes from Jim Elliot, missionary who died carrying the gospel to the Auca Indians of Ecuador. He said, “Wherever you are — be all there.”
Being present is one of the most difficult things for me to do because my mind tends to move ahead to the next thing and I miss the moments.
I am guilty of rushing the children through Bible so we can do math. Then I rush through math so we can do history. I rush through history so we can go to co-op. I rush from co-op to the grocery store to home so that I can get dinner on the table. We have to rush through dinner so I can get the kids in bed on time so that we can get up early and do it all again.
My regular response to, “How was your day?” tends to be, “I can’t even remember the day.” As I’ve heard southerners often quip, “That ain’t no way to live.” Well, I don’t want to live that way in 2010.
Here are 10 things (in no particular order) that I hope will help me create a few magical moments and find a little more daily treasure.
1. Plan
I’ve heard that failure to plan is planning to fail. I have a simple plan for us to finish our school year. I only need to execute the plan.
2. Practice living in the moment.
The only time I’m guaranteed is happening right now. I need to stop thinking about what I could be doing or what I’m hoping to do next, or what I regret from yesterday.
3. Preserve our days in a journal.
I do enjoy maintaining a personal journal, but this year I’m going to add a line or two that documents something positive from our home school day. I have four children and I want to remember something special about each one of them from each day.
4. Photograph
I want to take my camera with me more this year. I missed so many memorable moments because I didn’t have my camera. I also need to remember to pack extra batteries. A photograph each day will be a great way to document what we did this year. My challenge will be to take pictures of the frustrating moments. By the time 2010 ends, whatever it was that seemed bad one day may be what makes me laugh in 2011.
5. Participate
So many times I just stand back and watch or make an excuse for not getting involved. I’m going to go to the next Mom’s Night Out. I’ll join the next co-op picnic and play date. This is going to require me to step out of my comfort zone — always a challenge — and grow new relationships. The people in my life are a treasure and I’ll be a happier woman for opening my heart up to them. Why continue to sit back and watch everyone else have all the fun?
6. Pray
I need to pray more that God will bless all my planning. For far too many days, I have put my faith in my plan rather than in the Lord. I probably don’t need to explain to you how far my plans carried us last semester — think lead balloon.
7. Pick it up
To help me enjoy the next day, I’m going to have to get in the habit of filing away all of our work from the current day and cleaning up the messes before they turn into mountains. Many a morning last year I walked into our school room only to be overwhelmed with all I needed to put away before we could get started. This teacher needs to take better care of her classroom so that she can enjoy home schooling.
8. Praise
I want to praise my children more this year. I worry that I’m too negative during our school day, and I want that to change in 2010. I want to give them more than, “Good job!” I want to be specific with my praise and tell them what I think is good. Sometimes it’s okay to give praise that isn’t attached to a certain achievement. I want them to know that I think they’re wonderful just because they are who they are.
9. Play
I say, “No,” too much when the kids want me to play with them. I have their attention during school time, and they want my attention during play time. I need to remember that my children need me to be “Mom” after I remove my “Teacher” hat.
10. Pamper myself
I’m not the kind of woman who goes to the salon for a massage and a mani-pedi. I have many friends who do, but that is not my kind of pampering. I like to take a hot bath in my favorite bath salts or bubbles at the end of the day, read a novel, have a cup of coffee or tea, bake and eat my favorite cookies for dessert, or go for a walk with a friend. I also like to read through my encouragement folder. My encouragement folder is for those days when I feel like throwing in the towel. You know, those days when I will have to steal a moment to cry in my bathroom? In my folder I have placed my favorite home schooling magazine articles (to remind me why I’m home schooling), encouraging Bible verses and quotes, and a home school mom devotional. It’s important to take care of my heart and mind when the days are tough.
What would you like to do this year to mine your daily treasures and make 2010 your best year of school yet?
Leslie Wiggins has been home schooling her four children for five years. She is currently teaching fifth, fourth, second and first grades. She enjoys writing and blogs at Alabamenagerie (http://lesliewiggins.com).
Lists, Lists and More Lists!
December 21, 2009 by Melissa
If you’re anything like me, your refrigerator has at least a couple of lists on it at any given moment. Right now, mine has the kids’ Christmas wish lists (which are WAY too long), a grocery list, several other shopping lists and a list of things to make for lunch. The lists don’t stop there either. A glance at my day planner will reveal more lists. There’s the list of items I’ve lent to friends, a list of chores for each child, a travel checklist, a list of dinner menus, a list of curriculum we’re using this year and a list of the many projects I’d like to accomplish over our Christmas break, which could probably even be broken down into sub-lists.
We are women who are busy giving and going and doing. Our waking hours are filled with the work of accomplishing these lists with the hope of putting that ever-satisfying check mark next to it. The lists are long and ongoing.
Recently as I reflected on the myriad of tasks that fill the minutes and hours of my days, I realized that while important, none of these items waiting for a ‘check’ off the list are representative of the top three priorities in my life—-God, my husband and my children. Yes, the meals and the laundry and the gifts will bless them, but these things aren’t the heart-level work of relationship that I want to sow into their lives.
All of these relationships take time and work and planning. Yet I had nothing written down anywhere about what I planned to do to build these relationships! I know of very specific things I can do to bless my husband and my children, but they aren’t on a list anywhere to remind me. And it’s sad to say that often I’m so busy working on the tasks of all the other lists that the needs of my Lord and my husband and my children are forgotten or at the very least given the leftovers after the ‘real work’ of the day is done.
So I’ve started a new list—-My Love List–to list out things I can do to individually show love.
I need the visual reminder to do the things that are meaningful and heartfelt to those closest to me. I also need to be specific. It won’t do me any good to write something broad and vague, like “Love Jon today.” That’s too subjective. I have to be specific and write, “Read Jon’s favorite story before bedtime,” then I know I’ve either done it or not.
At the top of my Love List has to be the Lord, the only true source of love.
“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born is God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” 1 John 4:7-8
He loves me and is jealous for my love and wants a heart fully devoted to him. My list needs to include praying and reading my Bible. I have to be cautious here; this isn’t a list of performance standards or requirements from God. He won’t love me any more or any less because I do these things. Also, I have to be watchful that in my heart I don’t approach these things as tasks to be ‘checked off’ the list. I just need to come to Jesus and spend time with Him. If I start with the Lord, then I’ll be filled up with His love to give out to my family.
In Titus 2:4, the young women are admonished “to love their husbands, to love their children.” Well, of course, we’d say we love our husbands and our children. Isn’t all the busy work on our other lists evidence of all we do for them? Yet, I have to ask myself what I have done to show love to them lately in specific and personal ways. I’ve been convicted of the specific things I do to minister to others outside my family and yet don’t turn around and put that same effort and creativity into blessing my own family.
Ask your husband and your children what really makes them feel loved—-it just might surprise you what they have to say.
Here’s a list of ideas to get your started:
Write a note and leave it in your husband’s car- Play a game with one of your children
- Bring home a little surprise from your shopping trip for everyone (packs of gum are big hits at my house)
- Call your husband and tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works
- Send your teenager an email or text message just to tell him how much he means to you
- Hug and kiss everyone in your house today
- Take time to work a puzzle with your preschooler
- Get on the floor and play with your toddler
- Have a special tea time with your girls and their dolls
- Build with Legos with your little engineer
Once I got going with my Love List, it didn’t take long to think of more ideas. And while my goal is to show specific acts of love to everyone every day, I know it won’t always work that way. I’m not in a rush to get through this list. I want to take my time, be consistent and become intentional about relationship building.
At the end of a day, I often judge my success or failure by how much I’ve gotten done. I’m a project-oriented doer at heart. And while it’s good to work hard, we need to judge ourselves in the same light that the Lord will. We need to have eternal goals mixed into the dailiness of life.
I don’t stick my Love List on the fridge for all to see, but I do keep it where I’ll see it frequently. Since starting this list, I’ve become more intentional about loving my family and the Lord. I think the lofty goals of marriage, parenting and the Christian life feel a little more attainable when put to paper in specific terms. This is one list where those check marks will be eternally satisfying because “love will last forever.” (1 Cor. 13:8)
Melissa Morgner is a happy wife of 16 years to her college sweetheart and mother to six loud, but lovable children ranging in age from twelve to one. After eight years of homeschooling and sampling way too much curriculum, she takes an eclectic approach in their little schoolroom, choosing resources that best suit the children and the teacher. Her busy household puts her gifts of juggling and winging it to the test each day. She steals moments here and there to write on her blog, Day In Day Out, about the lessons she’s learning from the Lord in the routine but privileged tasks of mothering and homeschooling.
Guilt Makes the Woman Go Round
October 20, 2009 by Sheila
They say that love makes the world go round, but I think they’re wrong. I think the majority of the things women do are motivated by guilt.
We women feel guilty about everything. In fact, they say that the most common emotion women feel is guilt, and if you’re a woman, and you’re not feeling particularly guilty right now, just think about it. I’m sure you could talk yourself into plenty of guilt in two minutes flat.
Do you have laundry waiting to be folded? Laundry still in the washing machine, after three days? And don’t even mention the ironing. Then there are those thank you notes that we forgot to send after our wedding sixteen and a half years ago, which guarantee that at every family reunion since we have avoided Aunt Peggy, because we know she remembers our transgression.
And what about parenting? Motherhood, of course, is the guilt that keeps on giving. We feel guilty for locking ourselves in the bathroom, just to get some breathing space. We feel guilty for not serving vegetables for dinner. We feel guilty when we yell at our kids. We feel guilty when we forget to teach math for three days, forget to mark their work for a week, or forget to start homeschooling until 10:30 because we were on the computer.
We feel guilty for relaxing, for reading a novel and leaving the housework behind, for spending money on a manicure instead of on paying down debt, and for feeding everyone cereal for dinner.
Those of us who are older feel guilty for all the missed opportunities we had when we were younger. We feel guilty for not saving more, not loving more, not giving more. We feel guilty for letting our parents down. We feel guilty for letting ourselves down, our kids down, or our friends down. We feel guilty for our health deteriorating, and not being able to do all that we used to.
We feel guilty for folding our towels in half and then half again, instead of in thirds like our mothers taught us. We feel guilty for rolling the fitted sheets up into a ball and then throwing them in the linen closet instead of folding them properly.
And most of all, the number one thing that women feel guilty about is our weight. We feel guilty that we like food, that we eat food, and that we want food.
What does all this guilt do to us? We have three possible responses: the first is that we examine the guilt, talk to God about it, take the legitimate to heart, and then change our lives for the better. That one’s pretty rare.
The second is that we feel so guilty that we deflect that guilt by getting mad at everyone else to ensure that the grumpiness is spread around evenly. That one’s pretty common.
And then there’s the most common of all: we run around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to do the impossible, with the hope that if we just keep it up, the guilt will stop. But it won’t, because what we’re demanding of ourselves is superhuman. And there really isn’t such a thing as SuperWoman. There is only Exhausted Woman, and I don’t particularly like her.
Men find it easier to shrug guilt off, go out on the porch, and relax. They don’t tend to bother themselves with silly things like housework standards, menu standards, or etiquette. And they don’t even have to go through labour! They’ve got it easy. But perhaps they just aren’t as susceptible to this particular foible as women are. Instead of listening to God for what we should do, we tend to let society, the media, and the church culture set our standards. It’s no wonder we feel like we’re always falling short.
Maybe, we should try, just for one day, to be a man and not to feel guilt about stupid things. Let’s stop listening to those voices in our head and just seek out God’s voice. It’s worth the effort. If only someone would fold the laundry for me while I tried.
Sheila blogs daily at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. And you won’t want to miss her podcasts! She homeschools her two daughters, writes, speaks, and knits. Preferably all at the same time.
Homeschool Perk #3: Family Bonding
June 15, 2009 by Cheryl
I have been writing on a continuing theme here the last few months, with the emphasis being on the many perks of homeschooling. But, before I get to the next Perk of the Month, feel free to read through the previous homeschool perks, listed in my top ten format, under related articles at the bottom of this post. And now for this month’s perk:
Homeschool Perk#3: Family Bonding
There’s no doubt about it: when you homeschool you spend a lot of time together. When you spend a lot of time together, you end up getting to know one another really well, warts and all. It isn’t always pleasant, and believe it or not, it’s this occasional unpleasantness that allows for closer connections between family members. Why is that, you may ask? Well, I believe it’s due to a little word with a very big impact: forgiveness.
I grew up in a family where feelings often went unacknowledged, and very much unsupported. One’s feelings were taken personally by the other, and so I learned to be very indirect about my feelings, or to express how I felt by means of blaming. God has shown me many things in my Homeschool Journey, and one of them is a God given desire to overcome this. In order to overcome this, I continue to be presented with many an opportunity to appropriately share my feelings with my children – thus setting an example for them to model. If they do not have a model, they will not learn it themselves. What does this have to do with forgiveness you may ask? Well, sharing one’s feelings often makes the other aware of how their behaviour can affect others, this often bares remorse, and consequently allows for ample room for forgiveness.
If I want to demonstrate humility, I must be able to say I’m sorry when I have hurt someone, intentionally or not. When I apologize for hurting one of my little people, I am giving them room to model forgiveness, and believe me – they are very good at it. They do not hesitate to forgive, and I believe this is due to the innocent nature of children. I believe this very nature of children is one of the reasons why God says: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” - Matthew 18:3
I do not model it perfectly. Oh no – far from perfect. But I am usually very aware of my behaviour after the fact. I hear myself saying things like: “Oh, that was a little harsh.” or “Why am I acting this way?” or “Wow, I really blew that one.” I have discovered that forgiveness is the glue that bonds and holds a family together. And when you homeschool, there is ample opportunity to practice it.
Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. – Psalm 19:12
Just this morning I found myself looking one of my children in the eye and saying “I’m sorry I spoke harshly, I was being impatient. Could you please forgive me?” The first time you do this, it may seem difficult and awkward, but a sincere gesture goes along way in terms of restoring peace in the hearts of your children.
Forgiveness – one little word with a very big impact. A word that reconciles. A word that builds up. A word that bonds families together. A word that I get to practice daily in my Homeschool Journey.
Cheryl has been married to her ‘do all’ husband for 13 years. They live in British Columbia, Canada on beautiful Vancouver Island. Cheryl has been homeschooling their two daughters ages 8 & 10, for 5 years. Her approach to homeschooling is mostly Classical with a dash of Charlotte Mason. She used to be one of those parents who thought they could never homeschool – boy, was she wrong. She enjoys blogging to encourage others that they too can homeschool if the desire is upon their hearts. She homeschool simply because – her kids are worth it. Please visit Cheryl at HomeSchool Journey.
