The Frustrating Part of Homeschooling

“I can’t do it! I told you I can’t!” your son shouts and then throws down his pencil and pushes the book away from him. He jumps up and knocks over his chair, “I hate this!” he yells. He stomps from the room and you hear his door slam once, no twice. As silence descends you wonder where did you go wrong.

If this is a familiar scene in your house take heart, I know what you are experiencing.  My son who is an incredibly loving, wonderful person has a low frustration threshold. He has asperger’s syndrome a form of autism. He also deals with a learning disability. Add those things together and when a new subject or a change of schedule occur his frustration mounts and sometimes boils over into a rage.

Face it an angry home is not a happy home. You are always trying to mend the next outburst. Caught trying to figure out where you have gone wrong in teaching your child. It’s a heartbreaking thing to see your lovely child so upset and out of control. Let us instead of focusing on the anger and rages that occur look to their causes, the triggers.

If we can find out our child’s triggers, what causes their mounting frustrations and eventual outburst. We can help them gain control. The goal is to start out very hands on helping our child control these triggers. Then as our child begins understanding his own emotions better letting more and more control move to your child. Just like any other subject you teach this too needs daily practice and goals.

Let’s look at the outburst at the beginning of the article from your child’s point of view. “I can’t do it! I told you I can’t!” Your child made a self fulfilling prophecy. He looked at the work and decided it was too tough. Then he got more, and more frustrated as he was told to work through the material ending in a meltdown.

Here the trigger is the hard work. The work may have been too hard. Or it may have been the next step up in levels and many learning disabled children will begin thinking they are “dumb” or “slow”. As parent and teacher we must let them know that their learning disability just forces them to think and understand differently not wrongly!

Perhaps the the problem is an inability to understand the sequential order needed to finish the work, this is called executive function. A child with impaired executive function needs a clearly defined path with steps laid out how to get from here to there. If not, their frustration level will skyrocket. It’s like handing a them a tangle of yarn and saying “fix it with one hand tied behind your back.”

Back to our child having an outburst…he throws down his pencil, papers, and jumps up. He knocks over the chair yells and goes to his room. In my experience the chair falling over is unintentional and just another mistake. You can now see the anger eating at him and not just being turned outward. Anger like this can turn into a depression. Depression, while not starting as a trigger for an outburst, will lead to more in the future. A sad, angry child may convince himself that he is a loser, or not as smart as his sister. We as loving parents have to step up and stop that circular, critical thinking.

Another trigger that can cause outbursts is sensory integration disorder. When the senses are not sending the proper information, or they are sending too much information, this can lead  to a frustrated child trying to deal with a world that doesn’t make sense. If you think this may be a problem in your child I highly recommend being evaluated by a Occupational Therapist (OT). They can tell you if there is a problem. If there is a problem they can help you set up a sensory diet that should help resolve much of the frustration associated with sensory integration disorder.

One more trigger that is high on the list for causing outbursts is anxiety. When a child is anxious, they are emotionally being strung tighter and tighter. Eventually they are going to burst out in some direction, be it external anger outward or internal anger. Either way we must step in and help our child with this problem.

These are some of the main triggers, not necessarily your child’s exact problem. It is worth the time and effort to find what causes your child’s frustrations to rise. Pick a time when everyone is calm to lay out what you expect your child’s behavior to be. Here are some that we have come up with.

1. You are responsible for your own actions.

2. There will be no hitting or throwing.

3. If you are so angry you can’t talk, you may go to your room to calm down.

Give your child a place to retreat to when emotions are just too much. By doing this you are beginning to give them control of their behavior. Remember the goal is to have your child handling their own emotions in a mature and healthy manner.

The good news is you can do it! My dear son, while he is still gentle hearted, is prone to emotional outbursts. He is learning to take control of his own actions even when he is in an outburst. Work as a team. The whole family encouraging and loving your child through each problem and cheering on each wise controlled decision. You can pull together and create a happy home that is peaceful once more.

Heather Laurie and her husband, Christopher, have been married for 13 wonderful years, and have been blessed with 7 children, two of whom are awaiting them in Heaven. They began their homeschooling journey eight years ago, amidst trials and unexpected journeys, including genetic disorders, austism, sensory disorders, and lupus. Heather and her husband created the ministry Special Needs Homeschooling as a way to use their trials for the Lord’s glory and to encourage special needs parents and homeschoolers.

Tags: Asperger's Syndrome, autism, Ground Rules, learning disabilities, Occupational Therapy, Special Needs

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