It must be the end of the school year. Homeschool conventions lure. Advertisements for curriculum pile up on my desk. I flip colorful magazine pages reading descriptions. The sentences are full of promise. Amazing results: master difficult subjects easily…learn new languages fluently…teach multiple ages simply. Red pen scrawls circles around temptations and fingers press page corners toward the marks.

Tied to these note-filled pages are questions of fear and insecurity. Will we cover everything my children need to know? Will we finish math and English? What about Bible and science and art and history and penmanship and typing and Spanish and literature?

I gaze at the bookshelves surrounding my desk and see slow starts, abandoned plans, and half-finished textbooks. The little bits we’ve done create spindly knots that reach out to trip me.

Another rope reaches out. I stumble across Sue Patrick’s Workbox System. Plastic boxes in a row pull even more than the curriculum reviews. Organizational bliss! I’ve read the rave reviews. I thought of ways to modify it, and I’m still thinking. Would this really work for us? It’s a good idea, but it’s just one idea. The real test is in continued implementation. It’s easy to start stuff. It takes tenacity to complete it. (That is why my son’s math book still has fifty-four lessons left.)

The entanglements are internal. It comes back to character. Always. And I’m not as persistent or patient as I like to imagine. The newness of homeschooling has worn off. Some of the fear has dissipated, but we must press on. I’m not ready to reject choices I already made because something might be better.

There is no perfect curriculum. There is no perfect implementation. Seeking homeschool utopia ends in defeat. A race run in circles beginning and ending with the heart.

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

Renae teaches her eleven-year-old son and two little girls at home. She has prepared lesson plans, enjoyed children’s literature, and delighted in discovery with her children for five years. By studying Principle Approach philosophy, she realized what she always suspected: the Bible lies at the heart of all subjects. Find her reflections at Life Nurturing Education.