The Sensitive Child

Posted by LauraD | 0 comments

Are you the parent of a very sensitive child? Although I’m not necessarily referring to allergies and that family of sensitivities, those can play a role in the sensitive child.  Rather, when I refer to a sensitive child, I am speaking of the child to whom the smallest disappointment is a tragedy.  The smallest criticism is a devastating blow.  The gentlest teasing is perceived as vicious mocking.  Nothing that ever happens to a highly sensitive child is minor.

Just as with all of God’s children, highly sensitive children have their strengths and their weaknesses.  In terms of their strong points, these children are some of the most empathetic and in-tune kids around.  From a young age, they sense others’ moods and respond to them (for better or worse!).  They also tend to be highly creative children.  Unfortunately, though, highly sensitive children can be demanding, whiny, exhausting, and too dependent.  If you parent one of these children, you walk a tightrope between encouraging your child’s natural empathy and sensitivity and running too much interference in order to protect him from the things in life that might upset or impact him.  I firmly believe that we all want to do what is best for our children.  I also believe, though, that even so, we often end up hurting them in the long run simply because we are not sure how to deal with the particular foibles of the children God gave us.

I am the parent of a very sensitive child.  His sensitivity used to evince itself as crying – almost non-stop crying.  I used to say that my then six year-old cried more than his twin siblings (17 months younger than he) did put together.  When he cried, there was no consoling him.  Often, I didn’t even have any idea why he was crying.  As he has gotten a little older (“N” is seven now), he cries less.  Now, though, his sensitivity often expresses itself as rage or frustration.

Heaven help all of us if we don’t understand what “N” is saying or what his intentions are.

Clearly, we are misunderstanding him on purpose! Likely, the whole family is in a conspiracy against him! It is so easy when faced with the drama produced by such a child to get drawn into the action.  Doing so, however, will only create a spiral from which everyone will emerge exhausted.  In the long run, all your sensitive child will learn is self-reinforcing behavior.

How does one parent a highly sensitive child then? I have one key word: dispassionately.  Have no fear that you will kill your child’s innate sensitive soul.  As long as your child always feels your love and support, there is no risk of this happening.  Instead, by taking the drama, the excitement, and the emotion out of the family dynamic as it relates to Mr./Miss Sensitivity you are teaching your child that not everything is *that* important.  You are teaching perspective by example.

For instance, a scene which could occur daily in my home might go something like this.  The players are “N” who is 7 and his little brother “M” who is 6: “Mommy! I built a lego castle and M knocked it over and it was perfect and I’ll never be able to build another one like it!” This statement will be accompanied by tears, yelling, and, if it is to be a particularly challenging day for me, shrieks of rage.  As a fairly passionate person myself, my first instinct is to yell for M and ask why the heck he would do anything to set off N.  Doesn’t he know that all of our lives are happier when N is happy?? This, of course, would be a very wrong approach! Instead, I have been practicing being dispassionate.  My preferred response: “I’m so sorry, N. I know you were working on that castle for quite awhile.  I know M pretty well, and I bet he didn’t do that on purpose. Let’s find out if he’s willing to apologize and help you build it again.”

Quiet voices are essential in this process.  In order to hear what you are saying, your child has to quiet down.

Additionally, your calm and dispassionate manner is continually signaling to your child that nothing truly bad is happening, and that you have everything under control.  Again, though, you’re walking a tightrope, because you want to make your child feel like *he* has control.  So often, the sensitive child feels like everything is spinning wildly out of control.

Therefore, try to focus your dialogue on what your child can do to bring the situation under control again. In this case, it would be N asking M to help him rebuild his castle.

As I reread this post, I almost feel like a fraud.  I certainly don’t have all the answers.  I do have a very high maintenance, very sensitive son.  I do have every incentive to try to guide him into adolescence and then adulthood in a manner which will serve his personality type in the best possible way.  I often don’t live up to my own expectations. I do try earnestly, however, and I do find that making an honest effort at dispassionate parenting is making a small but discernible difference in my home.  If you are prone to drama (as I am).  If you are prone to raising your voice (guilty here).  If you have highly sensitive children (check!) – give the dispassionate approach a try.  It might improve other aspects of your home life and parenting as well.

“The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:

A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.

To him… a touch is a blow,

a sound is a noise,

a misfortune is a tragedy,

a joy is an ecstasy,

a friend is a lover,

a lover is a god,

and failure is death.”

-Pearl S. Buck

Laura Delgado has been married to her husband, Henry, for 14 years. She gave birth to four children in exactly 40 months, but cheated since the last two were twins. She now happily homeschools her 8,6, and two 4 year-olds. She earned a Ph.D. in Political Science from Rice University, but finds that she uses her undergraduate Great Books education far more in her homeschooling pursuits. In addition to writing for various homeschooling publications, she creates educational materials for edHelper. For homeschooling helps and curriculum reviews, please visit her blogs at Living as Martha and Salve Regina Homeschool.