Turning 40

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Congrats to Karly on winning this hilarious video!

By Tim Hawkins
Comedian and homeschool dad

It came and went. Faster than a speeding bullet. My 40th birthday. And there was nothing I could do about it.

My face is changing. I have eyebrows growing in like fiber optic cable. I’m serious. “Honey, do we have any pruning shears? I’ve gotta trim these babies up.” There’s like leaves and apples growing in my eyebrow foliage. And then my ears. It looks like I have ZZTop living in there. “’Cause every girl’s crazy / ‘Bout Earhair man”. Rock on.

My products are changing. I’ve noticed you can tell you’re getting older by the products you start to use. My wife just bought me some deodorant that’s labeled ‘Clinical Strength’. That’s when you know you have issues: When your armpit funk is a clinical case study.

My body is changing. For Christmas, my wife got me a special bathroom scale. It not only measures body weight. It measures water weight, bone density, and body fat. Great. Now I have not 1 but 4 reasons to feel like a failure. I’m just glad the scale doesn’t talk. “Hey! Mix in a salad, you hairy-eared fat freak! GET OFF ME!!”

My beverages are changing. I can’t drink Coke anymore. No, no, no. My wife has me drinking diet soda. I can’t stand diet soda. Does anyone remember the first diet soda? Tab. That’s right, Tab. It was like carbonated Epicac. Sure, it’s easy to lose weight when you’re dry heaving all the time. The tab ON the can tasted better than the Tab IN the can.

My foods are changing. I can’t eat real eggs anymore. My wife is buying egg substitute. Which freaks me out. Where do those come from? What kind of chickens are shooting those things out?

And no more bacon. I love bacon. I brush my teeth with bacon sometimes. My wife went to the organic store and brought me home ‘turkey bacon’. Turkey… Bacon!? How is that possible? What, are the turkeys and the pigs hooking up now? What’s going on down on the farm these days? Gobble Gobble Oink Oink, I don’t think so. I mean, I’m open minded, but that just doesn’t sound Christian to me. And turkey bacon just doesn’t perform like bacon should. Real bacon crinkles up and sizzles when you cook it. Turkey bacon just lays flat. It’s like eating a meat flavored fruit roll-up.

Still, after I weigh the pros and cons, I’m looking forward to my 40’s. Because I’ve found there’s something great about getting older. I’ve learned to enjoy the little things that make life special. Like learning a new lick on my guitar. Or when I find extra fries at the bottom of my McDonald’s bag. Or a nap. Little things like that.

I’m just trying to keep my eyes open and see the wonder of this life. That is… when my vision isn’t obstructed by eyebrow hair.

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If you have not seen any of Tim’s stand up routines or videos, you are missing out! Here is one of our favorites…Tim’s parody of a “Homeschool Family.”

For more of Tim’s videos, click here.
Would you like the opportunity to win a copy of Tim’s hilarious dvd?

This episode of the smash hit Bananas features comedian and musician Tim Hawkins and is destined to be a favorite for audiences of all ages. This riotous roller coaster performance will take your breath away! Tim’s fast-paced, high-energy routines exceed the LPM (laughs per minute) limits and will keep you in stitches for the whole ride! This “appeeling” comedy show goes beyond the stage with sidesplitting interviews, as well as some hilarious unscripted moments caught on tape. Best of all, it’s good clean fun for the entire family!

Amazon.com reviews:

“Do not even wait to finish this review. Go now and buy it! You will not regret it. Tim is an outstanding and CLEAN comedien. He is hilarious. Great songs and great stories. All ages will enjoy this. The bonus selctions are very good too. Get this and then find when he’ll be in your area.”

“This guy is good. I laughed out loud the whole time, even the second and third time I watched it. This guy’s jokes are anything but corny, he just has a way of making everything funny, the way he uses his own sounds, movements, and just laughing at how crazy we are. I consider most Christian comedy to be better than secular comedy. Secular comedy anymore is just satiated with vulgarity and sex that it’s just gotten old. And just wrong. This guy is good. That’s all I have to say.”

“We loved this Tim Hawkins DVD. Good, clean comedy for the entire family. It was a real treat to watch this DVD with my wife, my boys (ages 6 and 11) and their grandparents. Everyone laughed together, and no one had to be insulted, ashamed or embarrassed by vulgar language.”

To enter this giveaway, leave us a comment about something your husband does that makes you crack up! It could be one of his quirks, an absurd joke he always tells, something down-right silly that he does to make you giggle, or anything at all.